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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favourite Joke? (TOTALLY unrelated to photography)

 
Inse
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Joined Dec 2007
Southeast BC
Jul 31, 2013 15:39 as a reply to post 16170475 |  #6106

UK Cop Humour.

Earlier this year, a group of off-duty coppers were riding out when they saw a girl about to jump off the Humber Bridge.

Naturally, they all stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly DCI aged 53, gets off his bike, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Policeman who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby... Whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

Whilst he didn't wish to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either - so he asked;

"...Well, before you jump, why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his copper-buddies, the onlookers, and even the Policeman, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.


RAY
So far, this is the oldest I've ever been :cool:
http://inse-photography.smugmug.co​m/external link

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x_tan
Cream of the Crop
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Joined Sep 2010
ɐılɐɹʇsnɐ 'ǝuɹnoqlǝɯ
Jul 31, 2013 18:46 as a reply to Inse's post |  #6107

http://www.freerepubli​c.com .../3041469/posts?page​=35#35external link

I am a retired U.S. Army pilot. Both rotary and fixed wing. If I can relate my experience on a Japan Airlines flight, here it goes.

There we were, 11 hours into a SFO-HND flight. Just approaching the Japanese home islands. Suddenly, all the entertainment screens go blank. The very nice flight attendants grow alarmed. They are all talking to each other mutedly in Japanese. We, of course, have no idea what they’re saying. We seem to be the only non-Japanese on board. The other passengers start to get worried. They are all, of course, Japanese. The Flight attendants try to reassure them, in their language. The Mrs. and I, decidely Gaijin, are not informed nor reassured by the crew.

Then, a Flight Officer emrges from the cockpit despondent and confers with the Flight Attendants, in Japanese, obvioulsy. This is right next to our seats. The Flight Officer seems to be troubleshooting something in the mid-aricraft galley but the results appear...even more alarming!

Now, this is my first trans-pacific flight and we are over water somewhere between Russia and japan. If we go down here, I’m thinking, there’s no chance of us surviving a ditching much less the freezing waters that await us.

The Flight Officer returns to the deck (cockpit) all upset and embarrased. The Flight Attendants grow more alarmed. The wife is asleep and clueless next to me. I think I see one Flight Attendant crying. I am, like, oh sh*t.

The Captain (I ascertain this because of the gravity of his tone and marked leadership and a good dose of kudasais), starts jabbering something in Japanese, to which the rest of the passengers react to with what I would categorize as “oh, noes”, in their language.

Still hundreds of miles from any land, at night, and in freezing weather (mind you, all I’ve done on this flight is stare at the map and flight progress on my personal TV screen), I’m thinking, oh crap, what the hell’s going on!

So, in my most diplomatic and reverent tone, I approach the head Flight Attendant and ask her if she could translate for us poor Gaijin barbarians what the Captain just announced because I’m already trying to find my flotation device beneath my seat and I can’t find it. Dear Lord, she starts crying. Again!

She sheepeshly tells me, in English, that she, the Captain, Japan Airlines and the Empire of Japan is deeply embarrased to inform me that our airplane’s in-flight entertainment system is malfunctioning and that we won’t be able to finish our FIFTH in-flight movie before final approach into Tokyo-Haneda!

Jesus!


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joeblack2022
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Joined Sep 2011
The Great White North
Aug 01, 2013 12:28 |  #6108

I followed the link and read the first post... Yikes!!!! :eek:


Joel

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x_tan
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Joined Sep 2010
ɐılɐɹʇsnɐ 'ǝuɹnoqlǝɯ
Aug 02, 2013 00:09 |  #6109

joeblack2022 wrote in post #16172853external link
I followed the link and read the first post... Yikes!!!! :eek:

Yes, I'm always very skeptical about their stuff - must be cheap for a reason.


Canon 5D3 + Zoom (EF 17-40L, 24-105L & 28-300L, 100-400L II) & Prime (24L II, 85L II, 100L, 135L & 200 f/2.8L II; Zeiss 1,4/35)
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Cubdriver
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Litchfield Co, CT
Aug 04, 2013 19:18 |  #6110

One night a young wife was invited out for a night with the girls. She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, but the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 2:30 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing that her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was very pleased with herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning he asked her what time she got in, and she replied "Midnight." He didn't seem angry in the least. "Whew, I got away with that one", she thought. Then he said 'We need a new Cuckoo Clock.' When she asked why, he replied, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


Smugmug site: http://pmanning.smugmu​g.com/external link

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neil_r
Cream of the Proverbial Crop
Landscape and Cityscape Photographer 2006
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18,065 posts
Joined Jan 2003
The middle of the UK
Aug 05, 2013 05:17 |  #6111

"I have been playing golf with Stephen Hawking, he lied about his handicap!"


Neil - © NHR Photography
Commercial Siteexternal link - Video Siteexternal link - Blog -external linkGear List There are no rules for good photographs, there are only good photographs. ~ Ansel Adams

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Tiberius
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2,544 posts
Joined Apr 2008
Aug 05, 2013 06:22 |  #6112

Did you know that 30% of the internet is porn? That's terrible. 70% of the internet just wasted.


My photography website!
PHOCAL PHOTOGRAPHY
 (external link)

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x_tan
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Joined Sep 2010
ɐılɐɹʇsnɐ 'ǝuɹnoqlǝɯ
Aug 08, 2013 20:58 as a reply to Tiberius's post |  #6113

Life of a Stranger Who Stole My Phoneexternal link

But the most funny parts are the repliesexternal link


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Harm
. . . overboard with the tea . . .
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Joined Jan 2008
Aug 08, 2013 21:22 |  #6114

x_tan wrote in post #16192815external link
Life of a Stranger Who Stole My Phoneexternal link

But the most funny parts are the repliesexternal link

:lol::lol::lol:


SmugMugexternal link

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20droger
Cream of the Crop
14,685 posts
Joined Dec 2006
Aug 08, 2013 23:19 as a reply to Harm's post |  #6115

Life is like living in a park.

Some days you're the pigeon; some days you're the statue.




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20droger
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14,685 posts
Joined Dec 2006
Aug 08, 2013 23:27 as a reply to 20droger's post |  #6116

The longer you're married, the more you learn. Why, when I was single I actually thought I could dress myself!




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20droger
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14,685 posts
Joined Dec 2006
Aug 08, 2013 23:29 as a reply to 20droger's post |  #6117

Lawyer: "Your Honor, I would like to drop my client's appeal."
Judge: "Why?"
Lawyer: "He's broke."




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neil_r
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Landscape and Cityscape Photographer 2006
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18,065 posts
Joined Jan 2003
The middle of the UK
Aug 09, 2013 14:53 |  #6118

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for £5 a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his £80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation......

And, if you want to, bring your mother and father along and I'll marry them.!"


Neil - © NHR Photography
Commercial Siteexternal link - Video Siteexternal link - Blog -external linkGear List There are no rules for good photographs, there are only good photographs. ~ Ansel Adams

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neil_r
Cream of the Proverbial Crop
Landscape and Cityscape Photographer 2006
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Joined Jan 2003
The middle of the UK
Aug 10, 2013 05:31 |  #6119

A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence,
so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.


Neil - © NHR Photography
Commercial Siteexternal link - Video Siteexternal link - Blog -external linkGear List There are no rules for good photographs, there are only good photographs. ~ Ansel Adams

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x_tan
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ɐılɐɹʇsnɐ 'ǝuɹnoqlǝɯ
Aug 10, 2013 05:36 as a reply to neil_r's post |  #6120

Right
.

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Sony α7r + Zeiss 1,8/55 FE
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