Santha Deve -- Final image and thank you (please scroll)

[Don Ellis]

This is Santha Deve -- Santha as in Santa, except the “a” is pronounced like “Open your mouth and say, ‘Ah.’” Deve as in Davey. It was originally Devi (same pronunciation), derived from the Sanskrit for “goddess”, but an immigration clerk misspelled it a long time ago and it’s remained “Deve” ever since. She is my mother-in-law and Leela’s mother.



Friends share things so I thought I would let you know that she passed away on Friday evening, August 1st. She was 82. Considering that hospital visiting hours have been severely curtailed in the wake of the SARS epidemic, we were fortunate to be with her when she died, though it may not be fortune at all -- knowing Mamma, there's every chance she waited for us.

We sat with her for an hour and a half. She graced us with a last smile and assured us several times that she was all right. Since she's right about everything else, we're sure she is. We miss her but take comfort in knowing that her pain is over... not that she ever admitted to having any.

She broke her leg just over a year ago and we have spent that time learning how old people die from something so repairable in the young. In all, she spent six months of the last year in various hospitals and in every one she was poked, prodded and punctured by people who were taught a lot about the body but little of the spirit. And every time they hurt her, she thanked them, because that was her spirit and she knew they were trying.

As a Hindu, she should be cremated within 24 hours of her death, but because she died on Friday evening and the government offices are only open until noon on Saturday, it wasn't possible to get all the paperwork done -- apparently a common occurrence in Hong Kong.

Today, Sunday, we made arrangements with an Indian priest and then went to an Indian provisions store to buy the many things -- from mustard seed to sandalwood to ghee and fabric -- that are part of the ceremony. Mamma would be pleased. She'll be cremated at noon on Tuesday and Leela and I will take her ashes to Penang sometime in the near future -- she would have wanted that since she hated Hong Kong (but presumably loved us

For a tiny woman -- 1.35 meters and 32 kilos (4.5 feet and 70 pounds) -- she leaves a huge hole in our universe but Leela had her all her life and I knew her for 11 years and lived with her for five. You take what happiness you can get.

Her religious devotion was matched by her intelligence, her insight into the human condition, and her wit. Considering her calm, dignified personality, I always had to laugh when, on a particularly sweltering summer day, she would exclaim, “It’s hot like hell!”

Well, it’s not hot where she’s going.



I walked into the living room one afternoon two years ago when Mmma was napping on our Chinese day bed and the sunlight was angling in through the terrace doors. I took her photograph knowing it would always be one of my favorites. I was right.

Take care,

Don

[new girl on the bloc]

Don - my sincerest condonlences to you and Leela. And thank you for sharing a bit of Santha Deve's story with us. She sounded to be a wise soul with much to teach.

Namaste!

[Spirit]

That last picture is so priceless... there are just no words to describe just how much so.

Is the little things we do, that make our time so memorable. This picture is one of them.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, and thank you for sharing this with us. I'm sure if she could speak to you now, she would ask that you smile, and say "thanks for the memories".

[Laziferous]

I'm very sorry to hear of your mother-in-law. I know you and Leela will smile when you look back at the photos you've taken of her over the years.

Wishing you peace and comfort.

[marie]

my thoughts are with you and with all santha's family don
even I miss her and shed a little tear on reading your words.
the portrait shot of santha here is wonderful also
her eyes are so expressive in it.
thank you


***

this single little tiny picture ( url below )
( size ..one and a quarter inches by nearly.. one inch ) it has been right beside my computer screen for a long time now ever since I left it out by mistake when I put the rest back somewhere, a long time ago.
its not very clear but its a photograph showing a bay in penang, photographed probably at the time santha was living there and rearing her large family.
the picture taken by a friend who sent it to me many many years ago.

it has been right beside me here and I was afraid it would get lost it is so tiny, but never got around to putting it away with the rest
and just looked at it every day.
saying to myself I must put it away.

if its ok,
I would like 'it' to express something of that which I felt for santha.
hope you don't mind

http://www.pbase.com/image/19974914

sent with love
marie

[Don Ellis]

When you see photographs of old people, it is easy to forget they were once young and vibrant and accomplished.

Santha Deve was born in 1921 in Sri Lanka and married when she was about 14. She and her husband moved to Kerala in South India before settling in Penang, Malaysia.

She and Pappa raised six children -- two boys and four girls -- and, unlike many parents at the time, they made sure the girls received an education.

Mamma was a nurse during World War II and spoke four languages -- Malay in Malaysia, Malayalam from South India, Tamil from Sri Lanka and, fortunately for me, English.

When Pappa died 25 years ago, Mamma continued to live in their home, walking down to the marketplace every morning for breakfast and tea. A cup of tea was one of the continuing pleasures of her life.

As she grew less independent, we managed to coax her to Hong Kong in 1995 to live with us for a year before she insisted on returning to Penang. It was not until 1999 that we were able to capture this little bird and bring her to Hong Kong for good. While she was in our home, she was the sun around which we orbited, and while she would have preferred Penang she was gracious about the change.

Her only real concern was that she would leave this life without a proper Hindu ceremony, something she was afraid wouldn’t happen in Hong Kong. Fortunately, Indians have played a prominent role in the development of our city from the beginning and we have 18 Hindu temples.

Mamma was cremated on Tuesday, 5 August 2003, in a traditional Hindu ceremony. We accompanied the priest the following day to collect her ashes, perform a final prayer and bring her ashes to the temple until we return them to Penang where she can be with her husband.

She is survived by six children, ten grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and one great admirer. And this is only the beginning of a life-long list of friends, relatives and strangers whose lives she touched.

Please forgive me if I don’t write individual messages to everyone and realize that each of your messages has been read, reread and appreciated. I posted the photos as a tribute for a great lady. Although she won’t be logging in here, I like to think she’s plugged in on a higher level and has received your thoughts and best wishes.

Best regards,

Don

[Leighow]

DON

No one was around when each of my parents passed away at home. But years later I was at the hospital when my brother-in-law died of cancer at 51. It is one moment in time that I will never forget.

My heart goes out to you and your wife.

Sincerely,

HOWIE

[CyberDyneSystems]

Thank you for sharing this with us Don,

I am sorry for your families loss.

[new girl on the bloc]

Ah yes, I can see the vibrancy in her eyes from the photo of when she was younger to the one where she was older. What a great story and obviously, a great soul.

[Jenga]

This thread is a lovely tribute to a wonderful woman, I've had tears in my eyes reading it. She was also lucky to have a son in law as fond of her as you are.

Thanks for sharing her with us.

[pappy]

Don, I have been away for the last week on a short vacation and have just returned to read the forum.

Your photographs are always exceptional but your portrait of Santha Deve sleeping is masterful and a profound expression of your love and respect for her. Her serenity, dignity and strength shine in all photos of this thread. What a moving and beautiful eulogy you have given her here.

Please accept my sincerest condolences on the loss of your most beautiful and beloved mother-in-law.

Kind Regards,
peter

[Don Ellis]

Leighow wrote:
No one was around when each of my parents passed away at home. But years later I was at the hospital when my brother-in-law died of cancer at 51. It is one moment in time that I will never forget.

My heart goes out to you and your wife.

Hi Howie,

There has to be something very special about dying in the presence of someone who loves you. I think for many people it is equally special to have been there to see a loved one off... one of my fears was that Mamma would die alone in a hospital among strangers. That didn't happen and for that I will always be grateful.

Because of that and the circumstances of Mamma's life in the last eight months, we're fine, Howie. Thank you.

Best,

Don

[Don Ellis]

Jenga, Peter... and everyone else... thank you very much for your very thoughtful, greatly appreciated comments. Mamma was a woman worth sharing and I was happy to introduce her to you. Here's hoping there's someone in your life with such a wonderful spirit.

Don

[Don Ellis]

Picture is point-and-shoot film that's been scanned... what can I say?



I owe Mamma something else...

I met Leela 11 years, 7 months and 7 days ago today.

Forty-two days after that first meeting, I proposed and would have done so earlier except that I was waiting for Valentine’s Day. She said no, of course (oh, that’s right, you don’t know her). And she kept saying no as I moved in and started taking up valuable closet space (her flat was three times the size of mine and wasn’t a fifth-floor walk-up). And she said no every year after that on Valentine’s Day and on the anniversary of our first meeting and whenever we were washing dishes and I’d ask again.

Been there, done that, didn’t want to do it again. At the time she was the owner of The Prince of Wales Pub, but after 17 years as a publican, with the Hong Kong economy sliding a bit after the 1997 handover of the territory to China, she decided to sell and begin writing her first novel.

A year after that her mother agreed to live with us.

We needed to make Mamma legal in Hong Kong and Leela, as her daughter, was the natural sponsor. Unfortunately, she was writing at home instead of pulling in piles of cash across the bar, and was afraid she couldn’t sponsor her without a job -- so after nearly seven and a half years, we were married.

When she went to register Mamma for her identity card, she joked with the immigration officer that she’d had to get married so her mother wouldn't be illegitimate.

“No need,” he said. “You’re her daughter -- of course you can sponsor her. Don’t need a job or a husband.”

Thanks, Mamma.

[CyberDyneSystems]

rofl.....

Aww she would have done it anyway... eventually!