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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
WorkingClassHero
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Sep 20, 2020 02:26 |  #9556

Two Robbers entered a bank in a small town.

One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you".

Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a ****. Please behave accordingly".

This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the youngest robber, who had a college degree, said to the oldest robber, who had barely finished elementary school: "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?" The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank".

This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen". "Wait, said the Accountant "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today's robbery".

This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber".

This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.


ALAN
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kiwichris
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Sep 20, 2020 03:05 |  #9557

WorkingClassHero wrote in post #19127377 (external link)
Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

... over and over and over again.


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Jonzjob
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Sep 20, 2020 08:15 |  #9558

AND, we pay them to do it :eek:


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
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icopus
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Sep 20, 2020 18:15 |  #9559

There was an old gal from El Paso
Who had such a beautiful ass-o.
It was not round and pink,
As you probably think,
But was gray, had long ears, and ate grass-o.


It's my life and I'll get pissed if I want to.
"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar." - E.R. Murrow

  
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GibJock
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Sep 22, 2020 12:13 |  #9560

icopus wrote in post #19127729 (external link)
There was an old gal from El Paso
Who had such a beautiful ass-o.
It was not round and pink,
As you probably think,
But was gray, had long ears, and ate grass-o.

I think you should go lie down in a dark room and only come out when you're cured! :oops:


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Jonzjob
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Sep 22, 2020 16:31 |  #9561

GibJock wrote in post #19128522 (external link)
I think you should go lie down in a dark room and only come out when you're cured! :oops:

??????? -?


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
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OhLook
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Sep 22, 2020 18:19 |  #9562

GibJock wrote in post #19128522 (external link)
I think you should go lie down in a dark room and only come out when you're cured! :oops:

I don't know about that, GibJ. Curing takes a long time for some hams.


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avondale87
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Sep 22, 2020 18:52 as a reply to  @ OhLook's post |  #9563

do they still use Saltpeter in curing? Could get a bit explosive.



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Capn ­ Jack
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Sep 22, 2020 20:14 |  #9564

avondale87 wrote in post #19128686 (external link)
do they still use Saltpeter in curing? Could get a bit explosive.

https://www.foodnetwor​k.com …orned-beef-recipe-1947363 (external link)




  
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Tronhard
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Sep 23, 2020 14:21 |  #9565

In a native community the chief had kept the remnants from many of his coming of age circumcisions. Having amassed a fair number over the years he took it to a local town and asked the leather maker to make him something with them. When he called to collect the work he was disappointed to see how small a pouch had been fashioned and said so. "Well", said the leather maker, "the trick is to stroke it gently for a few moments and then it turns into a suitcase!"


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Capn ­ Jack
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Post edited over 1 year ago by Capn Jack.
     
Sep 23, 2020 20:39 |  #9566

One day a trombonist made yet another early entrance. Enraged, the director threw his baton at the trombonist, striking him in the heart, killing him instantly.

The director was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be executed by the electric chair.

For his last meal, the director only requested a banana. He ate his banana and then was strapped in. The executioner pulled the switch and... nothing happened.

Well, it would be cruel and inhumane to pull the switch multiple times, so the band director was released.

After some time, the band director had a new gig and, sure enough, a mistake was made, he went off the deep end, threw his baton, killing yet another musician.

Once again, the director was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be executed by the electric chair.

And again, the director only requested a banana for his last meal. He ate his banana and was strapped in. The executioner pulled the switch and... again nothing happened. And so he was released.

A third time (you knew there had to be a third time), the band director gets yet another gig. Of course, a mistake was made, he goes off the deep end, throws his baton, killing yet another musician.

Once again, the director was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be executed by the electric chair.

And again, the director only requested a banana for his last meal. He ate his banana and was strapped in. The executioner pulled the switch and... nothing happened.

This time the executioner simply had to know, so he asked the band director "What is it about the banana that protects you from being electrocuted?"

The band director replied "Banana? nothing, I'm just a bad conductor"





That same bad, temperamental conductor was know to have a special dislike for percussionists. In one rehearsal, he screamed at the musician playing snare drum.. "You are terrible! I could hand two sticks to anyone in the orchestra and make them a snare drummer instantly! ".

The drummer muttered under his breath, " yeah, and I could take away one of those sticks and have a better conductor...."




  
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Jonzjob
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Sep 24, 2020 14:56 |  #9567

Oh dear Jack :-(

There used to be a law against jokes )?( like that. I think it was Ohms Law :rolleyes:

When I was in training as a Boy Entrant in the R.A.F. to become an aircraft eleky we were taught Ohms law and told to remember VIRGIN to help us remember the law.

V - volts

I - amps

R - resistance

When we asked how 'gin' came into it we were told that it would help overcome any resistance :love::love::love:

I have never forgotten it and it's always helped overcome my resistance, eventually :grin:8-)


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
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joeseph
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Sep 24, 2020 16:20 as a reply to  @ Jonzjob's post |  #9568

are we allowed to ask what the saying was for resistor colour codes? (BBROYGBVGW if you need help)


some fairly old canon camera stuff, canon lenses, Manfrotto "thingy", and an M5, also an M6 that has had a 720nm filter bolted onto the sensor:
TF posting: here :-)

  
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Jonzjob
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Post edited over 1 year ago by Jonzjob.
     
Sep 24, 2020 16:51 |  #9569

I do believe that if I were to trype in the full version of that then I would be banned under the PC rules that jump all over us and screw us down today :eek:

Something like some kind of boys do something to ordinary young girls but other girls go without?

I haven't thought of that for an awfully long time and am AMAISED that I still remember it after 60 years!

Correct Joeseph ???

Edit : - I am just trying to remember if the last 2 or 3 letters indicate the tolerance % ?


My ambition for a good while is to grow old disgracefully. So far my wife tells me that I am doing really well!
https://johnamandiers.​wixsite.com/johns-w-o-w-1 (external link)
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joeseph
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Sep 25, 2020 04:44 |  #9570

Jonzjob wrote in post #19129430 (external link)
I do believe that if I were to type in the full version of that then I would be banned under the PC rules that jump all over us and screw us down today :eek:

He he... funny, thought that might be the case! Must say the acronym reminder I came up with in late '70's isn't printable either but strangely memorable after all these years.
I'll be looking for a 100K ohm this weekend to "gently" dissipate the flash cap in a M6 (else I'll be pretending to be a defib dummy)
wish me luck...


some fairly old canon camera stuff, canon lenses, Manfrotto "thingy", and an M5, also an M6 that has had a 720nm filter bolted onto the sensor:
TF posting: here :-)

  
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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