Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Dr. Aaron Shapiro comes from a small town in Ohio. He also becomes a world reknown research scientist, winning, among other awards, the Nobel prize in medicine. After being away from his home town for 30 years he goes back to accept an award. On the evening of the event he's about to make his speech and he drops his notes. As he bends over to pick them up he lets loose the longest and loudest fart known to civilization. Embarassed he rushes out of the hotel and vows never to return.30 years go by and on in years he decides to go back. But with a disguise.

As he is registering in the hotel, the young clerk asks him if he's ever been in town before. He says yes. And then confesses that many, many years ago he did a "disgusting thing" that embarrassed him and was ashamed to return.

The young clerk, wise beyond his years, says that people forget and forgive and he shouldn't be ashamed anymore. "How long ago was it?" he asks.

"Oh, many, many years ago."

"Oh, was it before or after the Shapiro fart?"


<")))><

Radtech1 wrote in post #10004551
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?”

Again there is no response.


So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

Very thought provoking.

A lad goes on holiday to Magaluf and texts his mate saying "Weather out here is just like your Mum... 36 and really hot" his mate replies "Weather back here is just like your sister..... 17 and soaking wet"!!!!!!

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now, a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.

The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.


She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.


She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.


Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.


"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."


"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.


"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua ?"


I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.


"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.


"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."


"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.


"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.


"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

North Korean Carrier Group departs to attack california:

^Look like they already reach Hawaii beach

Harm wrote in post #15833437
North Korean Carrier Group departs to attack california:

Jeez, Harm, I'm glad they're not heading our way...our navy would have difficulty mustering a large enough force to counter such a threat!

Ricardo222 wrote in post #15835632
Jeez, Harm, I'm glad they're not heading our way...our navy would have difficulty mustering a large enough force to counter such a threat!

^No way they come to Kiwi - they will stop in Japan for Sushi for sure

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A YORKSHIRE GIRL!......

Three friends married women from different parts of the world...The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl.He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
....The third man married a girl from Yorkshire. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned,dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. The first day he didn't see anything,the second day he didn't see anything either,...... but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

Good one, Phil.

neil_r wrote in post #15833254
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now, a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.


....


"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

Hey Neil...missed this contribution before...but it really cracked me up. I'm spending more time in my shed recently...the missus is getting worried!

I just changed my iPod name to Titanic.
It's synching now.

RTMiller wrote in post #15692172
Mom was out, and dad was in charge. The little girl was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home. Dad made mom wait in the living room to watch their daughter bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy. Mom watched dad drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Oh man, as a Dad many times over this is the funniest one yet.