Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started...

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?' Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks. Flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic ?

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

things you just cant do

1. It is absolutely Impossible to touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots will try this after reading number 1.

3. You have now discovered the first truth is a lie.

4. now you are smiling because you're an idiot.

5. you will soon forward this to another idiot so you're not alone

6.There is still a smile on your face, i apologize, I'm an idiot and needed company lol

I'm only smiling because of all the typo's

LNJ Photography wrote in post #11196806
things you just cant do

1. It is absolutely Impossible to touch all of your teeth with your tounge.

2. All idots will try this after reading number 1.

3. You have now discovered the first truth is a lie.

4. no you are smiling because you're an idiot.

5. you will soon forward this to another idiot so you're not alone

6.There is still a smile on your face, i apologize, Im an idiot and neeed company lol

No point in my trying to touch me teeth with my tongue, I don't have any. So does that make me not an idiot or merely toothless?

OK so I only am missing part of my teeth (the wisdom ones) so I could argue that that in and of itself make me.......

Wayne

Kim F wrote in post #11196868
I'm only smiling because of all the typo's

they call'em smart phones but they always seem to mess up for me lol.

LNJ Photography wrote in post #11196926
they call'em smart phones but they always seem to mess up for me lol.

I've heard that people use smart phones so that there's at least some intelligence present, even if it's artificial.

I'm smiling because those who point out language errors always tend to make one themselves.

Kim F wrote in post #11196868
I'm only smiling because of all the typo's

bjordan wrote in post #11199491
I'm smiling because those who point out language errors always tend to make one themselves.

Indeed...All the typo's what?

A guy walks into a bar (PG 13)

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures it first!"

mikerault wrote in post #11225003
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey....

I told this joke to a wedding party I was photographing a week or so ago... it got a laugh

tim wrote in post #11225766
I told this joke to a wedding party I was photographing a week or so ago... it got a laugh

Tim,
I have passed that joke around work already. I've had 10 people try to tell it back to me. It's a hit around here and it's damn funny.

asysin2leads wrote in post #11228153
Tim,
I have passed that joke around work already. I've had 10 people try to tell it back to me. It's a hit around here and it's damn funny.

It is now doing the rounds at my work as well!

John walks up to the bar tender and bets him $100.00 that he can drink an entire fifth of whiskey in one chug.
The bartender thinks to himself, “I know this isn’t possible”
“OK I will bet you the 100.00 dollars!” the bartendar told John

John lifted the bottle and drank it all….and then said to the bartender, “You owe me $100.00!!! then staggered out.

The next day John came to the bar again. He had a new bet for the bartender!! “I'll bet you 1,000 dollars that I can pee in this glass from 10' away and get every drop in."
The bartender thought to himself again,” No way can he do this!”

“OK I’ll bet you!” said the bartender.

So John sets the glass on the bar, and then climbs up onto the bar and stands 10' away and starts peeing all over the bar, not even getting any near the glass.

“HA HA HA! I got ya…you owe me 1,000 dollars!!!!” said the bartender.

John said, “Here’s your 1,000….it’s ok though, 'cause you see that guy crying at the table over there? I bet him $5,000 dollars that i could pee all over your on your bar and you would laugh about it!!”