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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favourite Joke? (TOTALLY unrelated to photography)

 
john ­ crossley
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Oct 27, 2017 01:15 |  #7516

What do you get when you cross a tabby cat with a lemon tree?
A sour puss.


Some days I'm the dog, some days I'm the lamppost.

  
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Capn ­ Jack
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Oct 27, 2017 17:03 |  #7517

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.




  
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john ­ crossley
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Oct 28, 2017 02:56 |  #7518

A snare drum and a crash symbol fell out of a tree.
*BA-DUM TSSSHH*


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OhLook
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Oct 28, 2017 10:19 as a reply to  @ john crossley's post |  #7519

Symbol, cymbal, but who's counting?


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john ­ crossley
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Oct 29, 2017 03:17 |  #7520

What did Betula pendula say to her super-annoying sister?
Leaf me alone, birch!


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john ­ crossley
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Oct 30, 2017 02:45 |  #7521

Did you know that I can cut down a dead tree just by looking at it?
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes!


Some days I'm the dog, some days I'm the lamppost.

  
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Pippan
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Oct 30, 2017 02:50 as a reply to  @ john crossley's post |  #7522

You're a refugee from the Christmas cracker writing factory aren't you John. :)


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GibJock
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Oct 30, 2017 10:15 |  #7523

Pippan wrote in post #18484443 (external link)
You're a refugee from the Christmas cracker writing factory aren't you John. :)

I don't think he is, Christmas Cracker jokes are sometime funny.

Sorry John  :p :p :p :p


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Capn ­ Jack
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Oct 30, 2017 16:49 |  #7524

Another one for USA readers...

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."




  
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john ­ crossley
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Oct 31, 2017 02:46 |  #7525

How do you properly identify a dogwood tree?
By the bark!


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teekay
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Oct 31, 2017 11:03 |  #7526

john crossley wrote in post #18485221 (external link)
How do you properly identify a dogwood tree?
By the bark!

These jokes seem to be reaching rock bottom now. Aren't they supposed to be your FAVOURITE jokes, not just copied out of some kid's comic book or swept up after the crackers are pulled?




  
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icopus
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Oct 31, 2017 11:11 |  #7527

In an effort to get things back on track, I will offer this even though it's not a joke per se. But maybe it will spawn something joke wise....

This Experiment With Monkeys And A Ladder Will Teach You An Important Life Lesson

A group of scientists placed five monkeys in a cage and in the middle, a ladder with bananas on top.

Every time a monkey went up the ladder, the scientists soaked the rest of the monkeys with cold water.

After a while, every time a monkey went up the ladder, the other ones beat up the one on the ladder.

After some time, no monkey dared to go up the ladder regardless of temptation.

Scientists then decided to substitute one of the monkeys. The first thing the new monkey did was go up the ladder. Immediately the other monkeys beat him up. After several beatings, the new monkey learned not to climb the ladder even though never knowing why.

A second monkey was substituted and the same result occurred. The first monkey participated in the beating of the second monkey. A third monkey was substituted and the same was repeated. The fourth was the same and finally the fifth monkey was replaced.

What was left was a group of five monkeys that even though they never received a cold shower, continued to beat up any monkey who attempted to climb the ladder.

If it was possible to ask the monkeys why they would beat up all those who attempted to go up the ladder, I bet their answer would be:

"I don't know. That's just how things are done around here."

CONCLUSION:

Don't follow others behavior. Think before you follow.


It's my life and I'll get pissed if I want to.
"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." - E.R. Murrow

  
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PhotosGuy
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Oct 31, 2017 11:41 |  #7528

Roy Mathers wrote in post #18485472 (external link)
This is a joke?

Humor depends on which side of the joke you are? My first thought was to send it to a member of the opposing political party with the suggestion that he FW to all his friends, but I suppose they wouldn't consider that funny even though I do.


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AZGeorge
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Oct 31, 2017 13:28 |  #7529

teekay wrote in post #18485447 (external link)
These jokes seem to be reaching rock bottom now. Aren't they supposed to be your FAVOURITE jokes, not just copied out of some kid's comic book or swept up after the crackers are pulled?

One's favorite joke may change from minute to minute.

Here are a few performance review examples of reaching rock bottom that may be a favorite for a few seconds. They are copied from Harry Leichter who may have found a few in comics or crackers.

1. "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
12. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
13. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
14. "A room temperature IQ."
15. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all altogether."
16. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
17. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
18. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
19. "Bright as Alaska in December."
20. "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Fell out of the family tree."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "He's so dense, light bends around him."
26. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
31. "One neuron short of a synapse."
32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
33. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
34. "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
35. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."


George
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OhLook
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Oct 31, 2017 15:27 |  #7530

PhotosGuy wrote in post #18485479 (external link)
Humor depends on which side of the joke you are? My first thought was to send it to a member of the opposing political party . . .

I missed it. It wasn't a video, by any chance, was it, featuring people in dark clothing?


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