Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

clean one

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NixEre wrote in post #18925512
.... The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”


Nothing like a good Knock Knock joke ...

I agree with that, it's nothing like a good joke

My buddy is in trouble with his wife (again). They took their first trip to a marriage counselor and the counselor asked how many times a week they had sex. My buddy's answer was different than hers.

"Please," he whispered, "don't tell my wife I made bacon in the toaster."
Wife, getting out of the car, "What happened?"
All ten firemen "He made bacon in the toaster."

11:36 AM - Arrived at crime scene
11:36 AM - Noted entry through broken window
11:36 AM - Found shoe tracks in mud outside window
11:36 AM - Made plaster casts of prints
11:36 AM - Realized watch had stopped

We recently taught our dog how to beg. Yesterday he came home with $4.37.

Back deep in the wooded hollers of a Missouri cabin, Jeb's wife was going into labor. Jeb had sent for the country Doctor to perform the delivery and the Doctor pulled his carriage up to the cabin just in time.

Taking his place, the Doctor calmly coached young Melony as she proceeded to deliver.

"Okay", the Doctor exclaimed, "the baby's crowning. Jeb, get that lantern over here so's I can see.

Jeb inched closer, extending the lantern.

After a bit of Melony's groaning and crying the baby started emerging.

"Why you got a baby boy", the country Doc announced.

Moments later, another head started crowning. "Wait! There's another one" the country Doctor exclaimed!

"Jeb, get that lantern closer so's I can see."

A few minutes later, the Doc announced, "Well, I'll be - here's a little girl now", as he cut the umbilical.

"Jeb! Bring that light closer now"

Jeb, deeply concerned about what all was going on looked around, then asked the Doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

Man: How am I looking doc?

Doctor: You are in grave danger, Mercury is in Uranus.

Man: I don't buy in to that astrology nonsense!

Doctor: Neither do I. My thermometer broke.

When our first child was born I held him in my arms and wept because of the emotions I was feeling. After a few minutes he scrunched his little eyes and started crying. Confused, I looked towards my wife. She smiled and quietly said "I think he's hungry." At that moment I realized I was on the brink of fulfilling my true calling in life. I looked directly into my son's eyes and said the most important words I had ever uttered up to that point: "Hello, hungry. I'm dad."

Do something right and nobody remembers. Make one little mistake and the pharmacist starts writing "take orally" on all my prescription bottles.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, and got distracted on my way back. I have no idea what's going on and now I have to pee.

My buddy stopped by the house and was all beat up. When I asked what happened he said he was having sex with his lovely neighbor when they heard the front door open. She said "Oh my God it's my husband! Quick! Hit the back door!"

"Looking back," he said, "I know I really should have run but you don't get an offer like that every day."

The sign of a good meteorologist?

That is a bloke who can look into a girls eyes and tell whether

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."

I watched a TV show called Gotham and noticed a little tag down at the corner of the screen that said "#GOTHAM." I kept thinking "No, I don't got any ham" but then started wanting some ham. We didn't have any ham so I ended up frying some bacon. I didn't get to watch the end of the show but I think it's pretty clever of pork producers to sponsor it.