Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

An Irishman was up in front of the judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly.
The judge asked him where he bought his liquor.
"I didn't buy it, your honour, a Scotsman gave it to me."
The judge banged down his gavel, "Thirty days for perjury," he said.

The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman. They had a good marriage, but the kids weren't much to look at.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without Missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy cow! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

8 people on a small commercial plane in flight with a dead engine. A passenger asks the man next to him "with only one engine will we make it?". The man responds "we will make it, to the crash site, 'cause that's where we're heading, and I bet we beat the paramedics by half an hour".

Ron White

"Laughter greases up the engine of worry, enabling you to slide merrily on your way." - Bob and Ray (in a skit)

LBaldwin wrote in post #10929830
Ole walks into Sven's barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large red piece of machinery.

Ole says "what da heck are ya doing Sven?"

Sven replies, "Vell, Ole, me an dah misses haven't been gettin on lately and dat dere therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

This **** is racist... // A swede.

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
---------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her some bathroom scales.
And then the fight started...
---------------
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

Our friends in Ireland have the lowest
stress rate because they do not take
medical terminology seriously ....

Artery ............... The study of paintings
Benign ............... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section ............... A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan ............... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize ............... Made eye contact with her
Coma ...............A punctuation mark
Dilate ...............To live long
Fester ............... Quicker than someone else
Fibula ...............A small lie
Impotent ...............Disting​uished, well known
Labour Pain ............... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff ...............A Doctor's cane
Morbid ...............A higher offer
Nitrates ...............Cheaper than day rates
Outpatient ...............A person who has fainted
Rectum ...............Did him harm
Terminal Illness .............Getting sick at the airport
Urine ...............Opposit​e of you're out

When Love fades..........

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when

I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, *******. I was talking to the cat."

Skip Souza wrote in post #11629762
When Love fades..........

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when

I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, *******. I was talking to the cat."

Surely not sweet Maureen?!!

And we don't even have a cat


A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.


The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years, and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.


"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

^^ LoL... True so true .......

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here", "These coyotes ain't f-ing our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter in that room. The meeting never really got back on track.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,
poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he
says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!
the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes
off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"