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Thread started 09 Feb 2018 (Friday) 23:09
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Comment on my new home page's copy

 
icor1031
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Feb 11, 2018 16:34 |  #16

Wilt wrote in post #18561528 (external link)
Reworked...reorganized to elmination some of the rambling that some have mentioned.

My name is Jerrad Johnson, a local photographer serving Rapid City, SD, and the surrounding area. I opened Ideal Portraits in ’14. I’m happy with my work only when it has lasting value. That is what drives me, and that’s good news for you!

I consider my portrait style to be traditional; I’ve been told that my models appear “living.” And I take that as a compliment! You can learn a little about my personality from my portfolio. Similarly, your friends should see your personality in your portraits! You’re unique, and I encourage you to let that shine in your pictures!

You are my main subject; I want to show you in your best light. When we work together, I’ll focus on your posture, gaze, and your smile! Browse my galleries. Although I remove blemishes that you do not opt to keep, I try to keep your skin’s texture. I want you to appear real, not like a porcelain doll. For your photo session, choose outfits that best describe your personality, and choose props are important to you and show your likes or dislikes, your goals or achievements. Find poses you like and want to try. Or just tell me what personality you want to portray – playful, serious, happy, professional. I’ll help you achieve it.

If you have a suggestion or an idea, please share. This is your shoot more than it’s my shoot! Your pictures represent your life...they’ll go into your picture album to share with your children and grandchildren. Don't get too stressed about all of this though. If you come to me with nothing more specific than a desire for portraits, you'll get my creativity and quality work! This is what I do, and you can let me worry about the details.


Lose this, it adds no particular value, or it makes you sound like a beginner or equipment nerd:

I won’t forget about the other details. My picture edits are mild –

I’m also technically minded, and I use that to help create life-likeness in my pictures by understanding and using some of the best gear in the market.

But, I’m still learning.And I hope I’ll never stop learning! But,

Thank you! I'm in between two shoots right now, so I haven't been able to read through this, but I very much appreciate you doing this!


(2) Canon 6D || Zeiss Sonnar 135mm f/2 || Zeiss Otus 85mm f/1.4 || Sigma 85mm f/1.4 || Helios 44-2 58mm f/2 || Sigma 50mm f/1.4 Art || Canon 24mm f/2.8 || Rokinon 14mm f/2.8 || (2) Eg-S Focusing Screen
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Dusty
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Feb 11, 2018 17:51 |  #17

OhLook wrote in post #18561574 (external link)
Excuse me, but I have decades of experience as a copy editor...

As I said earlier, there's exceptions to the rule/s but in this case my advice is correct and acceptable.
I don't want to derail this thread so I'll leave it at that.
The only thing I'd like to ask you, as a copy editor, is, would you change any of the structure of the text in question?

Dusty
:-)


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OhLook
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Feb 11, 2018 19:29 |  #18

Dusty wrote in post #18561623 (external link)
As I said earlier, there's exceptions to the rule/s but in this case my advice is correct and acceptable.
I don't want to derail this thread so I'll leave it at that.
The only thing I'd like to ask you, as a copy editor, is, would you change any of the structure of the text in question?

Ahem. "There's are exceptions . . ."

Agreement is pleasant and all. Agreement would be nice. Still, I can't agree with what you say the rules are. As for the structure on icor's page, I haven't seen it. I rarely respond to requests to go off-site and evaluate a piece of writing, because I've sometimes done so and found so many things to comment on that I ended up donating a lot of time.


PRONOUN ADVISORY: OhLook is a she. | A FEW CORRECT SPELLINGS: lens, aperture, amateur, hobbyist, per se, raccoon, whoa, more so (2 wds.), shoo-in | IMAGE EDITING OK

  
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icor1031
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Post edited 3 months ago by icor1031.
     
Feb 11, 2018 23:05 |  #19

OhLook wrote in post #18561574 (external link)
Excuse me, but I have decades of experience as a copy editor, and the advice you posted is wrong. Whether a comma should precede "and" or "but" depends on sentence structure.

Most of my textbooks have placed the comma after "and," "but." It made me crazy! They did that when it made no sense, and caused a harsh break.

welshwizard1971 wrote in post #18561541 (external link)
More text than photo's, if I was looking at a photographers website, I'd expect to be slapped in the face by some some great examples of their work, even when I go hunting for some good examples, they're not that big, not big enough for me to see how good they are. But, that's me, I'm a nerd, but, I'm no pixel peeper either, but at the least I'd expect a pic from a pro to be sharp as a minimum, I'd expect most people would, but some of your pics I can't really tell. I've no doubt they are, so shout about it, really show how good you are.........

The gallery at the bottom enlarges on click.

The slideshow I made full width (significantly larger.)

Decent now?

Thanks!


(2) Canon 6D || Zeiss Sonnar 135mm f/2 || Zeiss Otus 85mm f/1.4 || Sigma 85mm f/1.4 || Helios 44-2 58mm f/2 || Sigma 50mm f/1.4 Art || Canon 24mm f/2.8 || Rokinon 14mm f/2.8 || (2) Eg-S Focusing Screen
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icor1031
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Post edited 3 months ago by icor1031. (2 edits in all)
     
Feb 11, 2018 23:12 |  #20

Wilt wrote in post #18561528 (external link)
Reworked...reorganized to elmination some of the rambling that some have mentioned.

My name is Jerrad Johnson, a local photographer serving Rapid City, SD, and the surrounding area. I opened Ideal Portraits in ’14. I’m happy with my work only when it has lasting value. That is what drives me, and that’s good news for you!

I consider my portrait style to be traditional; I’ve been told that my models appear “living.” And I take that as a compliment! You can learn a little about my personality from my portfolio. Similarly, your friends should see your personality in your portraits! You’re unique, and I encourage you to let that shine in your pictures!

You are my main subject; I want to show you in your best light. When we work together, I’ll focus on your posture, gaze, and your smile! Browse my galleries. Although I remove blemishes that you do not opt to keep, I try to keep your skin’s texture. I want you to appear real, not like a porcelain doll. For your photo session, choose outfits that best describe your personality, and choose props are important to you and show your likes or dislikes, your goals or achievements. Find poses you like and want to try. Or just tell me what personality you want to portray – playful, serious, happy, professional. I’ll help you achieve it.

If you have a suggestion or an idea, please share. This is your shoot more than it’s my shoot! Your pictures represent your life...they’ll go into your picture album to share with your children and grandchildren. Don't get too stressed about all of this though. If you come to me with nothing more specific than a desire for portraits, you'll get my creativity and quality work! This is what I do, and you can let me worry about the details.


Lose this, it adds no particular value, or it makes you sound like a beginner or equipment nerd:

I won’t forget about the other details. My picture edits are mild –

I’m also technically minded, and I use that to help create life-likeness in my pictures by understanding and using some of the best gear in the market.

But, I’m still learning.And I hope I’ll never stop learning! But,

Again, thanks for your suggestions! Some comments:

I intentionally wanted to sound like a gear nerd. Do you think that would be taken negatively? I'm fine with tossing it.

You removed the ends of my paragraphs that lead into the next paragraph. Basically, you made each paragraph stand on its own. That might be good for textbooks, but it's bad for getting people to keep reading. I don't have much experience with writing them, though; can you suggest different ways to write those?

I'm trying to keep my word count high (without writing garbage), for SEO. If I use your edits, I'll be pretty low; have any ideas on topics to write more about, on this page?


(2) Canon 6D || Zeiss Sonnar 135mm f/2 || Zeiss Otus 85mm f/1.4 || Sigma 85mm f/1.4 || Helios 44-2 58mm f/2 || Sigma 50mm f/1.4 Art || Canon 24mm f/2.8 || Rokinon 14mm f/2.8 || (2) Eg-S Focusing Screen
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AZGeorge
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Feb 13, 2018 16:37 |  #21

OhLook wrote in post #18561574 (external link)
Excuse me, but I have decades of experience as a copy editor, and the advice you posted is wrong. Whether a comma should precede "and" or "but" depends on sentence structure. Compound sentences need that comma unless the clauses are short and similar. Starting a sentence with "and" or "but" is all right these days, although it's awkward in some places and it can be overdone.

"Also" shouldn't be used to introduce an independent clause. Wrong: "Also two employees of the defendant testified in his behalf." Acceptable: "Also testifying for the defense were two of Smith's employees."

The comma is needed to set off "though."

Fair Warning

Take it from a newspaper guy. You do not wish to mess with an experienced copy editor until you have memorized and internalized at least three major style sheets.

Free Advice to OP

A private message to OhLook offering compensation for a quick run through of your work would be worth the time and money. There may be a living writer who would not benefit from editing, but probably not.


George
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Wilt
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Post edited 3 months ago by Wilt. (4 edits in all)
     
Feb 13, 2018 19:55 as a reply to  @ icor1031's post |  #22

Consider that mostly people have short attention spans, which is why a particular camera angle on TV seldom lasts 5 seconds. That, or they are short on time and looking at a number of potential photographers.
You have a short amount of time to grab their attention; you do not want to bore them with a Masters thesis, which forces them to devote more time at your web site than they might be inclined.
You are a photographer, not a writer. You want them to look at your images and not be bored with a lot of verbiage, to see that your style appeals to them, so that -- after seeing some photos which grab them -- they will take the time to read a longer description.
No one deliberately thinks, "I want to hire an equipment nerd". They want someone to capture their soul in an appealing photo which captures their own mental image of themself.


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icor1031
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Post edited 3 months ago by icor1031.
     
Feb 13, 2018 20:31 |  #23

Wilt wrote in post #18563202 (external link)
Consider that mostly people have short attention spans, which is why a particular camera angle on TV seldom lasts 5 seconds. That, or they are short on time and looking at a number of potential photographers.
You have a short amount of time to grab their attention; you do not want to bore them with a Masters thesis, which forces them to devote more time at your web site than they might be inclined.
You are a photographer, not a writer. You want them to look at your images and not be bored with a lot of verbiage, to see that your style appeals to them, so that -- after seeing some photos which grab them -- they will take the time to read a longer description.
No one deliberately thinks, "I want to hire an equipment nerd". They want someone to capture their soul in an appealing photo which captures their own mental image of themself.

Alright. I plan to rewrite it - including some suggestions you made, and add my long text *after* my gallery. I definitely need long text though, for google rank; even if no one reads it.
Thanks!


(2) Canon 6D || Zeiss Sonnar 135mm f/2 || Zeiss Otus 85mm f/1.4 || Sigma 85mm f/1.4 || Helios 44-2 58mm f/2 || Sigma 50mm f/1.4 Art || Canon 24mm f/2.8 || Rokinon 14mm f/2.8 || (2) Eg-S Focusing Screen
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OhLook
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Feb 13, 2018 21:19 |  #24

AZGeorge wrote in post #18563043 (external link)
Take it from a newspaper guy. You do not wish to mess with an experienced copy editor until you have memorized and internalized at least three major style sheets.

Reading a few usage manuals is a good idea, too. Confession: I wish everyone would.

A private message to OhLook offering compensation for a quick run through of your work would be worth the time and money.

Thank you for that recommendation. Actually, I prefer to work on double-spaced manuscripts on paper. Maybe a newspaper guy would like the job?


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texkam
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Feb 13, 2018 23:44 |  #25

I definitely need long text though, for google rank

You're in frickin Rapid City SD. How much clutter do you really need to cut through? Methinks you're over thinking things too much. I wouldn't want to hire someone who markets themselves as a long winded, egotistical, borderline creepy sounding, photographer. Short, sweet, get to the point, and post your very best work.




  
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icor1031
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Feb 13, 2018 23:50 |  #26

texkam wrote in post #18563341 (external link)
You're in frickin Rapid City SD. How much clutter do you really need to cut through? Methinks you're over thinking things too much. I wouldn't want to hire someone who markets themselves as a long winded, egotistical, borderline creepy sounding, photographer. Short, sweet, get to the point, and post your very best work.

Have you ever done SEO?


(2) Canon 6D || Zeiss Sonnar 135mm f/2 || Zeiss Otus 85mm f/1.4 || Sigma 85mm f/1.4 || Helios 44-2 58mm f/2 || Sigma 50mm f/1.4 Art || Canon 24mm f/2.8 || Rokinon 14mm f/2.8 || (2) Eg-S Focusing Screen
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icor1031
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Post edited 3 months ago by icor1031.
     
Feb 17, 2018 19:07 |  #27

I removed the techie talk, placed the focus more on the client, made some of the specific suggestions Wilt offered, and I placed my gallery near the top (and added a second gallery.)

Much better now? More suggestions?


(2) Canon 6D || Zeiss Sonnar 135mm f/2 || Zeiss Otus 85mm f/1.4 || Sigma 85mm f/1.4 || Helios 44-2 58mm f/2 || Sigma 50mm f/1.4 Art || Canon 24mm f/2.8 || Rokinon 14mm f/2.8 || (2) Eg-S Focusing Screen
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texkam
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Feb 17, 2018 23:32 |  #28

... please don't bring anything you want to be in the picture that may be offensive, such as: anything related to politics, religion, sex, sexual-orientation ...

????????????

https://scontent-dft4-2.xx.fbcdn.net …3a1c0130d6f92&o​e=5B013DDA (external link)
... so this prop is OK?

https://cdn.shopify.co​m …776_512x.jpg?v=​1512834302 (external link)
... but this prop would not be OK?

Trying to understand this.




  
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Perfectly ­ Frank
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Feb 17, 2018 23:42 |  #29

icor1031 wrote in post #18566345 (external link)
I removed the techie talk, placed the focus more on the client, made some of the specific suggestions Wilt offered, and I placed my gallery near the top (and added a second gallery.)

Much better now? More suggestions?

Yes, better now.


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