Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

^^ one of my favorites.

CameraMan wrote in post #15680330
While Sitting on the Airplane

Two blind pilots, both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane came aboard the plane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Freaking awesome.

little Jimmy is trying to sleep one night but he keeps hearing loud banging noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He gets up, walks down the hall and opens his parents' bedroom door. He sees his mom bent over the bed with his dad behind her, banging away. His dad looks up, laughs nervously, and tells Jimmy to get out.

A few nights later, Jimmy's dad is trying to go to sleep but he keeps hearing banging noises coming from his son's room. Concerned and a little irate, Jimmy's dad gets up and walks down the hall to Jimmy's room. He opens the door and there's Jimmy, banging his grandma. Jimmy looks at his dad and says "not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

****SM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

philwillmedia wrote in post #15742390
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk


..............

If only it were not so true

Phil, I'm still laughing!
But I'm crying as well....

That it, now I know I am getting old. I settled down to watch a porno last night and all the way throught it all I kept thinking was " That bed looks really comfortable"

A 15 year old Amish boy and his father somehow found themselves in a very fancy shopping Mall.

They were amazed by everything they saw but were particularly fascinated by a steel wall that on occasions slid open. They stopped to look at it for a while when they noticed a little old lady in a wheelchair approach it, she pushed the small button next to it and the steel wall opened to let her roll her wheelchair in, then the steel wall closed again.

They noticed some lights above the wall and these lights were counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and then 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 then the doors opened and out stepped a completely gorgeous 21 year old woman, wearing a very revealing skin tight top and a very short skirt indeed.

Without taking his eyes off the young lady the old Amish man whispered to his son “Daniel, go get your mother”

Not a joke but very funny http://www.wimp.com/cl​assicbloopers/

Love it.

bubbygator wrote in post #15736204
Charlie was well known. In fact, as he was boasting to his friend, "I know everyone that's anyone!" His friend found this hard to believe, so decided to put it to the test. "Okay Charlie, I bet you don't know the queen."
"Sure I do! Liz is a great mate. In fact, I'll prove it to you."
So they hopped on a plane and flew to London, went to the palace, Charlie spoke to a beefeater, and a few minutes later, Queen Elizabeth was gliding down the stairs exclaiming "Charlie! How are you?" They had afternoon tea with the queen, and Charlie's mate was impressed.

After tea, the two are walking away from the palace, and Charlie's friend says, "Okay. But I bet you don't know Obama."
Sure enough, Charlie exclaims, "Obe and I are great mates!" So again, they hop on a plane, fly to Washington, go to the White House, Charlie speaks to a Secret Service guy outside, and a few minutes later Obama comes down the stairs greeting the pair of them.

Afterwards, Charlie's mate says, "You're an atheist aren't you Charlie?"
"Yes."
"Then I bet you don't know the Pope."
"The Pope? Of course I know him. We have great theological debates together."

So again, they both hop on a plane, fly to the Vatican, and Charlie approaches a cardinal. He returns and says to his mate, "I'm afraid you're not allowed in. But I'll go in and see him, and we'll both come out on the balcony and I'll wave to you. Okay?"
"Sure." says Charlie's mate.

So, Charlie goes inside the Vatican, and sure enough, a few minutes later, the Pope and Charlie come out onto the balcony together, and Charlie waves at him. As Charlie is waving, he sees his mate collapse to the ground. So he runs down stairs to the aid of his friend, gets to him amongst the small crowd, and asks him what happened.

"Well, I was standing here, I saw you come out onto the balcony with the Pope, and this dignified guy next to me starts spouting Chinese at me. His translator leaned over and said, The Shanghai ambassador is asking: "Who's that man in the funny hat, standing next to Charlie?""

My 5 year old was heard in the background yesterday asking his mom:

"What do you call a flying skunk?"


*drumroll*


A Smellicopter!

cdiver2 wrote in post #15756981
Not a joke but very funny http://www.wimp.com/cl​assicbloopers/

There is no way that those were all just by accident, can any one person be that unlucky/clumsy? Regardless, made me chuckle.