Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Which one

My therapist told me I have trouble verbalising my emotions. I can't say I'm surprised.

Jonzjob wrote in post #19065355
Which one

Diode -

Jonzjob wrote in post #19065015
Just a couple more alternative meanings?

Diode. - a Welsh poem

Don Juan. - the present US president has been re-elected

Transmission. - sex change

I thought that was something religious like a new order of nunks in Thailand

...Dear Mom & Dad,

I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs
are all gone.
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what you’re doing. For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well in the meadow.
...
This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it doesn't move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges – they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload. Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either; it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dallas - he's 6 foot 8 and 320 pounds, so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Maria.

I tried taking some high resolution photos of a local farmland... they all turned out a bit grainy.

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

For years a border patrol agent, who was working the afternoon and evening shift on the US/Mexican border would see a Mexican citizen return to his home after working in the US for the day. He became suspicious and finally convinced that the fellow was carrying contraband, but each time he searched the man and his bicycle he found nothing. His managers commented that there was little ability for him to conceal anything.

Eventually the guard retired and went on vacation to Mexico. There he encountered the man he had so often searched. He invited the man to share a drink with him, and during their discussion they realized they were both retired. Desperate to answer his nagging suspicion he asked the man if he had indeed been bringing contraband from the USA. The man agreed that he had. "What were you smuggling?" he asked. "Bicycles" replied the Mexican.

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Jonzjob wrote in post #19066601
Family photo

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Say "Jabnah"!
; D

Jonzjob wrote in post #19066601
Family photo

Hosted photo: posted by Jonzjob in
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forum: The Lounge

I am not sure we would look that different now with all our Covid masks !

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
“I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
“No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
_______________

My first post in this thread... found this one in the dusty archives.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down, slaps fifty bucks on the counter and says to the bartender, "I want a beer and I want to make a bet."

Bartender gets him his beer. "Here's your beer... now what's the bet?"

Guy says, "I bet you that fifty bucks that I can bite my eyeball."

Bartender figures, hey no chance of losing and agrees.

Guy reaches up, whips out his glass eye and chomps on it. Bartender pays him $50, he finishes his beer and walks out.

Next week, same guy walks in, sits down, slaps a $50 on the counter and says, "I wanna beer and I want to make a bet."

Bartender gets him his beer, and asks what the bet is this week. Guy says, "I bet you that $50 I can bite my other eye."

Bartender figures there's no way the guy's got two glass eyes, so he takes the bet. Guy takes out his false teeth, reaches up and chomps on his other eye. Bartender pays him $50, he finishes his beer and walks out.

Another week goes by. Same guy comes back, with four friends this time. They sit at a table and order a round of drinks. The guy goes up to the bar and puts $100 on the counter.

"What's this?" asks the bartender. "Double or nothin' time?"

"That's right", says the guy. "I bet you that $100 I can stand here on your bar and piss clear across the room into a shot glass and not spill a drop."

"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "There's no way. You're on."

So the guy climbs on to the bar, aims across the room and starts going. He's makin' one hell of a mess, spraying all over the place, not getting any in the shot glass. The bartender's killing himself laughing at this one. Guy finishes, climbs down, and bartender says, "Hah, I knew you couldn't do it! Where's my $100?"

"Go ahead and laugh," says the guy. "Here's your hundred. But see those guys over there?" pointing to his friends. "I bet each of them $100 I could walk in here, piss all over the place, and not get thrown out!"

Archibald wrote in post #19067924
My first post in this thread... found this one in the dusty archives.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down, slaps fifty bucks on the counter and says to the bartender, "I want a beer and I want to make a bet."

Bartender gets him his beer. "Here's your beer... now what's the bet?"

Guy says, "I bet you that fifty bucks that I can bite my eyeball."

Bartender figures, hey no chance of losing and agrees.

Guy reaches up, whips out his glass eye and chomps on it. Bartender pays him $50, he finishes his beer and walks out.

Next week, same guy walks in, sits down, slaps a $50 on the counter and says, "I wanna beer and I want to make a bet."

Bartender gets him his beer, and asks what the bet is this week. Guy says, "I bet you that $50 I can bite my other eye."

Bartender figures there's no way the guy's got two glass eyes, so he takes the bet. Guy takes out his false teeth, reaches up and chomps on his other eye. Bartender pays him $50, he finishes his beer and walks out.

Another week goes by. Same guy comes back, with four friends this time. They sit at a table and order a round of drinks. The guy goes up to the bar and puts $100 on the counter.

"What's this?" asks the bartender. "Double or nothin' time?"

"That's right", says the guy. "I bet you that $100 I can stand here on your bar and piss clear across the room into a shot glass and not spill a drop."

"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "There's no way. You're on."

So the guy climbs on to the bar, aims across the room and starts going. He's makin' one hell of a mess, spraying all over the place, not getting any in the shot glass. The bartender's killing himself laughing at this one. Guy finishes, climbs down, and bartender says, "Hah, I knew you couldn't do it! Where's my $100?"

"Go ahead and laugh," says the guy. "Here's your hundred. But see those guys over there?" pointing to his friends. "I bet each of them $100 I could walk in here, piss all over the place, and not get thrown out!"

That really is taking the piss