Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Roy Mathers wrote in post #19380392
If they're wireless, they don't have to be plugged in to anything!

Yeah, I know. I do miss the touch technology!

RhodyPhotos wrote in post #19380406
Yeah, I know. I do miss the touch technology!

It would be a terrible boob it you missed it Rhody

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren’t you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: “If you guys aren’t drinking beer than neither will I.”

pbigelow wrote in post #19386226
Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren’t you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: “If you guys aren’t drinking beer than neither will I.”

Mind you, if he had opted for guinness then he wouldn't have been drinking beer either init. Proper beer isn't pasturised is it

Now Wadworth 6X! That's beer

Two musicians Big Bad Earl and Slow Red walked into a guitar shop in the Deep South

Big Bad Earl said

Hand ova ma dough bro - real slow

The shop keeper reached for the sky, and passed it over

Slow Red handed over the cash and received some notes.

Hmm they said to each other as they left the shop

Great score …

Jonzjob wrote in post #19386431
Mind you, if he had opted for guinness then he wouldn't have been drinking beer either init. Proper beer isn't pasturised is it

Now Wadworth 6X! That's beer

Having seen the River Liffy , sterilisation is a good idea!


Only kidding it’s looking quite clean these days

One day, a police officer spots a guy driving a pick-up. In the bed of the truck are about a dozen penguins, squawking, flapping their little wings, and just making an awful ruckus.
Immediately, the cop pulls the truck over. He tells the driver, "Man, you can't be driving around with all these penguins in your truck. Take them to the zoo where they belong.

The very next day, the officer spots the same truck with the same penguins in the back. He stops the truck and tells the driver, "Look, I told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

The driver replied, "Well, we did that yesterday, officer. Today we're going to the movies."

This is from a forum I read on how to fix oven doors that don't shut.
The fix was simple and the comments hilarious. My wife thought so too and said she'd have to shape up
Anyway as the comments proceeded
Hamish posted an answer
Thanks Mate, wife's so happy I'll get sex for a month

Hamish, I showed my wife your post: she is happy, but not as happy as your wife evidently.

"She's not talking to me again."

"What is it this time?"

"I poured water on her and ruined our dinner."

"Well, I can see that. Why'd you pour water on her?"

"She caught herself afire."

"Sounds like the honeymoon is over."

"Yep."

Tragic news in the boating community.

The inventor of the speedboat has died. Service is Tuesday afternoon, followed by a wake.

...I'll show myself out...

chadmcm wrote in post #19402001
Tragic news in the boating community.

The inventor of the speedboat has died. Service is Tuesday afternoon, followed by a wake.

...I'll show myself out...

After a bow and a wave of course

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A worker at the miniature western town museum was rushed to the hospital after an explosion caused some the model horses to be lodged in his rectum.

Doctors describe his condition as stable.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar late one night.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud guy. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Rolls Royce pulled up at the side of the motorway on the hard shoulder with an old bloke stood just to one side of it as a cop car was driving by. The copper stopped and rushed back to the Rolls.

The old boy had just finished his pee and tucking his tackle away when the copper asked him if he had been drinking.

Why of course i have young man, but only a bottle of very nice Chat Neuf de Pap with my dinner followed by a few glasses of a lovely Taylors Old Tawny 40 year old port and a couple of armagnacs with my cigar, why?

Well sir said the copper I would like you to blow in to this tube so that I can confirm that you are over the limit!

So the old bloke blew up the coppers balloon and nearly melted it he was so far over the limit.

The copper took the old blokes arm and on the way to the cop car told him that he was being arrested and taken back to the cop shop. The old bloke thought that it would be nice to see what the cop shop looked like and got in the the car.

The copper then told his mate that he could go and he would dtive the Roller back to the sjop and the car lefy.

The copper walked back to the Roller's drivers door and opened it to get in. To his surprise the chauffer asked him where he thought he was going, shut the door and drove off

The moral of the story is that all is not always as it looks