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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favourite Joke? (TOTALLY unrelated to photography)

 
KDPIV
Junior Member
20 posts
Joined Sep 2017
Sep 21, 2017 19:39 |  #7486

What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red Paint


One photographer and a dream

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CameraMan
Cream of the Crop
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In The Sticks
Sep 27, 2017 21:45 |  #7487

BREAKING NEWS: NFL FORCED TO CUT ONE TEAM
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league. They've decided to combine Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.


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Shampoo sounds like an unfortunate name for a hair product.
You're a ghost driving a meat-coated skeleton made from stardust, riding a rock, hurtling through space. Fear Nothing!

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Capn ­ Jack
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NE USA
Oct 03, 2017 20:19 |  #7488

Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
Have a good weekend


USA members- don't let the airlines buy the air traffic control system: http://www.atcnotforsa​le.com/ (external link)

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Capn ­ Jack
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Joined Mar 2010
NE USA
Oct 07, 2017 18:02 |  #7489

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day.

Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary


USA members- don't let the airlines buy the air traffic control system: http://www.atcnotforsa​le.com/ (external link)

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CameraMan
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In The Sticks
Oct 10, 2017 19:44 |  #7490

Posted by a friend on Facebook this morning. Thought it was pretty darn funny.

Because we all need a laugh today ..

So my neighbor has been complaining that my dog had been barking non-stop, Right? I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I found a humane citronella collar for him, that way when the dog barks, it shoots out a blast of citronella under their nose and they don't like it. Don't worry this gets good ..
I had to go somewhere this morning, so I figured I'd set the collar up. I filled it with the stuff and that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and my dumb ass decided to figure out how it works? So now I'm standing on my back porch "barking" at the collar, right? I'm like what the hell, I feel like a dumb ass, nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. So, I bark.... nothing happens. I don't know what possessed me to do this, but I put the collar around my neck, and barked. Well .. apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to my face!! I was coughing my lungs out which made this stupid collar spray out more s**t. Now, I'm basically dying, trying to breathe, with the dog looking at me like I'm stupid.

So between coughing and yelling for help, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. Mind You, this whole damn time, I'm trying to get the collar off, but I'm in such a panic, I can't figure it out. I finally get the collar off and threw the damn thing half way across the yard, sit in the chair trying to get the smell out of my nose. I decide to take a break and all I can think is why the f**k did I do this??? I was distracted by laughter.

UMM GUYS? MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING!
He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. He finally calms down and goes,"I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it". I was so embarrassed, I didnt know what to do or say, so I just went in to shower so I wouldn't be smelling like freaking Tiki Torch.

So lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that .. 1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off and 2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I probably won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!


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Shampoo sounds like an unfortunate name for a hair product.
You're a ghost driving a meat-coated skeleton made from stardust, riding a rock, hurtling through space. Fear Nothing!

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Roy ­ Mathers
I am Spartacus!
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Oct 11, 2017 04:30 |  #7491

This is your favourite joke?




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CameraMan
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In The Sticks
Post has been edited 1 month ago by CameraMan.
Oct 17, 2017 11:03 |  #7492

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the S#!t."


Photographer (external link) | The Toys! | Facebook (external link) | Video (external link) | Flickr (external link)
Shampoo sounds like an unfortunate name for a hair product.
You're a ghost driving a meat-coated skeleton made from stardust, riding a rock, hurtling through space. Fear Nothing!

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AZGeorge
Goldmember
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Joined Dec 2010
Southen Arizona
Oct 17, 2017 14:16 |  #7493

CameraMan wrote in post #18474729 (external link)
A group of four-year-olds . . . .

So far, one school librarian and two teachers consider you a comedic genius. Can SLN be far behind?


George
Democracy Dies in Darkness

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CameraMan
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Joined Dec 2010
In The Sticks
Oct 17, 2017 16:54 |  #7494

Roy Mathers wrote in post #18470242 (external link)
This is your favourite joke?

At that moment, Yes...


Photographer (external link) | The Toys! | Facebook (external link) | Video (external link) | Flickr (external link)
Shampoo sounds like an unfortunate name for a hair product.
You're a ghost driving a meat-coated skeleton made from stardust, riding a rock, hurtling through space. Fear Nothing!

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philodelphi
Senior Member
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Joined May 2008
King of Prussia PA USA
Oct 17, 2017 18:44 |  #7495

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the f*ck was THAT?!"


Canon EOS 6D | Sony α6300 / ILCE-6300, DSC-RX100M2 |

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OhLook
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15,262 posts
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Joined Dec 2012
California: SF Bay Area
Oct 17, 2017 19:13 |  #7496

philodelphi wrote in post #18474985 (external link)
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. . . .

This joke reads like a much-embellished version of Walter Matthau's story about his first acting job, told years ago on Johnny Carson's late-night TV show. Matthau's version was shorter and his punchline cleaner.


PRONOUN ADVISORY: OhLook is a she. | A FEW CORRECT SPELLINGS FOR YOU: lens, aperture, amateur, hobbyist, per se, raccoon, whoa, more so (2 wds.) | IMAGE EDITING OK

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Radtech1
Everlasting Gobstopper
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Joined Jun 2003
Trantor
Oct 17, 2017 19:50 |  #7497

OhLook wrote in post #18474995 (external link)
This joke reads like a much-embellished version of Walter Matthau's story about his first acting job, told years ago on Johnny Carson's late-night TV show. Matthau's version was shorter and his punchline cleaner.

My favorite quote attributed to Walter Matthau: "I don't mind if my wife has the last word. In fact, I am thrilled when she gets to it!"


.
.

Be humble, for you are made of the earth. Be noble, for you are made of the stars.

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john ­ crossley
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2,033 posts
Joined Nov 2009
The Rhubarb Triangle
Oct 18, 2017 15:58 |  #7498

The little lad that lives next-door said to me, “I know how to make babies.”
“Do you,” I replied.
“Yes,” he said. “You take take away the Y and add I-E-S.”


Those that can, do. Those that can't whinge.

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john ­ crossley
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Joined Nov 2009
The Rhubarb Triangle
Oct 21, 2017 14:55 |  #7499

How do trees access the internet?
They log on.


Those that can, do. Those that can't whinge.

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Capn ­ Jack
Senior Member
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Joined Mar 2010
NE USA
Oct 21, 2017 18:19 |  #7500

Joke for USA POTN members:

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.


USA members- don't let the airlines buy the air traffic control system: http://www.atcnotforsa​le.com/ (external link)

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