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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
neilwood32
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Oct 17, 2014 07:31 |  #6886

BearLeeAlive wrote in post #17215023 (external link)
Newfie men can be wise individuals who make a lot of sense.

Jarge (George) texts his wife:

“Just avin' one more pint wit da boy's.
If I ain't back in 20 minutes, read this again!"

Going to have to remember this one!!!:lol:


Having a camera makes you no more a photographer than having a hammer and some nails makes you a carpenter - Claude Adams
Keep calm and carry a camera!
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20droger
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Oct 18, 2014 15:52 as a reply to  @ neilwood32's post |  #6887

Have you ever wondered why your bank puts Braille markings on its drive-up ATM?




  
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JasonMK
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Oct 20, 2014 05:51 |  #6888

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.


-JasonMK on Flickr (external link)
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Davenn
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Oct 23, 2014 16:33 |  #6889

good list Jason

I can relate to a good few of those ;)

Dave


A picture is worth 1000 words ;)
Canon 5D3, 6D, 700D, a bunch of lenses and other bits, ohhh and some Pentax stuff ;)

  
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Hammy74
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Oct 29, 2014 13:04 |  #6890

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a condition!

"Help me, dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm in rough shape over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through.”


Steve

  
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JasonMK
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Oct 30, 2014 06:01 |  #6891

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there and it is His problem now."


-JasonMK on Flickr (external link)
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cdiver2
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Oct 30, 2014 11:44 |  #6892

Proofreading is a dying art

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No,do you really think so?
---------------


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


---------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
---------------


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
---------------


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
---------------


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
---------------


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
---------------


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
---------------


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
---------------


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
---------------


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
---------------


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
--------------- ---------------


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
***************


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
***************


And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Did I read that right?
***************




  
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Perfectly ­ Frank
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Oct 31, 2014 22:10 as a reply to  @ cdiver2's post |  #6893

Halloween joke...

Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?

A: So they can get a better grip on the broom stick.


When you see my camera gear you'll think I'm a pro.
When you see my photos you'll know that I'm not.

  
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JasonMK
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Nov 03, 2014 08:07 |  #6894

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"


-JasonMK on Flickr (external link)
1Ds Mark III | 650D | EF 17~40mm 4L | EF-S 18~135 STM | EF 50mm 1.4 | EF 100mm 2.8 USM Macro | Tamron 70~300mm 4.0-5.6 Di VC USD XLD | 430 EX III | 430 EX II | Lowepro SlingShot 100 AW | EF 25 II | PS CC | LR CC

  
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lehmanncpa
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Nov 03, 2014 08:39 |  #6895

Perfectly Frank wrote in post #17244865 (external link)
Halloween joke...

Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?

A: So they can get a better grip on the broom stick.

Ouch. Splinters.


Alex
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joeblack2022
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Nov 14, 2014 10:41 |  #6896

Saw this one today:

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer — do you have a locker room in the police station — a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.


Joel

  
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20droger
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Nov 14, 2014 12:41 as a reply to  @ joeblack2022's post |  #6897

Along the same line, why is it that police departments, open 24 hours a day every day, have locks on their front doors?




  
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Ballen ­ Photo
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Nov 14, 2014 15:58 |  #6898

20droger wrote in post #17271913 (external link)
Along the same line, why is it that police departments, open 24 hours a day every day, have locks on their front doors?

Just in case they get fired. :shock:
http://www.wrdw.com …-24-hours--267605381.html (external link)


The Captain and crew finally got their stuff together, now if we can only remember where we left it. :cool:

  
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20droger
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Nov 14, 2014 18:35 |  #6899

20droger wrote in post #17271913 (external link)
Along the same line, why is it that police departments, open 24 hours a day every day, have locks on their front doors?

Ballen Photo wrote in post #17272262 (external link)
Just in case they get fired. :shock:
http://www.wrdw.com …-24-hours--267605381.html (external link)

Did anybody know where the key to the door was?




  
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Ballen ­ Photo
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Nov 14, 2014 22:11 |  #6900

20droger wrote in post #17272493 (external link)
Did anybody know where the key to the door was?

Probably in the evidence vault.


The Captain and crew finally got their stuff together, now if we can only remember where we left it. :cool:

  
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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