Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Im confused
did a class in B&W enlargement.
Pulled this stunning perfect picture out of the Developer and then the teacher wanted me to fix it.

I was in a car crash over the weekend. It happened between Mr and Mrs Smith's house and Mr and Mrs Balls house. Luckily, I was dragged out by the Smiths.

Hoof Arted wrote in post #18767918
I was in a car crash over the weekend. It happened between Mr and Mrs Smith's house and Mr and Mrs Balls house. Luckily, I was dragged out by the Smiths.

That Mrs. Balls makes some good Chutney though.

All my jokes could never, ever say be said here, being a former US Marine and all that...............

Chief_10Beers wrote in post #18768252
All my jokes could never, ever say be said here, being a former US Marine and all that...............

I would not be offended if you were to PM a couple. I'd appreciate. I don't believe I've heard any that have been told in the military.

icopus wrote in post #18768364
I would not be offended if you were to PM a couple. I'd appreciate. I don't believe I've heard any that have been told in the military.

Stand by...............

Snow Days....


https://images.google.​com …ifPs&ust=154467​0881117939

103%
Mathematics

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has indisputable mathematical logic...
This is a strictly... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-*-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a*s kissing will take you.
A-*-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+1​4+7 = 118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
It's the BullS*t and A*s Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why Politicians and Corporations are where they are!
I've never seen a better explanation than this formula.

Singing in Church...


A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex!" The congregation fell in total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

People say that 'icy' is the easiest word to spell. I see why.

My teachers told me I'd never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much. I said to them, "Well we'll just have to wait and see!"

Neil Diamond has released a new Christmas song. I don't remember the lyrics, but I do remember it has a sweet carol line.

Whoever got the Christmas present from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I'd like to have those back. Thanks.

When my wife found out I replaced the bed with a trampoline, she hit the roof.

Being over 60 means you can never totally, completely trust a fart.