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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
JasonMK
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Jun 12, 2014 05:47 |  #6646

Guy goes into a pet store, asks employee, "You got any cats goin' cheap?"
Employee responds, "No, sir. All our cats go meow."


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Iancentric
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Jun 14, 2014 07:12 |  #6647

what can you say about women who buy $200 perfumes ?

They have no common scents..

( i borrowed this from a model friend)


Ian
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20droger
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Jun 15, 2014 12:43 as a reply to  @ Iancentric's post |  #6648

Today being Fathers' Day, I am reminded of the difference between faith and knowledge:

When a baby is born, the woman knows it is hers and her husband has faith that it is his.




  
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CameraMan
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Jun 16, 2014 07:22 |  #6649

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut


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Shampoo sounds like an unfortunate name for a hair product.
You're a ghost driving a meat-coated skeleton made from stardust, riding a rock, hurtling through space. Fear Nothing!

  
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Davenn
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Jun 19, 2014 07:32 |  #6650

Cameraman

haha .... that had an unexpected ending


Dave


A picture is worth 1000 words ;)
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Davenn
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Jun 19, 2014 07:35 |  #6651

20droger wrote in post #16954270 (external link)
I've gotten completely out of shape, so I decided to take an arobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for over an hour. Finally, I got my leotard on, but by then, the class was over.

haha
and on the subject of shape

My doctor said, you need to get into shape
I replied, I'm round, that's a shape ;)


Dave


A picture is worth 1000 words ;)
Canon 5D3, 6D, 700D, a bunch of lenses and other bits, ohhh and some Pentax stuff ;)

  
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Davenn
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Jun 19, 2014 08:52 |  #6652

An oldie from my collection

for the physicists amongst you ;)

Perpetual Motion
---------------
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down.

Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
_______________

.......this mail got the following reply from one of the recipients
_______________

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/tc
where
* 'p' is the probability of carpet impact
* 's' is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high 's' value, while the 's' value of water is zero.
* 'tc' and 't(t)' indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of 'p' being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a 'p' value of 1, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.


cheers
Dave


A picture is worth 1000 words ;)
Canon 5D3, 6D, 700D, a bunch of lenses and other bits, ohhh and some Pentax stuff ;)

  
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20droger
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Jun 19, 2014 10:18 as a reply to  @ Davenn's post |  #6653

Someone mentioned that I have a small repertoire of jokes that I use over and over. I simply pointed out that since most of my friends have Alzheimer's, it doesn't matter.




  
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Grumps ­ Photo
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Jun 19, 2014 19:55 |  #6654

I overheard 2 guys in the bar the other day.

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their
mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and
I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (mid 50's), sitting a couple of stools
down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked
over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that crap!"


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Davenn
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Jun 20, 2014 04:33 |  #6655

never a truer word spoken, Jim ;)

Dave


A picture is worth 1000 words ;)
Canon 5D3, 6D, 700D, a bunch of lenses and other bits, ohhh and some Pentax stuff ;)

  
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20droger
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Jun 20, 2014 09:10 as a reply to  @ Davenn's post |  #6656

All day, all night, Mary Ann!
Who the hell do you think I am? Superman?




  
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Jill-of-all-Trades
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Jun 20, 2014 23:27 |  #6657

Mary had a little lamb
You've heard this oft before -
And then she passed her plate again
And had a little more.


Melody

  
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JanetS
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Jun 21, 2014 01:10 |  #6658

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
Amosquito bit me.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Andy
Andy who?
Andy (and he) bit me again.


Essentially what photography is is life lit up.
- Sam Abell
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PhotosGuy
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Jun 21, 2014 09:45 |  #6659

A Jewish woman gives her son two shirts for Hanukkah. The next day he visits her wearing one of them, & she says, "What, you didn't like the other one?"


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Jun 21, 2014 17:49 |  #6660

Jill-of-all-Trades wrote in post #16984692 (external link)
Mary had a little lamb
You've heard this oft before -
And then she passed her plate again
And had a little more.

The one my Dad used to tell us kids when we were small went like this:

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as soot
And into Mary's bread and jam
His sooty foot 'e put.

It made us hoot, but then we were very small...


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