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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
Jonzjob
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May 15, 2019 02:32 |  #8461

I think that I will 'try' to bring a little finess into this thread with some lovely Spring poetry. I'm not too sure that a crowd like you lot will totallt appreciate it though?

What fragrant zephyr,
Ripples warm,
o'er lesfy bower,
Like gentle balm,
to sumptious meadow,
Fresh with dew
and flowered hedgerow's
wonderous hew,
Through waving grass,
Where insects dart,
\It's methame gas,
A moocow's fart.

Spring is such a lovely time.


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
John.

  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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May 17, 2019 18:43 |  #8462

Two guys were arguing and one drew a line in the dirt with his toe and said "If you cross this line I'll hit you in the mouth!" (That's the punch line.)




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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May 17, 2019 18:43 |  #8463

For my birthday I got a vehicle that runs on water. Or, as my wife insists on calling it, a kayak.




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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May 17, 2019 18:44 |  #8464

Today's Quote: "Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day." - US President Harry S Truman




  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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May 17, 2019 18:55 |  #8465

If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Indoor Bathroom Privileges but before the Misuse Of The Red Laser Dot provision and the No Belly Rubs Ever Amendment, you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: 'The boss of you.' - my cat




  
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pbigelow
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May 20, 2019 05:22 |  #8466

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

"Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,

"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

"Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...

Now give me back my dog."




  
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icopus
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May 20, 2019 17:19 |  #8467

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

"Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."


It's my life and I'll get pissed if I want to.
"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." - E.R. Murrow

  
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Hoof ­ Arted
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May 21, 2019 05:09 |  #8468

Is ke$ha known as k€sha in Europe?




  
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NixEre
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May 21, 2019 06:21 as a reply to  @ Hoof Arted's post |  #8469

Who is this K£sha ?


___
Nic
One day I'll take the photo I thought I had taken ...

  
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Jonzjob
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May 21, 2019 06:24 |  #8470

Hoof Arted wrote in post #18864836 (external link)
Is ke$ha known as k€sha in Europe?

Is she known in Europe -?-?:-P


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
John.

  
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pbigelow
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May 21, 2019 06:34 |  #8471

How'd the farmer find his wife?



He tractor down!




  
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simon_chowles
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May 21, 2019 08:36 |  #8472

Hilarious! made my day! the photographer and the pilot one LOL! :-P


Simon Chowles
The Photography Co - Dubai (external link)

  
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Pippan
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May 22, 2019 17:01 |  #8473

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked her what is wrong. As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"


— Please feel free to offer your thoughts on how I might improve my images —

  
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avondale87
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May 22, 2019 21:42 |  #8474

Pippan wrote in post #18865752 (external link)
An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked her what is wrong. As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"

Oops :-P
Priceless



Richard

  
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drifter106
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May 26, 2019 00:47 |  #8475

Once Upon a Time in a small Forest....
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake.One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit."Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny.""Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management.


Gear
Remember, what is common knowledge to some is a revelation to others.

  
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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