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Thread started 20 Dec 2015 (Sunday) 20:22
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No support from my spouse for photography - vent

 
ncjohn
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Dec 21, 2015 12:29 |  #16

texkam wrote in post #17826609 (external link)
^This. I would recommend speaking with a professional. Deeper stuff going on here.

Absolutely.




  
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TustinMike
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Dec 21, 2015 13:08 |  #17

Yes, indeed. Seems deeper than just a general disrespect for photography. Although my wife and I have very different interests in some things, we try to respect these differences.


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joedlh
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Dec 21, 2015 13:15 |  #18

We're only hearing your side of it. But I get the feeling that your interest in photography isn't the underlying issue. Routine belittling of a spouse and her interests is a red flag for an abusive personality. In situations of this type, both parties have a hand in it. The aggrieved party contributes by tolerating it. The wisest course of action is for you to seek couples counseling. If he refuses, then go alone. You need to come to terms with why you're tolerating this behavior.


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neilwood32
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Dec 22, 2015 05:53 |  #19

joedlh wrote in post #17827233 (external link)
We're only hearing your side of it. But I get the feeling that your interest in photography isn't the underlying issue. Routine belittling of a spouse and her interests is a red flag for an abusive personality. In situations of this type, both parties have a hand in it. The aggrieved party contributes by tolerating it. The wisest course of action is for you to seek couples counseling. If he refuses, then go alone. You need to come to terms with why you're tolerating this behavior.

Agreed.

Unfortunately I have to agree with those people suggesting that this is not photography related - from the comments the OP has said he has made, he appears to routinely belittle her and her hobby.

That is not a good thing and can be considered spousal abuse.


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Left ­ Handed ­ Brisket
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Dec 22, 2015 06:56 |  #20

Almost sent this in a PM, but then decided "eff it".

My wife has the same piss poor attitude. On multiple occasions she has said she wanted to smash my camera to pieces and then in the same sentence asked why she didn't have any pictures of the boys. Ignoring of course the pictures all over the house and Facebook. She has scoffed at work that I've done as a graphic artist, and laughed when I told her I thought I had tinnitus. I thought that she might eventually see that she was also not really supporting our young kids and that this revelation might transfer to me, but she hasn't. In fact when I asked her to show some attention to the boys when she came in from work she told me that just isn't who she is.

It took me a long time to realize how toxic it is to live with such negativity. I had originally thought she would work it out and get back to the person I thought I married, but that isn't going to happen. We are splitting up. She wanted to be moving out this week, not even caring about how doing so during Xmas would effect our 7 year old twins. I had to talk to her three times about it before she conceded to a later date.

Some people just don't get what it means to lend support to another human being.

Hope your situation is not so dire and things can be worked out. Honestly, the first thing I thought is maybe one of his work buddies has a wife who went down the same "momtographer" path and that has made him jaded just on this one particular topic. But if not, be careful. I never really understood what a toxic, but otherwise stable, relationship looked like until I was in one. It can really get in your head, even if you think it can't.


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BlakeC
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Dec 22, 2015 07:32 |  #21

Left Handed Brisket wrote in post #17828153 (external link)
Almost sent this in a PM, but then decided "eff it".

My wife has the same piss poor attitude. On multiple occasions she has said she wanted to smash my camera to pieces and then in the same sentence asked why she didn't have any pictures of the boys. Ignoring of course the pictures all over the house and Facebook. She has scoffed at work that I've done as a graphic artist, and laughed when I told her I thought I had tinnitus. I thought that she might eventually see that she was also not really supporting our young kids and that this revelation might transfer to me, but she hasn't. In fact when I asked her to show some attention to the boys when she came in from work she told me that just isn't who she is.

It took me a long time to realize how toxic it is to live with such negativity. I had originally thought she would work it out and get back to the person I thought I married, but that isn't going to happen. We are splitting up. She wanted to be moving out this week, not even caring about how doing so during Xmas would effect our 7 year old twins. I had to talk to her three times about it before she conceded to a later date.

Some people just don't get what it means to lend support to another human being.

Hope your situation is not so dire and things can be worked out. Honestly, the first thing I thought is maybe one of his work buddies has a wife who went down the same "momtographer" path and that has made him jaded just on this one particular topic. But if not, be careful. I never really understood what a toxic, but otherwise stable, relationship looked like until I was in one. It can really get in your head, even if you think it can't.

I only "liked" it bc I couldn't "dislike" it.

That sucks but it sounds like it is for the best. You will both be happier for it.

As for the OP. I agree with everyone else. However, I suspect you knew what everyone would say otherwise you would have left certain things out. I don't think you are telling us this just to vent though. I think you are looking for us to confirm or deny what you already know you have to do. It's obvious there are other issues. I have seen men (and women) treat their spouses this way and it never ends well. I apologize if I read it wrong. That's just how it comes across to me.

1- Seek professional help if you can convince him to cooperate
2- Leave and give both of you a chance to find happiness
3- Stay and continue this abusive relationship

Either way, he needs to be told that what he is doing is wrong and what effect it is having on you.

Keep on clicking!


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Nukehed
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Dec 22, 2015 07:32 |  #22

Left Handed Brisket wrote in post #17828153 (external link)
It took me a long time to realize how toxic it is to live with such negativity. I had originally thought she would work it out and get back to the person I thought I married, but that isn't going to happen. We are splitting up. She wanted to be moving out this week, not even caring about how doing so during Xmas would effect our 7 year old twins. I had to talk to her three times about it before she conceded to a later date.

Having been through two divorces and currently married for a third time, I've seen/done/experienced much. Your comment (in red above) struck me as I was the one who put up a false front and was not truthful in both marriages. So, I was the one who "changed". Look within yourself and ask if she bamboozled you or were you somewhat blind to her and hoping you could "fix" her.

Either way, sh**ty times. Chin up, it gets better on the other side. Ain't no one got time for toxic relationships


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Left ­ Handed ­ Brisket
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Dec 22, 2015 07:57 |  #23

Nukehed wrote in post #17828178 (external link)
Having been through two divorces and currently married for a third time, I've seen/done/experienced much. Your comment (in red above) struck me as I was the one who put up a false front and was not truthful in both marriages. So, I was the one who "changed". Look within yourself and ask if she bamboozled you or were you somewhat blind to her and hoping you could "fix" her.

Either way, sh**ty times. Chin up, it gets better on the other side. Ain't no one got time for toxic relationships

i'm not the one looking for advice (or venting) here. :D Besides, you are putting your experiences on me. I did my best to describe MY circumstances and made clear that what the OP is going through could be completely different.

everyone changes as they get older, but it has always been my supposition that we should try to get better, or at least maintain our weaknesses. I am very independent person and need little support, but I need more than zero, and I need people to believe in my efforts not brush them aside. Or worse, take an opposing position to virtually everything i stand for and create. The person I married at least gave the appearance of supporting my efforts, that is long gone now. In my situation there's not a single bit of bamboozling going on, it's just the way the cookie crumbles.


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LV ­ Moose
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Dec 22, 2015 08:15 |  #24

gonzogolf wrote in post #17826471 (external link)
It sounds as if your husband has more issues than ypur photographic endeavors. I read more than a hint of lack of respect for you as a partner and an equal in your words. Photography isnt the issue, respect is. If it werent photography he would be jealous amd resentful of something else.

Another +1 here.

My wife is very supportive of my hobby, and I really wish she had one of her own... whether photography or something else. People in a relationship need to keep their individuality in order to keep that relationship interesting. That includes doing your own thing at times and having your own interests and friends. My wife doesn't really understand my thinking here; she thinks we should be joined at the hip on our days off (even though, as I said, she supports my hobby), and she doesn't really have any friends that she goes out and does stuff with. When we both retire, I think we may have some issues.


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Dec 22, 2015 08:41 |  #25

LV Moose wrote in post #17828231 (external link)
My wife is very supportive of my hobby, and I really wish she had one of her own... whether photography or something else. People in a relationship need to keep their individuality in order to keep that relationship interesting. That includes doing your own thing at times and having your own interests and friends. My wife doesn't really understand my thinking here; she thinks we should be joined at the hip on our days off (even though, as I said, she supports my hobby), and she doesn't really have any friends that she goes out and does stuff with. When we both retire, I think we may have some issues.

Your wife sounds like my wife. She's very supportive of my hobby. I keep telling her she should find a hobby to destress after a day/week of work but claims she doesn't have the time to find one of her own. When I go to a photo meetup, she thinks that I don't want her to come along even though they all occur while she's working.


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Dec 22, 2015 08:44 |  #26

This is something I would not consider or expect to read about in a Photography forum.

After reading the previous posts it makes me realise even more so how lucky and fortunate I am to have a Wife who is so supportive, kind and thoughtful. She will help me when I need to raise money for a lens and encourages me to enjoy my hobby like I do with her hobbies.

It Saddens me to hear these stories and I truly so hope that you guys work things out so that you can enjoy your hobby without the pressures on you.


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LV ­ Moose
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Dec 22, 2015 08:59 |  #27

I think my wife my wife supports my photography habit because it keeps me out of trouble.

Now if I was using female models, things would be different, fo sho. :rolleyes:


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atsilverstein
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Dec 22, 2015 09:11 |  #28

I was debating on following up with more on here because I'm not purposely trying to look for attention. But I will for some clarification. These issues have been ongoing for a couple of years now, but were more obvious in the past. Now it's more subtle and so I hesitate to bring it up. I am seeing a therapist, however it doesn't seem like she is well versed in this type of relationship because she doesn't label that behavior as such, so it gets frustrating when she doesn't get why I can't just say anything I want because it always (or at least very often) comes back to me 10x worse. I was raised in what I now consider to be a religious cult, and so when I decided to walk away from it two years ago all hell broke loose. I am now very isolated, having lost communication from both my family and his, along with my former social community. I even can no longer post on the recovery forum for former cult members because DH's family monitors my activity there (or at least they have in the past). But it will end soon. I am tired of the mind games, living in fear, questioning myself, etc. I just don't understand how some people can be so cruel with their words. I think the photography threatens him because he sees that I could actually be fairly well financially independent (considering the area I live in), and he is loath to the idea that I might be good at something. And with that goes the loss of the only thing that is still keeping me here.

Thanks again for the support. After this, I won't be writing any more personal details out of respect for the venue, but feel free to PM me.


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BlakeC
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Dec 22, 2015 09:18 |  #29

atsilverstein wrote in post #17828301 (external link)
I was debating on following up with more on here because I'm not purposely trying to look for attention. But I will for some clarification. These issues have been ongoing for a couple of years now, but were more obvious in the past. Now it's more subtle and so I hesitate to bring it up. I am seeing a therapist, however it doesn't seem like she is well versed in this type of relationship because she doesn't label that behavior as such, so it gets frustrating when she doesn't get why I can't just say anything I want because it always (or at least very often) comes back to me 10x worse. I was raised in what I now consider to be a religious cult, and so when I decided to walk away from it two years ago all hell broke loose. I am now very isolated, having lost communication from both my family and his, along with my former social community. I even can no longer post on the recovery forum for former cult members because DH's family monitors my activity there (or at least they have in the past). But it will end soon. I am tired of the mind games, living in fear, questioning myself, etc. I just don't understand how some people can be so cruel with their words. I think the photography threatens him because he sees that I could actually be fairly well financially independent (considering the area I live in), and he is loath to the idea that I might be good at something. And with that goes the loss of the only thing that is still keeping me here.

Thanks again for the support. After this, I won't be writing any more personal details out of respect for the venue, but feel free to PM me.

Remember, you're not alone. This forum is a family and we are all here to support each other.

Stay strong and do what makes you happy. May sound selfish, but you can't make anyone else happy if you aren't happy.


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texkam
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Dec 22, 2015 09:31 |  #30

I'd consider another therapist. Good for you for wanting to address this issue.

Forward.




  
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