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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
rrblint
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Nov 23, 2017 21:08 |  #7651

IMAGE: https://media.giphy.com/media/TL2Yr3ioe78tO/giphy.gif

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scriveyn
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Nov 24, 2017 06:07 |  #7652

On a recent flight from Chicago to Houston, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then a Texan stands up at the rear of the plane.

He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, toward the young woman, unbuttoning his shirt......... one button at time.

No one moves.......

he removes his shirt......

muscles ripple across his chest..............

She gasps............

He drawls:

"Iron this, then get me something to eat."


Frank, also known as jazzman
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scriveyn
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Nov 26, 2017 08:32 |  #7653

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over 50 years ago? We went behind this tavern, then you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says "I remember it well"

OK he says, how about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it again for old time's sake?

Ooooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks "I've got to see this - two old timers having sex against a fence!"

So, he follows them - they walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get around back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skits, takes her panties down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen year olds. This goes on for about ten long minutes. She is yelling "Ohhhhh, God! and he is hanging onto her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting onto the ground.

The policeman is amazed. After a while of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back in order. The policeman thinks, "I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass by he says to them "That was something else. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

No, there is no secret the old man says except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified!!!!


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Hoof ­ Arted
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Nov 27, 2017 08:43 |  #7654

During a thunderstorm a drunk leaves a bar and takes a shortcut home through the cemetery, where he slips and falls into an open, empty grave. He tries to climb out but keeps slipping in the mud. Exhausted, he decided to simply sit and wait until someone walks by and he can yell for help. About an hour later, another guy happens to be cutting through the cemetery and falls into the same open grave. As the drunk silently watches, the second guy tries to climb out but keeps slipping back in the mud. Finally, the drunk taps him on the shoulder and says "Forget it. You'll never get out of here."

He did.




  
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scriveyn
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Dec 03, 2017 06:11 |  #7655

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still
need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon
paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."


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scriveyn
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Dec 04, 2017 09:46 |  #7656

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"What do you want?"

"I'm callin' about my neighbour, Billy Bob Pavon. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but cannot find any marijuana.

They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"


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scriveyn
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Dec 09, 2017 13:18 |  #7657

George W. Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. The waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what will you have, Mr. President?"

Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." and with that she departs in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'".


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icopus
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Post edited over 2 years ago by icopus. (2 edits in all)
     
Dec 11, 2017 21:12 |  #7658

Ok, it's not a joke, but if you've got time, it's a great read.
Those of you who have already had a colonoscopy, it's educational, fairly accurate, and funny.
For those of you who haven't had a colonoscopy yet, it's educational, fairly accurate, and funny.
(NOW you can say you've seen it all on the POTN site)
Dave Barry: A journey into my colon — and yours (external link)


It's my life and I'll get pissed if I want to.
"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." - E.R. Murrow

  
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icopus
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Dec 15, 2017 21:09 |  #7659

So, we're really all out of FUNNY jokes?!?


It's my life and I'll get pissed if I want to.
"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." - E.R. Murrow

  
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shocolite
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Dec 16, 2017 00:16 |  #7660

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were trekking in the deepest jungle when they got taken by a bunch of indigenous people. The three Paddy’s were asked last requests before they would be killed, skinned and turned into canoes.

Paddy Englishman asked for a pint of best bitter, this was supplied to which he drank long and hard before being turned into a canoe. Paddy Scotsman requested one last blow of the bag-pipes, request granted before he too was skinned and turned into a canoe.

They came to Paddy Irishman lastly, who asked for a fork. “A fork?” the chief replied. “Yes” says Paddy Irishman. Upon receiving the fork Paddy Irishman started stabbing himself with it. “You’re not turning me into a canoe” he shouts……


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Dec 16, 2017 10:08 |  #7661

Apologies if this has already been posted.

Geordie is in Dublin oni Business and takes a Taxi from the Airport to his Hotel in the City Center. As they come out of the Airport, the Taxi driver shoots through a red light.

“Driver, you could have killed us, you jumped that red light!” shouts Geordie.”Ah te be sure, my brother and me, we do that all the time” says the cabbie.

A mile down the road and the Taxi driver shoots over another red light. “Driver, that was another red light!” Screams Geordie.”Ah to be sure its nothing at all my brother and me, we do it all the time.”

They get to the next traffic light. Its green, the Taxi driver stops! ” Driver, its a green light ! Why the hell have you stopped ?” says Geordie.

“Ah to be sure, ” says the Taxi Driver, ” my Brother, he might be coming the other way ……..”


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Roy ­ Mathers
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Dec 16, 2017 10:14 |  #7662

shocolite wrote in post #18519020 (external link)
Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were trekking in the deepest jungle when they got taken by a bunch of indigenous people. The three Paddy’s were asked last requests before they would be killed, skinned and turned into canoes.

Paddy Englishman asked for a pint of best bitter, this was supplied to which he drank long and hard before being turned into a canoe. Paddy Scotsman requested one last blow of the bag-pipes, request granted before he too was skinned and turned into a canoe.

They came to Paddy Irishman lastly, who asked for a fork. “A fork?” the chief replied. “Yes” says Paddy Irishman. Upon receiving the fork Paddy Irishman started stabbing himself with it. “You’re not turning me into a canoe” he shouts……

What exactly are a Paddy Englishman and a Paddy Scotsman?




  
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scriveyn
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Dec 16, 2017 12:39 |  #7663

Roy Mathers wrote in post #18519203 (external link)
What exactly are a Paddy Englishman and a Paddy Scotsman?

Growing rice


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Dec 16, 2017 13:01 |  #7664

Roy Mathers wrote in post #18519203 (external link)
What exactly are a Paddy Englishman and a Paddy Scotsman?

Back somewhere in their ancestral lines someone meet an Irishman?

Immigrants?

Because the more Irish references the better the joke?

At least the joke wasn't insulting.

Q: What is black and blue and found floating upside down in the Irish sea?
A: The bloke who told the insulting Irish joke.


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shocolite
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Dec 16, 2017 15:20 as a reply to  @ Roy Mathers's post |  #7665

Perhaps next time I shall start with "Tom, Dick and Harry"?:-)


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