Tell the wife about your purchases?

[Jonny]

I am just wonderin' if everyone else keeps the photog purchases secret from the wife/husband?
I have spent nearly 4 grand in the last year and my Mrs would go mental if she knew. I am lucky that we both look after our own money so she need not notice what i spend.

Everytime she asks 'Is that a new camera" or "is that a new lens"? i say 'Nah, had it ages"

Should i feel guitly at all??

[dewmuw]

Of course you should feel guilty, honesty is the foundation of any relationship. ;)

And I keep reminding myself of that fact every time I say "Nah had it ages" or "I've borrowed it" :D

I'm a sinner, I admit it. And I've got to explain a new external hard drive when I get home tonight. It's sitting on my desk looking at me making me feel guilty.

[Belmondo]

I'm not really sure I can relate to a situation where you keep $4,000 secrets from your wife. Regardless of the right or wrong of such things, I believe it would be very difficult to do.

In our house, my wife and I do all the bill-paying together. It used to be her job alone, but eyesight problems make it necessary for me to be involved. I do a little wheeling and dealing on used items, and suppose there are things that I've acquired that she doesn't really know about, but those are usually cash deals, and the money doesn't come out of the bank account.

The truth is, she really doesn't care what I do. 43 years of marriage should be good for some level of trust, shouldn't it? Nonetheless, I still feel obliged to tell her about the big stuff.

[Jonny]

I'm not really sure I can relate to a situation where you keep $4,000 secrets from your wife. Regardless of the right or wrong of such things, I believe it would be very difficult to do.


I don't really consider it a "secret", Its just that she has never asked how much things were and i have never gone out of my way to tell her. We both have full time jobs from which we both contribute set amounts each month the the running of our family lives. Whats left over i guess is our own.
I don't use family funds for my personal use and we never go without because i am spending all my cash on Photog stuff. And i am sure when she tells me those new shoes were only £10 in the sale there might be a little deviation from the truth there too!

[johnleveritt]

I am just wonderin' if everyone else keeps the photog purchases secret from the wife/husband?
I have spent nearly 4 grand in the last year and my Mrs would go mental if she knew. I am lucky that we both look after our own money so she need not notice what i spend.

Everytime she asks 'Is that a new camera" or "is that a new lens"? i say 'Nah, had it ages"

Should i feel guitly at all??

My .02 cents worth.

Yes, you should feel guilty.

My wife and I have been married going on 20 years now, and we treat our marriage as partnership. We tell each other everything. We pool our money, such as it is now (both retired), and our trust in each other.

You talk about your wife going mental if she knew about your expenditures on camera equipment. Well, how would you feel if she spent $4,000.00 on something she liked, AND DIDN'T TELL YOU. Maybe her hobby would be bars, nightclubs, or other men...Well, how would you feel.

Trust is very important in any relationship, once it's lost the relationship is lost, no matter how long you stay together.

[Jonny]

My .02 cents worth.
You talk about your wife going mental if she knew about your expenditures on camera equipment. Well, how would you feel if she spent $4,000.00 on something she liked, AND DIDN'T TELL YOU. Maybe her hobby would be bars, nightclubs, or other men...Well, how would you feel.


Ok, Let me clarify.

She would go mental because she would think i was stupid as she doesn't apprieciate the cost of decent kit. She believes a simple single use compact to be sufficient for anyones photographic needs. She would think i was wasting my own money.
She wouldn't be upset because she would have liked me to spend the money on something different or because i should have shared it with her. Like i said, we both have our own money to do with as we wish.

As for her, if she wanted to spend tons of money on her own hobbies then i would be cool with that and she would know it......THATS OUR TRUST GOING ON RIGHT THERE. I think to use the clubs,pubs and other men is a little extreme don't you? It really isn't the same situation is it?

She works hard for her money as do i and we both enjoy it as we wish. But sometimes i still feel guilty.

[johnleveritt]

Ok, Let me clarify.

She would go mental because she would think i was stupid as she doesn't apprieciate the cost of decent kit. She believes a simple single use compact to be sufficient for anyones photographic needs. She would think i was wasting my own money.
She wouldn't be upset because she would have liked me to spend the money on something different or because i should have shared it with her. Like i said, we both have our own money to do with as we wish.

As for her, if she wanted to spend tons of money on her own hobbies then i would be cool with that and she would know it......THATS OUR TRUST GOING ON RIGHT THERE. I think to use the clubs,pubs and other men is a little extreme don't you? It really isn't the same situation is it?

She works hard for her money as do i and we both enjoy it as we wish. But sometimes i still feel guilty.

Extreme is in the eye of the beholder. To me, extreme would be spending 4 grand, and not telling my wife.

B-T-W, my wife just interjected something, most woman would be more upset about the deceit, than the money spent.

[dewmuw]

Let's go easy on the guy. I'm sure Jon was being a bit tongue in cheek when he posted this and I have no reason to believe that he and his wife don't get on fine.

We all keep things secret from our partners, whether it's £4k on gear, having an extra pint or two or whatever.

Maybe the Brit sense of humour doesn't translate very well. Correct me if I'm wrong Jon, but I assumed you were being tongue in cheek.

[Jesper]

You talk about your wife going mental if she knew about your expenditures on camera equipment. Well, how would you feel if she spent $4,000.00 on something she liked, AND DIDN'T TELL YOU. Maybe her hobby would be bars, nightclubs, or other men...Well, how would you feel.If it were me, and if it would be her own money and not the family money (as Johnny says it's his own money), I wouldn't care at all!

And the comparison "bars, nightclubs, other men" isn't fair - it's not like Johnny is having an affair with his photo gear.... (I hope....) :lol: :rolleyes: ;)

[cmM]

no I don't tell my wife about my photo gear

...but wait; I don't have a wife! buahahahahahahahahahaha :D

[johnleveritt]

If it were me, and if it would be her own money and not the family money (as Johnny says it's his own money), I wouldn't care at all!

And the comparison "bars, nightclubs, other men" isn't fair - it's not like Johnny is having an affair with his photo gear.... (I hope....) :lol: :rolleyes: ;)

Apparently I have a warped sense here. To my family, there is no his, or her money. To us, we are married, and it is our money.

""And the comparison "bars, nightclubs, other men" isn't fair - it's not like Johnny is having an affair with his photo gear.... (I hope....) :lol: :rolleyes: ;)""

Oh really, you don't covet, and love your equipment?, besides you don't keep it from your wife I hope. :D

[Brands]

As I'm currently typing this from the doghouse, then the answer is yes:o;):cool:

[hickory]

I tend to agree I think he was a bit tongue in cheek myself but only he knows for certain. Personally I have bought gear with money that I make from my 2nd job and have not had any discussions about it with my wife. If she asked I would tell her what I spent but I'm not going to her for permission. On the other hand I wouldn't spend money out of our joint accounts without her knowing and agreeing.

She likes my photographs and is impressed by the quality since I've gone all digital and print my own. so that helps.

tom

[ilya]

Spiritual relationship arguments aside, my wife would absolutely recognize any new bit of camera gear that shows up at the house, whether lens or memory chip. She also knows the value of white or red ringed things. No way no how to avoid disclosure, even if I wanted to which I don't.

[billsh]

As someone has already stated, the more important issue to your wife will be were your intentions to decieve her. I don't tell my wife every time I buy a $15 filter, but since we don't have separate funds, we discuss how we spend our money and purchases I make. To her credit, as I have involved her more in the process, she's taken a greater interest in my purchases and encouraged some of them. (ie a 20D for my 50th birthday and a new lowepro backpack for christmas)

In the long run, honesty is the best policy for me. It keeps our relationship fresh and fun. ( Sorry, I was having a Dr. Phil moment)

Bill

[Steven M. Anthony]

The relationships we form with our significant others are all different. My wife and I pool money. Not every couple does (as evidenced above). Neither way is, in absolute terms, better than the other--because what ever works best for those involved IS the best way for them to go.

Disclosing purchases to a spouse/partner is the same way. There is no absolute right way or wrong way. My wife doesn't tell me every time she buys a new pair of shoes. I don't tell my wife every time I buy a piece of camera gear. We both know where we stand financially. We trust each other not to break the bank. We talk about the expensive stuff--like my 10D and PS CS--but not a 50mm/1.8. That's what works for us.

But Jonny, with the above said, and not knowing what sort of agreements (spoken or otherwise) you have with your wife, you should consider your feelings of guilt as an imortant message you are trying to tell yourself.

Whether anyone here believes you should or should not be feeling guilty, the fact of the matter is that you ARE feeling guilty about it. The real question isn't whether you should or shouldn't be feeling it--because you already are! The real question is what do you do about it now and in the future. And I think you have to figure out that one on your own...

[CyberDyneSystems]

Personally,. I do my best to hide these purchase from MYSELF...

I find I am the most likely to throw a fit over a multi-thousand dollar purchase.. so I tend to make such purchases when stone faced, snot flying, knee walking drunk!

I then gently slip into an alchohol induced Coma and have no Idea at all of the damage I have done to my bank account when I finally awake to the sound of the Doctor calling out "CLEAR"

Yep.. usually the first I know of these purchases is when I have to sign for the package at the door.

At which point if it is a lens I covet.. I tend to be relieved that it is not another Ronco "Get rich quick scheme" or another "Craftmatic Adjustable bed" with free kitchen Aid that slices and dices .....

[RichardtheSane]

I have thought about this.

I say you don't say a peep about the amount you have spent so far, she simply doesn't need to know. But do tell here more in the future.

If I am going to buy something that will impact the amount of spare cash I have I usually mention it. If however I buy something that I can pay for by selling stuff then I usually don't go into too much detail about cost.

And yes, usually the deciet hurts more than the money.

[Jonny]

Apparently I have a warped sense here. To my family, there is no his, or her money. To us, we are married, and it is our money.

""And the comparison "bars, nightclubs, other men" isn't fair - it's not like Johnny is having an affair with his photo gear.... (I hope....) :lol: :rolleyes: ;)""

Oh really, you don't covet, and love your equipment?, besides you don't keep it from your wife I hope. :D

John,

I don't think anyone here apart from yourself can really compare an affair to the purchase of a camera.....my wife would certainly be able to distinguish between the two.

We are all different and have different relationships. I am comfortable with spending lots without mentioning it to her indoors because i know that it is not going have any impact on her life or our finacial standing. To be honest, although i said she would go mental, i don't really think she would. She would be more likely to laugh at me or pity me for being a Canon slave.

Yes the post was intended to be slightly tongue in cheek and i would never deliberately set out to deceive or lie to my wife but hey, what she doesn't know won't hurt her............Or me!

[Jonny]

If however I buy something that I can pay for by selling stuff then I usually don't go into too much detail about cost.


Now i feel better seeing as i just sold my iPod to fund a 17-40L

[Steven M. Anthony]

Personally,. I do my best to hide these purchase from MYSELF...

I find I am the most likely to throw a fit over a multi-thousand dollar purchase.. so I tend to make such purchases when stone faced, snot flying, knee walking drunk!

I then gently slip into an alchohol induced Coma and have no Idea at all of the damage I have done to my bank account when I finally awake to the sound of the Doctor calling out "CLEAR"

Yep.. usually the first I know of these purchases is when I have to sign for the package at the door.

At which point if it is a lens I covet.. I tend to be relieved that it is not another Ronco "Get rich quick scheme" or another "Craftmatic Adjustable bed" with free kitchen Aid that slices and dices .....

Sounds like fun--the getting drunk part AND the surprises at the door! :)

[hickory]

jonny, sounds like you have adopted my motto:

Its easier to get forgiveness than it is approval

This applies to work, marriage and camera purchases ;-)

TIC of course.

tom

[mikesd]

I'm on the same page as Hickory, if its money I have made from photography I have a green light, but out of our account I do what every red blooded man does; BEG!

[OviV]

My wife shoots with me. We feel photography is one of the things that brings us closer. We spend alot of time wondering through the Everglades together with cameras in hand. She knows what everything costs and she is more fiscally conservative than me. She comes from a family where they make do with what they have. All that being said, I have to sell her to upgrade our equipment but I usually can sell her. It took me 30 minutes to convince her to buy our new L lenses. Funny thing is when we were shooting with them this weekend she looked at me and said, "I was really apprehensive about spending all this money on lenses but man do I love this white lens". Put a smile on my face.

Ovi

[johnleveritt]

John,

I don't think anyone here apart from yourself can really compare an affair to the purchase of a camera.....my wife would certainly be able to distinguish between the two.

We are all different and have different relationships. I am comfortable with spending lots without mentioning it to her indoors because i know that it is not going have any impact on her life or our finacial standing. To be honest, although i said she would go mental, i don't really think she would. She would be more likely to laugh at me or pity me for being a Canon slave.

Yes the post was intended to be slightly tongue in cheek and i would never deliberately set out to deceive or lie to my wife but hey, what she doesn't know won't hurt her............Or me!

I wasn't comparing an affair to the purchase of a camera, I was saying "what if".

If your wife is happy with your situation, then I'm happy for you both. You asked the original question, I just answered the post with "my .02 cents worth", you did ask, didn't you ("I am just wonderin' if everyone else keeps the photog purchases secret from the wife/husband?")? I mean, what our opinion was of your practice was the question, wasn't it?

[JAZZ D.P.G.]

While I don't go into detail about equipment spending, my wife is well aware of new equipment showing up. Actually, she is more impressed with efforts to save money while getting what I want!

28 yrs married, both with good employment, grown children, future financing in order and both getting into hobbies after the kids. Makes for a more relaxed situation.

I try to include my wife in my adventures, while respecting her more conservative and cautious nature. Buying into her hobby helps, too. Who knew quilting could be so consuming!

Mentioned I wanted to improve my lighting for portrait and sport team shooting, and very quickly got C$200 towards a new lighting kit. Sometimes open conversation works!

Hide it, no. Flaunt it, no. Explain it, only the function.

Besides, I'm tougher on myself for spending. I dithered on the D30 so long, I got a D60.

[dark cobalt]

Depends upon the ground rules that were set up and agreed upon as far as how money is spent.
If it's yours-mine-ours- then if you spend "mine" you should be able to spend it as you wish. Just as "yours" can be soent any way she wishes. No explanations, rationalizations or justifications are necessary.
Now when it comes to "ours" then its mutual decision time.
BTW I really appreciate those that have been married for many many years. Trust & truth are obviously corner stones in your relationships. Congratulations!!

[eosster]

Eventually wife will know...when it comes to my purchases, lol.

[KevC]

I'm not married, only 19.. lol. But I dare not tell my mom that I'm thinking of dropping $2000 on a Drebel (and cf card, and bag, and etc... ). Computers is another hobby, and she gets really mad when I build another box. (like my lil MediaPC) Waste of money! Rofl..

[Persian-Rice]

Thank god I'm not married, mind you I have to hide stuff from my mom, aunts, and girlfriend.
Spent $400 on jeans as I usually do, but this time I got caught..... I still havent heard the end of it.

He is so irresposible with his money, hese this, hese that. Oh shutup already.

Ah, that feels better.

[Jesper]

Apparently I have a warped sense here. To my family, there is no his, or her money. To us, we are married, and it is our money.

""And the comparison "bars, nightclubs, other men" isn't fair - it's not like Johnny is having an affair with his photo gear.... (I hope....) :lol: :rolleyes: ;)""

Oh really, you don't covet, and love your equipment?, besides you don't keep it from your wife I hope. :DI don't need to, I'm single! :p :? 8)

[eosster]

Yep, wife can be scary...it's same here with me, there is no his or her money. We're married, so it's ours.

[Danny Boy]

Persian-Rice,

You spent $400 on jeans ??? My God man, how many pair did you buy? :D

Dan

[Jon]

I don't tell her what I bought. We also maintain separate finances. She sees the boxes come in, but doesn't ask. The only thing she violently objected to was a color printer because she didn't want photos around adding "clutter" (like I'd be able to afford to print everything I shoot!). She didn't think the 20D was worthwhile, but then if she needs a camera, she'll pick up a disposable at CVS, but didn't fuss. Lenses and other stuff? No problem so far (the non-photographer mentality helps - she has no idea what L costs!) on that. Besides, I don't ask what her horse costs (purchase price, board, vet, farrier, equipment, . . . ).

[cmM]

Jon, take some nice shots of the horse and everyone will be happy :-P

[eosster]

I don't tell her what I bought. We also maintain separate finances. She sees the boxes come in, but doesn't ask. The only thing she violently objected to was a color printer because she didn't want photos around adding "clutter" (like I'd be able to afford to print everything I shoot!). She didn't think the 20D was worthwhile, but then if she needs a camera, she'll pick up a disposable at CVS, but didn't fuss. Lenses and other stuff? No problem so far (the non-photographer mentality helps - she has no idea what L costs!) on that. Besides, I don't ask what her horse costs (purchase price, board, vet, farrier, equipment, . . . ).
You're married....wow, it's like a having a roomate that you sleep on a same bed. Maybe, this is good.....oh well, not in my household. When your married, everything is hers, except my computer and camera gear at least I think, lol.

[Jon]

Oh, she used to grouse about how many computers I had, but the last time I upgraded my laptop she got the castoff (XP Pro, 1.8 GHz Celeron, 60 GB HDD, and 512 MB RAM with DVD/CD-RW and 15" display, so it wasn't exactly junk, either). And she has no qualms about complaining about my books or magazines. Fortunately, photo gear's pretty high density. A couple of Domke bags and some tripods don't take up much space. The tens of thousands of slides and negatives, now . . .

[Persian-Rice]

Echo, if she wants it, she is gonna manage to take ownership.

Danny boy, I have 5-6 pairs of jeans, I'm guilty of being a fashion junky. When I went to Detroit to pickup my old 10D, I made the mistake of going to summerset collection mall, which to my pocket's demise has 15-20 very high-end designer stores. I spent more then double on clothes then I did on a dSLR on that day..........That is what happens when you are raised by women, you get some of their bad habits.

[eosster]

Echo, if she wants it, she is gonna manage to take ownership.

Danny boy, I have 5-6 pairs of jeans, I'm guilty of being a fashion junky. When I went to Detroit to pickup my old 10D, I made the mistake of going to summerset collection mall, which to my pocket's demise has 15-20 very high-end designer stores. I spent more then double on clothes then I did on a dSLR on that day..........That is what happens when you are raised by women, you get some of their bad habits.
LOL, understandable even though I wasn't raised like that, hehe. Oh, I agree on your remark especially in Washington state, as we call it woman state, lmao.

[Persian-Rice]

LOL, my mom, 9 aunts, 14 female cousins all older then I am. Haven't seen my dad in 8 years, I have 1 uncle and 3 male cousins, which I am the oldest of. It's a wonder how I am still straight lol.

It's odd though, they havent really complained about my cameras.

[eosster]

LOLOLOL, Persian, stop man, you're killing me here.....

[Danny Boy]

P-R,

From your response, you are Stylin'! That's funny. You can do this and be in college? You are making it work.

Dan

[charlesu]

Ouch! No, I usually tell my wife what is up with the photo gear. She would find out anyway at tax time as all the stuff is tracked and depreciated by our accountants.

[BearSummer]

It's all her fault anyway....

some years ago (about 8 ) my wife was having a hard time with her p&s trying to take pictures of raindrops on roses. I'm sat there trying to explain why its not going to work and eventually suggest that she uses my old camera gear thats been sat in the cupboard for a while. Its an old zenith and about 5 lenses, some bought some given. Well she gets the bug real bad and after about 18 months the camera finally gives up the ghost, not a problem it was old when she got it and she was having loads of fun. So we decide to get her a new camera, we end up with a canon 500n and I sell my gear so that she can get an extra lens. Well the next few weekends she is dragging me out from dawn to dusk and having a great time. I'm just following on feeling a bit left out as shes the one with the camera and I'm looking at all the wonderful pictures I could take. After about three weekends of this she suggests that we should get me a camera too as I would be able to join in then. I said "Keep me out of camera shops, if I get back into photography it's going to be expensive" and she said "Dont worry you'll be fine". I feel that that was fair warning, she then dragged me into the nearest camera shop and my bank account has been in free fall ever since.

The good news is that we each have "our own money" from which we are expected to pay for the bills, whatever is left is up to us to spend (works out nicely as we are on roughly the same salary). I spend mine on cameara gear, she spends hers on italian leather handbags. If I dont have space in my bag any more then whatever is getting removed gets added to her bag or sold/part ex'd. She gets first refusal, and if she wants it then its free. Which means that I dont get a lot of complaints when I'm buying new kit.

Recently she asked "Do you want to go to Park Cameras and see if they have that 1Ds mk2 in yet?" got to love her, what else can you do...

Best Regards

BearSummer

[Persian-Rice]

It's all her fault anyway....

some years ago (about 8 ) my wife was having a hard time with her p&s trying to take pictures of raindrops on roses. I'm sat there trying to explain why its not going to work and eventually suggest that she uses my old camera gear thats been sat in the cupboard for a while. Its an old zenith and about 5 lenses, some bought some given. Well she gets the bug real bad and after about 18 months the camera finally gives up the ghost, not a problem it was old when she got it and she was having loads of fun. So we decide to get her a new camera, we end up with a canon 500n and I sell my gear so that she can get an extra lens. Well the next few weekends she is dragging me out from dawn to dusk and having a great time. I'm just following on feeling a bit left out as shes the one with the camera and I'm looking at all the wonderful pictures I could take. After about three weekends of this she suggests that we should get me a camera too as I would be able to join in then. I said "Keep me out of camera shops, if I get back into photography it's going to be expensive" and she said "Dont worry you'll be fine". I feel that that was fair warning, she then dragged me into the nearest camera shop and my bank account has been in free fall ever since.

The good news is that we each have "our own money" from which we are expected to pay for the bills, whatever is left is up to us to spend (works out nicely as we are on roughly the same salary). I spend mine on cameara gear, she spends hers on italian leather handbags. If I dont have space in my bag any more then whatever is getting removed gets added to her bag or sold/part ex'd. She gets first refusal, and if she wants it then its free. Which means that I dont get a lot of complaints when I'm buying new kit.

Recently she asked "Do you want to go to Park Cameras and see if they have that 1Ds mk2 in yet?" got to love her, what else can you do...

Best Regards

BearSummer
:-o does she have a sister? :lol:

[BearSummer]

:-o does she have a sister? :lol:

Yeah two, aged 21 and 23, I'm selling tickets that allow you to get in the queue, should i put you down for one or two tickets?

BearSummer

[KevC]

If P-R has one, can I have the other? ;)

Lol. If you take a look at my Sig or my thread just started in the SLR forum, you'd realise I just dumped my money (that I don't have) on a Drebel kit. I know it's not anything near high end, but that kinda money doesn't come easily to a college student. Anyway, I walked into the door and my mom caught me. "What's that.." "Camera.." "Don't you already have one..?" LOL! Yeah, it turned out better than I had expected... can't wait to start shooting!

[BearSummer]

Hi KevC,

For what its worth I started out about six and a half years ago with a EOS5 and a 28-105 lens. I did have a full time job which helped towards the next item on the wishlist, and trust me there is always one more item you will want.

welcome to the hobby (thats the hobby of spending money you dont have on camera equipment not photography)

Al the best

BearSummer

[skhaas]

I can certainly relate to the original dilemma Jonny Skyman referred to at the beginning of this thread. Much of what he mentioned seems to be my sentiments exactly. I have become quite addicted to this photographic hobby of my, with the hopes of someday turning it into a profitable venture. I look at my purchases as "investments"...yeah, that's the ticket! However, to a non-photographer, the cost of some of this equipment can be quite shocking. I am the wife of a husband who is not sure how much that Canon 85mm f/1.2 lens cost! It's not necessarily that I am hiding anything...it's just that some things are better left unsaid unless questioned.