Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

NixEre wrote in post #19038843
okay okay

Two deaf brothers from the same household . . .

There's no reason three men couldn't come from the same household. Brothers, roommates, whatever.

They took away smoking in bars.

Now you can't even drink in one.

(They are shut down in the US)

HUSBAND AND WIFE'S DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Tractor wouldn't start, can't figure out why

I can understand his attitude. After all there are priorities

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

The wife subsequently delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch

A man went to the doctor feeling miserable, displaying Covid-19 symptoms after blatantly breaking the lock-down and denying there was a risk. After testing the doctor called him and told him he had the disease. Defiantly he demanded a second opinion.

"Certainly" said the doctor, "not only are you sick with the virus, but in my opinion you're ignorant and arrogant as well".

Tronhard wrote in post #19041264
A man went to the doctor feeling miserable, displaying Covid-19 symptoms after blatantly breaking the lock-down and denying there was a risk. After testing the doctor called him and told him he had the disease. Defiantly he demanded a second opinion.

"Certainly" said the doctor, "not only are you sick with the virus, but in my opinion you're ignorant and arrogant as well".

Raymond Gary Coombs... not laughing so much today it seems.

We all have Schrödinger's virus now.

Because those of us without symptoms are not being tested, we don't know whether we have the virus or not.

We have to act as if we have the virus so we don't spread it to others.

We have to act as if we have never had the virus because if we haven't had it, we are not immune.

Therefore, we both have and don't have the virus, simultaneously. Thus Schrödinger's Virus.

A friend said that going to the supermarket where he lived was a matter of hoping to find stock on the shelves of the things she needed. It reminded her of life during the dark days of the Soviet Union. This triggered a synapse of a Russian joke about those days...

A man moves into a new apartment block and finds that there are major electrical and plumbing issues. He calls the management number and is put through to someone about his electrical issues, and then, after a long wait is transferred to plumbing authority. He explains his issues, emphasizing the urgent nature of the faults. The operator advises that due to heavy demand the plumber will not get there for two years two months and gives him the precise date.
He asks,"will that be the morning or the afternoon?"
The operator "What does it matter, it's two years away?"
Caller " Well, I have the electrician coming in the morning."

That made me giggle then and it has just repeated on me and I like to giggle

Alternate meanings.

Pubescent - an intimate deodorant

Punish - similar to a pun

Reincarnation - born again as a tin of condensed milk

Infrequently - 5 times a night

Indefinitely - can't really think of one for that?

Onomatopoeia - first sign of a weak bladder

Mishmash - unable to attend church owing to drunkenness

Crème brûlée - the crematorium's on fire

Defective - a policeman with a speech impediment

Lockjaw - the approved medical procedure for disabling Donald Trump

Jonzjob wrote in post #19042645
Indefinitely - can't really think of one for that?

At home for sure. Example: many people's current situation.

Unsuccessful plays from which re-jigged spin-offs became famous, box-office cinema hits:

The horror story of ancient pigs, reconstituted through flawed DNA. The huge voracious animals then run amok in their theme park, killing innocent (and not so innocent) people and threatening to break out to create mass mayhem. The world is saved by a bunch of disparate visitors including a specialist in tidiness, a pig breeder and a vacationing team from the British SAS: Jurassic Pork

The story starts off as a bullied tiddler fish struggles to find its way until it meets a wise old fish, which imparts its discipline and knowledge to it. The tiddler grows in strength, skill and maturity under the old fish's tutelage. It leads to a show-down with the bully fish, and in an epic struggle our hero finds that a special tail flick wins the day.: The Karate Cod.

The story of a highly successful Italian referee in major league boxing. He gets to manage the top matches for Italy, then Europe, and finally the big leagues of world boxing. Russian Mafia see a weakness in his character - he has always been attracted to a pretty girl. So they plot for him to be seduced and blackmailed via a honey-trap to change the result of a world title fight. With incriminating videos of his wild sexual exploits that threaten his reputation and relationship with the love of his life, he agrees to fix a major championship bout to make the underdog (supported by the Mafia) win. While richly rewarded, he loses the love of the woman he adores when she discovers both his infidelity and his lack of integrity. With his life in tatters he threatens to blow the story, but the Mafia send a hit man and he is beaten to death.: The Rise and Fall of the Roman Umpire

The story of an Irish entrepreneur Mac, who starts working at a highly successful company offering personal transport as a service: Scoot Land. He helps the owner eliminate or buy out competitors until Scoot Land is the dominant business. Extremely superstitious, he goes to a fortune teller who tells him he will rise to greatness and take over the business. This is great news for his ambitious, scheming wife Beth, who persuades him to undermine and topple his boss in a traumatic take-over that leads to his employer's death. Their unbridled ambition leads them to more crime and many more causalities. It all comes unstuck when this comes to the attention of the government business corruption agency investigating malpractice in commerce: MalComm which investigate his operation and do a major audit of the new company, leading to the pair's ruin. In mad despair he dies in a gunfight with the police and his wife commits suicide. "Mac & Beth

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier.
Because of hectic travel plans it was difficult to coordinate their travel arrangements. So the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on the Thursday, with his wife due to fly down the following day. When the husband checked into the hotel he discovered a computer in his suite, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing the error , sent the email.

Meanwhile somewhere in Chicago, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting to find messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. Her son, rushing into the room, found her on the floor and saw the computer screen, which read:

"To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me so quickly. I just arrived and have been checked in. They have computers here now so of course I wanted to contact you right away! Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow and I can't wait to greet you! I hope your journey is as easy as mine was.

By the way, prepare yourself. It's really hot down here!"