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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
Hoof ­ Arted
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Jun 13, 2018 18:01 |  #7771

I had a job at Disney World but got fired because I kept asking "What kinda Mickey Mouse operation is this?"




  
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Nordwil57
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Jun 15, 2018 08:12 |  #7772

Saw this on a friends Facebook page after he returned from a Yellowstone photo shoot:

Two renowned scientists, one Russian, one Czech that had devoted their research to studying grizzly bears were granted the opportunity to study the bears of Yellowstone National Park.

Upon arriving at Yellowstone they checked into the ranger station and were told it was too dangerous to travel into bear country because it was their mating season. The scientists pleaded that this was their only chance and finally the ranger relented. He then equipped them with a GPS satellite phone and requested that they check in daily and off they went. The first several days went according to plan, and then nothing.

Concern mounted and two rangers, Bob and Joe, were dispatched to determine their whereabouts. Several hours into their search they found the scientists ravaged campsite and determined by the evidence that two bears, likely a mating couple, had been involved.

They followed the trail away from the campsite and came across the female. Fearing an international incident they had no choice but to kill the animal to determine its stomach contents. And upon doing so their worst fears were realized when they found the remains of the Russian. “You know what this means,” said Joe. ”

“Yep,” said Bob, “the Czech’s in the male.”


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leeport
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Jun 16, 2018 09:09 |  #7773

A guy is desperate to skydive but tells the instructor he doesn’t want to waste time taking classes.

The instructor thinks and says well it is rather simple. Jump, count 10 pull this cord, if no air catches, pull the reserve cord.

Guy goes up to altitude and jumps out.
Counts 10 and pulls the cord. Nothing happens. Guy starts to panic, remembering the reserve cord, he calms down and pulls it. Nothing happens.

Now he’s in complete panic trying to figure out what to do and falling fast!

Just then a man passes him going the opposite direction.

The guy with the failing parachute yells up at him. “Hey!! Do you know anything about parachutes?” The man yells down at the falling guy “No, and I dont know much about propane stoves”.




  
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philodelphi
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Jun 16, 2018 09:56 as a reply to  @ leeport's post |  #7774

I don't get it.


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OhLook
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Jun 16, 2018 10:26 |  #7775

philodelphi wrote in post #18646244 (external link)
I don't get it.

The second man is rising because he made a mistake in using a propane stove and caused an explosion, which sent him upward.


PRONOUN ADVISORY: OhLook is a she. | A FEW CORRECT SPELLINGS: lens, aperture, amateur, hobbyist, per se, raccoon, whoa, more so (2 wds.), shoo-in | Comments welcome

  
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philodelphi
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Jun 17, 2018 20:13 as a reply to  @ OhLook's post |  #7776

Thank you. This requires too much suspension of disbelief for my poor aging mind.


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chadmcm
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Jun 17, 2018 21:32 as a reply to  @ leeport's post |  #7777

I thought that joke was supposed to read "Coleman stoves" at the end? Classic!


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itsallart
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Jun 17, 2018 21:59 |  #7778

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

She replied, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."


Renata
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Jun 19, 2018 16:41 |  #7779

Jusht got back from the dentisht and shurvivfed wifout any notishable shide effeshts.




  
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joeseph
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Jun 20, 2018 03:41 |  #7780

Hoof Arted wrote in post #18648035 (external link)
Jusht got back from the dentisht and shurvivfed wifout any notishable shide effeshts.

your wallet looks lighter - have you had an extraction?


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TF posting: here :-)

  
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scriveyn
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Jun 20, 2018 13:56 |  #7781

A couple from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary (quoted from memory):

Architect - someone who drafts a plan of your house and plans a draft of your money.

Dentist - a prestidigitator who puts gold in your mouth and pulls money from your wallet.


Frank, also known as jazzman
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Jun 24, 2018 04:31 |  #7782

The doc says he's worried about my blood pressure and I told him to stop making me sit in the waiting room two hours past my appointment.




  
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PhotosGuy
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Jun 24, 2018 08:08 |  #7783

Hoof Arted wrote in post #18650338 (external link)
The doc says he's worried about my blood pressure and I told him to stop making me sit in the waiting room two hours past my appointment.

Mine too! And the effin' magazines in the waiting room are two years out of date.


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icopus
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Jun 24, 2018 10:52 |  #7784

PhotosGuy wrote in post #18650399 (external link)
Mine too! And the effin' magazines in the waiting room are two years out of date.

And there's nothing but People and Good Housekeeping. Umf!

One waiting room I was caged in had only magazines of used yacht ads. You can imagine how that made me feel!


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"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." - E.R. Murrow

  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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Jun 27, 2018 17:35 |  #7785

I hate when I read read as read and not read and then have to re-read read as read so I can read read in a context that makes sense.




  
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