Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Some crook just tried to syphon the petrol from my car.

AS it’s all electric, he got a terrible shock.

You can't give a used mattress away but people will pay $300 to sleep on one in a hotel.

A family ordered bowls of fried noodles. One of them seems too mushy, though.

Before eating, the father came up to the waiter saying "There's an impasta in our orders."

Ha! I know a Dad Joke when I read it!

I remember when I taught my kids about democracy. We'd have a family vote on which movie to watch and what kind of pizza to order. Then I'd choose the movie AND the pizza--
because I had the money.

NOT a political joke!

After 2 years of dating, my girlfriend and I decided to get married.

My girlfriend is a dream, and my parents and all my my friends said it’s a great idea.

But there is something that bothers me: her 20 year old little sister, my future sister-in-law.
She definitely is hot, always wearing super skinny mini skirts and short blouses. And it always seemed like she was putting on
a show for me, leaning over in a way that was easy for me to glance up her skirt. (She never did that in front of someone else.)

One day she called and asked me to stop by to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone.

She whispered that soon I will be married, and that she has had feelings for me for a long time and that she thinks she
can’t overcome them. She said she desperately wants to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister.

I was shocked and couldn't say a word. She said she is going up to her bedroom, asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her as she was going up the stairs. Half way up she took off her panties and tossed them to me.

I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door. I opened it and I went to my car.

My future father-in-law was standing by my car, and with tears in his eyes he hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed
this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"

And so the moral of the story is this: always keep your condoms in your car.

I met with a microbiologist yesterday. He was much bigger than I expected.

When you die, people cry loudly, say nice things, say they wish you were still alive.

BUT come back, and there's all the running away, screaming, trying to cut off your head...

I don't think that I would stand a ghost of a chance of coming back

Isn’t it confusing that when they say be headed they actually want to remove it?

The opposite of formaldehyde?

Casualdejekyll

Capn Jack wrote in post #19427948
The opposite of formaldehyde?

Casualdejekyll

No, no, no, no!!!!

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination is over, he says, "Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?"

"Well, in plain English," says the doctor, "you’re just lazy."

The man nods. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."