Funny - Computer Maintenance & Troubleshooting

[garethhhhh]

Computer Maintenance & Troubleshooting

EDIT: ONLY those who are currently employed as an SE or CE (depending on the company) are authorized to view this. Besides......it's HIGHLY technical.

1. Approach the problem machine in a confident manner. Let it think that you don't care if it works or not. Like dogs, computers can smell fear.

2. Always act as though you know what to do. Never let the machine know you're baffled or it will only try harder.

3. Always be ready for a machine to start working of its own accord. Do something as soon as you reach the machine and always have a hand touching some part of it. This is because you want to be able to say something like, "There! I thought that would work" if it suddenly starts working.

4. Wave the reference manual at the machine. If you don't have one, use any technical manual you have available. This has the effect of invoking spirits friendly to your cause and may convince the machine to give up without a struggle.

5. Continuing the black magic, recite Ohm's law to the machine. It may add to your arsenal if you learn to say it backwards - it can't hurt.

6. Try percussive maintenance. This involves gently lifting the uncooperative device about l00mm above the desk as though looking for something underneath. You then suddenly drop the beast. This often completely fixes the fault. Scientists are divided over whether the shock knocks something back into place or just frightens the machine. Whichever, remember to say something suitable about "needing to know just the right way to do it."

7. If the item is relatively untraceable (such as a printer that other departments also have) do one of the following:


a. Arrange to borrow a working machine from the other department 'for operational comparison,' and during the test, swap yours for theirs. Pretend that yours is still broken for a day or so until they get theirs fixed, or if in a hurry, put a blown fuse in your broken machine before you give it to them so that they don't realize it has an identical fault.


b. Get in early in the morning and simply swap your broken machine with a working model in a different department. If there's a danger that serial numbers are kept somewhere, make sure you've swapped all of your machines long before they break. That way when you swap them back after yours breaks, you now have the one you should have and no one can point the finger.


8. If all else fails, try bribing the machine with a good cleaning: a new ribbon, a hard disk clean up, an extra 10 volts of main voltage.


8. If none of the above works, consider taking out a contract on the machine. $100.00 slipped to the office cleaner will usually arrange a suitable 'accident' such as falling down the stairs or into the fish tank in the reception area.

[FlyingPete]

You shouldn't be posting things like this on a public forum, those of us who have done support don't want this sort of information to get out!

[JZaun]

You forgot one.

9. Take the unit in to the shop for repairs and loose it!

JZaun

[Scottes]

Very strange but true story about computer support...

I ran the network for a company of about 180 people. One person, Lisa, was a little loopy. And her computer *always* broke down - flakey things happened all the time. About every 3 or 4 months her computer would become useless. Nobody could ever fix it, so we just wiped the hard drive and re-installed all her software.

One day the PC was acting really weird, and none of the guys could fix it, so they sent me up to look at it. I poked around, and noticed that she had a wristwatch lying on top of her computer, and several crystals - quartz and amethyst and such. Having spent the previous 10 years living in Salem, MA (Salem Witch Trials and all that) I kinda knew what the crystals were for - "protection" and "energy" and such.

So I asked about her wristwatch, and why it was on her computer - fully expecting a strange answer. And I got one.

"Oh, I can't wear watches because they eventually stop. It's my electricity. I have a very strong inner current and that makes them stop."

"And the crystals?" I asked, better prepared now.

"They help me focus and channel my energy."

Well, I got her computer running again, shaking my head the whole time. When I got back to my office I ordered an "anti-static pad" - basically a wire-embedded pad with a cable to connect to the ground point of an electrical outlet. So this serves the same purpose as an anti-static wristband you're supposed to wear when working on computer parts. I gave her the pad, and told her to touch it every time she sat down, and it would ground her, dissipating her static electricity.

Well now *I* was getting the looks like I was loopy.

But she never had a computer problem again. No lie.


3 years later I started a job at a new company. On my second day my boss wanted me to look at a girl's PC because it always gave her problems, and he could never fix it. So I went over to take a look.

On her computer sat a wristwatch. Uh-huh. I looked at her and said "You can't wear wristwatches becauses they always stop on you, right?" Not even a greeting, mind you.

She looked at me like I had 3 heads, and simply nodded.

I looked at my boss and said "Buy her an anti-static pad to put under her keyboard." And then I started to walk away.

My boss stopped me, and said - quite incredulously - "WHAT? ! ?"

I repeated myself, said "My job here is done" and walked away. I spent less than a minute at the girl's desk, and never touched her computer.

My boss ordered the anti-static pad, the girl touched it every time she sat down, and she never had another computer problem. Ever.

[CyberDyneSystems]

Wow,. Scottes,. you just described my Boss..

She (note ,. it is ALLWAYS a She) frys three watches a year on Averadge.

When she first started working at my theatre,. I could not get a PC or printer that would run relaibly for her for the life of me!

Eventually I built a little P-100 (this was "several" years ago) and an NEC 870 laser printer.. that WORKED. It was relaible,. in fact still is. The office at this point all of us are on at least the 2nd upgrade since the p100 was given to the Boss.

She,. still has the P100.. neither She nor I want to risk trying anythiung new. I've put in a new hard drive a few years back,. (the 512MB ran out of room) and that is all.

[Scottes]

Originally Posted by CyberDyneSystems

Wow,. Scottes,. you just described my Boss..

Buy her an anti-static pad.... We'll split your raise.

[JZaun]

Well scottes
Another strange one. Back in the early 60's all business machines were mechanical when I was a service tech for NCR. A operator and her boss called me and complained their machine was shocking her. The manager was ready to throw out the machine and had in fact talked to his lawyer. The operator refused to use the unit. No electrical problem could be found. I sat with the operator and for her sake held on to the unit to feel the shock..after a few minutes she reached for a legger card and when she picked it up 10 - 15 followed..STATIC.. I put a bare wire from the machine to inside her shoe and we never had another service call for shocking.

JZaun

[garethhhhh]

FlyingPete, JZaun, Scott, CDS this just is for you...

[JZaun]

garethhhhh

I took your test.. I won't give my score but question #7, well back when "DOS" was king we used "Del*.*"

JZaun

[shelbix2020]

When I took IT classes at school we refered to these cases as ID-10-T problems
.. or ID10T for short

[dtrayers]

I support a large ERP system and we call it PBKAC (pronounced "P-B-Kack")

Problem Between Keyboard And Chair

For a while, this was a weekly conversation with the same person:

"Dave, my password doesn't work again!"

"Caps-lock is on."

"Oh, yes, that's it! Thanks!"

This person liked to SHOUT WHEN THEY TYPED.

[shelbix2020]

dtrayers - you work for Apple?

my GF works for Apple and she learned from them PEB-KAC
- Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair

just wondering ... Ive never heard that before lol

[dtrayers]

No, I work for a manufacturing company in the Twin Cities of Minnesota. I was a consultant for an Enterprise Resource Planning system called Baan and I learned the term from another consultant on an implementation 6 years ago.

[pradeep1]

Wonderful! :P I use this technique on my friends' computer problems and am able to get away with it at least 80% of the time.

[Belmondo]

I suppose I don't mind telling a short story about myself.

The wireless capability died on my nearly-new Gateway laptop in the middle of my recent trip to New York. I’d had some problems sending email just prior to the wireless problem, and somehow had convinced myself that the difficulties were all interrelated and would clear themselves up when we got home.

Wrong.

I finally dug out my old ‘Sony Vaio laptop which was working just fine, including its wireless network adapter. I played around with the Gateway for a few more days in my free time changing just about every setting I could think of to no avail.

I finally logged on with the interactive Gateway support people, and ran through all the diagnostics procedures they recommended. We determined that the 802.11b card was working okay, but they were at a loss to suggest what I might try next. They finally gave me a toll-free number to call which is a dedicated line for people with wireless network problems.

I called the wi-fi expert and described the problem. He asked which model laptop I had, and when I told him, he asked, “Is the wireless button pushed?�

“What wireless button?� I asked.

It turns out that at the top of the keyboard are a couple buttons which I’ve never paid any attention to (email, etc.). One of them does indeed have a blue light in the middle of it, which I had noticed before, but never paid any particular attention to. Sure enough, it was not lit. I pressed the button, and there it was---blue lights, wireless service, red face.

The tech support guy did his best to convince me that this was a common problem on this model, and that many people smarter than I (?) had experience the same difficulty. He also told me he knew of no earthly reason for the button to be there. On that point, we agreed.