Scottes
25th of December 2004 (Sat), 09:07
When my wife (Dee) woke up this morning she found all her presents "wrapped" in manila envelopes. It was a strange sight.
Luckily Santa left a note to explain the envelopes.
Dear Dee,
I have to apologize for the pathetic wrapping job, but it’s not my fault.
You see, Blitzen got... well... blitzed. That’s why he’s named that, ya know. Blitzen/blitzed. Ya know?
Anyway, the stupid reindeer got blitzed again, took Rudolph’s nose (again) and went flying around the Arctic Circle looking for fun. (He really didn’t have to go too far. Vixen, the little slut, was over at Prancer’s place playing “dress up.”)
Anyway, after a while Blitzen’s alcohol intake was soon halted because his vodka froze. (It’s cold up here, ya know.) He began to sober up as the alcohol wore off, and he started to get cold as the alcohol wore off. He headed for home, but really had no idea were he was or were he was supposed to go. (Of course he was always “sleeping it off” during class, so I’m sure he missed the session on Rudolph’s nose’s Transponder. I know he missed the Auto-Homing class since you just have to hit the “G” button. Moron.)
So poor old sober Blitzen found himself getting cold and flying in a circle. (Since the Arctic Circle is not small it took a while.) Eventually he got lucky (no, not with Vixen) and saw two large buildings in the distance. Luckily he closed one eye, as there was really only one building, but he is quite experienced with being drunk so he has something of a clue. It’s just rare.
Blitzen headed towards the building (the left one) and soon found himself at a very small locked door. Given his experience with the Reindeer Police over the years, he was soon in the building. Well, his head was in the building – it was a very small door. After several minutes he finally decided to back up to free himself of the doorway. He began to panic, and he was already quite cold, so he ran around the building a few times. As he described it, he ran around the building “more than once” so he might have run around it 20 or 30 times. (Blitzen can’t count, which is obvious whenever he says “One more drink.”)
Well after a while he saw a sign which said “Shiping Debt” but he ignored it because he had no idea what a shipe was, and he was already in debt up to his eyeballs. (He’s a moron. I told ya that already though.) However, it did finally dawn on him that the door was bigger than the first one. A couple seconds later and he picked the lock and got into the building and found himself surrounded by large boxes and fork-lifts and cranes. He quickly realized that the sign must have said “Shipping Department” and promptly slapped himself in the forehead.
When he regained consciousness (reindeer hooves are very hard) he was even colder and more desperate. He decided to light a fire to warm himself, and started to gather some kindling materials.
Now, you must be wondering how a relatively stupid reindeer could start a fire, but remember that this is Blitzen we’re talking about.
When the kindling was gathered together he hit his hoof on one of the fork-lift blades and then breathed into the spark. The alcohol on his breath was more than sufficient to turn that spark into a flame, and the flame quickly caught onto the kindling. And that flame caught one of the boxes on fire, which caught another box on fire, which started to melt the tires on the fork-lift, which fell over into the crane. The crane tilted for a moment, and then it also fell over, but not before catching on a pile of boxes and dumping them into the rather large bonfire.
By this time Blitzen realized that the velvet on his antlers was on fire, and he hightailed it and ran out the door.
It was lucky for him, too, since the forklift was very hot at this point, and the engine’s propane tank exploded. This caused the roof to cave in and simply added more fuel to the fire. Which then heated up the crane, and it’s propane tank exploded, and the walls caved in. Which added more fuel to the fire, causing the other fork-lift tanks to explode.
We easily saw the fireball at the North Pole, and I gathered the rest of the reindeer together, except for Prancer who can’t run in high heels. You’d think he’d wear boots like the rest of the reindeer but Prancer was always a bit different. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) We threw some fire extinguishers into the back of the sleigh and headed off.
The wrong way, since Rudolph couldn’t find his nose since Blitzen had it. But Dancer (who always wanted to lead anyway) could see the flames and pulled Rudolph back to the right direction, and we were off. Needless to say we were there instantly, just in time to see Blitzen pull his smoldering antlers out of a snow bank.
The building, though, could not be saved. It was totally devastated. We all watched it burn for a while, none of us speaking until Blitzen burped.
“Blitzen!” yelled Dancer, “How the heck did this happen??”
Blitzen looked down sheepishly, kicked his hoof, and mumbled “I was cold....and, um... well...”
“So you started a fire?” offered Comet.
“Yeah.”
“What the heck did you use?” snapped Donner. “Vodka?”
Well this startled Blitzen. “Heck no!” he said. “I would have drank the vodka!”
We all looked at Blitzen. We were pretty angry.
“Well, Blitzen, honey...” Vixen remarked in a sultry voice, “...what did you use for the fire?”
Well Vixen and that voice could get a confession out of an innocent man, so Blitzen just blurted out his confession.
“Wrapping Paper!” he cried.
So that’s how Blitzen burned down the Elves’ Wrapping Paper factory, and that’s why I had to use manila envelopes.
Sorry.
Love,
Santa
Luckily Santa left a note to explain the envelopes.
Dear Dee,
I have to apologize for the pathetic wrapping job, but it’s not my fault.
You see, Blitzen got... well... blitzed. That’s why he’s named that, ya know. Blitzen/blitzed. Ya know?
Anyway, the stupid reindeer got blitzed again, took Rudolph’s nose (again) and went flying around the Arctic Circle looking for fun. (He really didn’t have to go too far. Vixen, the little slut, was over at Prancer’s place playing “dress up.”)
Anyway, after a while Blitzen’s alcohol intake was soon halted because his vodka froze. (It’s cold up here, ya know.) He began to sober up as the alcohol wore off, and he started to get cold as the alcohol wore off. He headed for home, but really had no idea were he was or were he was supposed to go. (Of course he was always “sleeping it off” during class, so I’m sure he missed the session on Rudolph’s nose’s Transponder. I know he missed the Auto-Homing class since you just have to hit the “G” button. Moron.)
So poor old sober Blitzen found himself getting cold and flying in a circle. (Since the Arctic Circle is not small it took a while.) Eventually he got lucky (no, not with Vixen) and saw two large buildings in the distance. Luckily he closed one eye, as there was really only one building, but he is quite experienced with being drunk so he has something of a clue. It’s just rare.
Blitzen headed towards the building (the left one) and soon found himself at a very small locked door. Given his experience with the Reindeer Police over the years, he was soon in the building. Well, his head was in the building – it was a very small door. After several minutes he finally decided to back up to free himself of the doorway. He began to panic, and he was already quite cold, so he ran around the building a few times. As he described it, he ran around the building “more than once” so he might have run around it 20 or 30 times. (Blitzen can’t count, which is obvious whenever he says “One more drink.”)
Well after a while he saw a sign which said “Shiping Debt” but he ignored it because he had no idea what a shipe was, and he was already in debt up to his eyeballs. (He’s a moron. I told ya that already though.) However, it did finally dawn on him that the door was bigger than the first one. A couple seconds later and he picked the lock and got into the building and found himself surrounded by large boxes and fork-lifts and cranes. He quickly realized that the sign must have said “Shipping Department” and promptly slapped himself in the forehead.
When he regained consciousness (reindeer hooves are very hard) he was even colder and more desperate. He decided to light a fire to warm himself, and started to gather some kindling materials.
Now, you must be wondering how a relatively stupid reindeer could start a fire, but remember that this is Blitzen we’re talking about.
When the kindling was gathered together he hit his hoof on one of the fork-lift blades and then breathed into the spark. The alcohol on his breath was more than sufficient to turn that spark into a flame, and the flame quickly caught onto the kindling. And that flame caught one of the boxes on fire, which caught another box on fire, which started to melt the tires on the fork-lift, which fell over into the crane. The crane tilted for a moment, and then it also fell over, but not before catching on a pile of boxes and dumping them into the rather large bonfire.
By this time Blitzen realized that the velvet on his antlers was on fire, and he hightailed it and ran out the door.
It was lucky for him, too, since the forklift was very hot at this point, and the engine’s propane tank exploded. This caused the roof to cave in and simply added more fuel to the fire. Which then heated up the crane, and it’s propane tank exploded, and the walls caved in. Which added more fuel to the fire, causing the other fork-lift tanks to explode.
We easily saw the fireball at the North Pole, and I gathered the rest of the reindeer together, except for Prancer who can’t run in high heels. You’d think he’d wear boots like the rest of the reindeer but Prancer was always a bit different. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) We threw some fire extinguishers into the back of the sleigh and headed off.
The wrong way, since Rudolph couldn’t find his nose since Blitzen had it. But Dancer (who always wanted to lead anyway) could see the flames and pulled Rudolph back to the right direction, and we were off. Needless to say we were there instantly, just in time to see Blitzen pull his smoldering antlers out of a snow bank.
The building, though, could not be saved. It was totally devastated. We all watched it burn for a while, none of us speaking until Blitzen burped.
“Blitzen!” yelled Dancer, “How the heck did this happen??”
Blitzen looked down sheepishly, kicked his hoof, and mumbled “I was cold....and, um... well...”
“So you started a fire?” offered Comet.
“Yeah.”
“What the heck did you use?” snapped Donner. “Vodka?”
Well this startled Blitzen. “Heck no!” he said. “I would have drank the vodka!”
We all looked at Blitzen. We were pretty angry.
“Well, Blitzen, honey...” Vixen remarked in a sultry voice, “...what did you use for the fire?”
Well Vixen and that voice could get a confession out of an innocent man, so Blitzen just blurted out his confession.
“Wrapping Paper!” he cried.
So that’s how Blitzen burned down the Elves’ Wrapping Paper factory, and that’s why I had to use manila envelopes.
Sorry.
Love,
Santa