Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Ok, something to get the new year off on the right foot...

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it".
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."


2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.
Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with...transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression,..."He who has a Tate's is lost!"


6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as
saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."


7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.

Happy New Year!

A treasure hunter by hobby, a man takes two weeks off work to hunt for sunken treasure in the Florida Keys. Renting all the needed gear he spend all day every day combing the ocean floor for any sign of shipwrecks, and each day finding nothing.

On his last day, dejected, and nothing to show for his efforts, he swims back to shore, and wading through the ankle deep surf he stubs his toe.

Curious, he reaches his hand through the six inches of water, brushes away some sand, and feels something made of wood. Brushing away more, it is huge chest. With some time and effort, he manages to dislodge it and opens it up. Sure enough, it is full to the brim with gold, jewels, crowns, scepters, and all manner of coins and doubloon.

He exclaims, "I should have know, 'Booty is only shin deep!' "

You guys will be pun-ished!

Ted the bus driver arrives for work to find his regular coach out of service. The terminal manager tells him the only available back up is the rig with the stencil of the Sesame Street characters. So Ted takes it and off he goes on his route.

At his first stop he picks up two riders, both are overweight women named Patricia.

Waiting at the second stop is a rider named Lester Pease, a frequent customer. He jumps on, says hi to Ted and tells him that his feet are killing him due to his bunions. Ted tells him to sit down, which Lester does, and then proceeds to remove his shoes and socks and work his feet with his hands.

Next stop, on jumps a young boy who introduces himself as Ross. He tells Ted, "I'm Ross, and my mom says I'm special."

Just after Ross gets settled, a truck runs a red light. As Ted swerves to miss it, he loses control and ditches. His bus rolls and it is a mess.

When the police arrive, they question a young girl who was on the opposite sidewalk. Her statement to police of what happened:

"All I saw was two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Pease picking bunions on the Sesame Street bus."

A man goes to the doctor's. Clearly in some discomfort.
The doc asks him to drop his trousers.
This reveals a lettuce leaf sticking out of his backside.

The doctor removes it, shows patient and tells him....... "and that's just the tip of the iceberg".

A fella goes to the dentist for a check up.
Dentist looks in and tells the fella his teeth are horrible, almost all rotted out.

Fella says it must be the Hollandaise Sauce. I have it on everything ya know, from toast in the morning to a late night snack with crackers and milk...and everything in between. I just love it.

Dentist says he's left with no choice but to install a chrome plate. Fella says - What? a Chrome plate?

Sure says the dentist....everyone knows...... there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.

20droger wrote in post #11558153
You guys will be pun-ished!

Roger I'm affraid that it is we who are being pun-ished.

Wayne

I can't stand the punishment.

Just remember, there are three rings in a marriage: the engagement ring; the wedding ring; and the suffer ring.

As we in the wedding biz tell our clients:

The first child can come anytime. The rest take nine months.

How can you tell when a wedding is formal?

The shotgun is white.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along.

"Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

What gets me is all the old chestnuts posting in an open forum...

People like to argue about who's right, the Republicans/Conservati​ves or the Democrats/Liberals (not here on POTN, of course).

They all forget: a liberal is merely a conservative who hasn't been mugged yet.

There was once a conservative political science professor (yeah -- it only happened once) that had a bright, liberal leaning student. The student had aced all of his exams and papers. But, when it came time to issue final grades, the professor told the student that the college had a policy that the average grade for the class had to be a C and that if he gave the student the A that he deserved, he would have to flunk another student. "What should I do?" asked the professor. "Flunk the slouch!" said the student!
"Congratulation.. You are now a conservative!" said the professor.