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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
BearSummer
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Sep 07, 2006 07:44 as a reply to  @ post 1951549 |  #106

Very good so far, time for a few zen jokes

Q, What is red and invisible?
A, No tomatoes

Q, What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A, Fsh.

Q, What do you call a blind deer?
A, No idea

Q, Whats the difference between a duck?
A, One of its legs is both the same.

A newlywed couple, a blind man, an Iranian mullah, a chicken, a used car dealer, Judith Regan, a proctologist, and a Hollywood starlet, along with a nun, a man who just received a gorilla brain transplant, two Hassidic Jews, a stuttering hotel clerk, and a can of Spam are riding in a compact car.
Suddenly, they hear a siren and a state trooper motions the vehicle to pull over. "License and registration," says the cop, "you've exceeded the legal character limit in this joke."

Q, Why are blonde jokes so short?
A, So men can remember them.

Q, Why do women go round in groups of three?
A, Cos if one of them leaves the other two will **** about her.

A hot air balloonist is taking a passenger for a flight and gets lost in low cloud, when the cloud clears they see a man walking across a hillside and call for directions.

Passenger "Hey you down there, where are we"
Hiker "You are in a hot air balloon about 100 feet off the ground moving southwest at about 8 miles per hour"
Passenger "You must work for a product support department"
Hiker "Wow you are right, how did you know"
Passenger "The information was correct but totally useless and you have wasted my time and not helped at all, you should have supplied better information and gotten us out of this problem"
Hiker "You must be a manager"
Passenger "You're right, how did you know"
Hiker "I gave you the information you asked for, yet I'm getting blamed for your problem"


BearSummer


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tim
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Sep 07, 2006 08:00 |  #107

BearSummer, great! :)


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RTMiller
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Sep 07, 2006 08:30 as a reply to  @ tim's post |  #108

Bill and Hillary Clinton were driving to an event. On the way they had to stop for gas. They pulled into a service station and to everyone's suprise, the station owner was an old high school boyfriend of Hillary's. After some casual chat, the Clintons pulled away.

Bill, feeling full of himself said, "You see that Honey, if you had married him you would be the wife of a gas station owner".

Without hestitation Hillary said, "If I had married him, he would be President".



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Buggbairn
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Sep 07, 2006 10:30 as a reply to  @ RTMiller's post |  #109

PHOTOBUCKET EMBEDDING IS DISABLED BY THIS MEMBER.
Photobucket sends ads instead of embedding photos from their free galleries.
Click the link (if available) below to see the image in a gallery page.

http://img.photobucket​.com …/post-1320-1139767705.gif (external link)


:lol: :lol:

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Wilt
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Sep 07, 2006 10:42 as a reply to  @ post 802348 |  #110

Skip Souza wrote:
The masochist pleads; "Hurt me, beat me, mistreat me, make me write bad cheques."
The sadist replies:

Wait for it......
"Noooooo"

Hey Skip, I'd accuse you of stealing from my writer -- ME! Years ago I came up with this very joke (without reference to the bad cheques)!


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Bodryn
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Sep 07, 2006 11:29 |  #111

For awhile I used to teach and one day I told a class: "I'm one-third Norwegian, one-third Swede and one-third Scandinavian." The scary thing about it is that nobody laughed, even though there is no way genetically to be one-third anything. At the same time, being half Norwegian and half Swede, I was also telling the truth.


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Wilt
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Sep 07, 2006 11:37 |  #112

Why does it take 20 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because none of them will stop to ask for directions!


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Bodryn
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Sep 07, 2006 11:40 |  #113

Many years ago when they still hunted wild game in Africa, an explorer had just returned from a safari in Africa and was showing slides of their adventure. The first slide he showed was one of himself leading a small contingent of other adventurers into the bush.

"What's that thing on your head?" asked one of the slide show attendees.

"A pith helmet", answered the explorer.

"What's that used for?" the attendee asked.

The explorer replied: "I'd rather not thay."


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Wilt
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Sep 07, 2006 11:44 |  #114

A lady has a female parrot, Josephine, with a very foul mouth. In desperation, she consults her priest. He tells her, "Bring her over...I have two parrots, Joseph and Gabiel, and they stay in their cage and quietly recite the rosary all day. Maybe they will have a positive effect on Josephine. So the lady goes home and the next day she brings the cage with Josephine back to church. The priest takes her over to the cage with his parrots, and introduces, "Gabriel, Joseph, this is Josephine!" Joseph comments to Gabriel, "You can put down your beads, Gabriel, our prayers have been answered!"


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dewmuw
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Sep 07, 2006 14:58 |  #115

A man walks into a bar and says "I need a double entendre."
The barman says "I'll give you one."

---------------
The police arrived at my house last night at 3am. They said "We're very sorry to tell you that we have just pulled your mother-in-law's body out of the river and there were 6 lobsters hanging off her. What do you want us to do?"

I said "You have three, I'll have three and set her again for the high tide!"


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Nortelbert
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Sep 07, 2006 15:17 as a reply to  @ post 857766 |  #116

Dart wrote:
Ok...one more suitable for this forum...probably in a million different forums....


How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

I resurrected it :-)




  
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Nortelbert
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Sep 07, 2006 15:18 as a reply to  @ Nortelbert's post |  #117

Nortelbert wrote:
Dart wrote:
Ok...one more suitable for this forum...probably in a million different forums....


How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

I resurrected it :-)

Me too!




  
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BearSummer
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Sep 08, 2006 05:59 as a reply to  @ BearSummer's post |  #118

If a man speaks and a woman doesnt hear him is he still wrong?

Q, What do slugs say to snails?
A, Big issue.

A rabbi, priest and a mullah are walking down the street, the rabbi says, "hey have you heard the one about us?"

An opthamologist, a priest, and an engineer were golfing when they came upon a VERY slow foursome ahead of them. The trio soon became frustrated and called the marshall over, asking him what was up with the foursome who were playing like blind men and taking so much time.

The marshall replied, "They ARE blind men. Those are four firefighters who recently lost their sight when the clubhouse caught fire...they saved numerous women and children from a horrible death, but all lost their sight. As a gesture of thanks, the club has given them free golf any time they want."

The opthamologist exclaimed, "How selfless! I will treat each and every one for free, perhaps I can restore their vision!"

The priest exclaimed, "How righteous those four are! I will dedicate a sermon in their honor and ask the congregation to pray for them!"

The engineer asked, "Why don't they play at night?"

And lastly

A scientist, engineer and mathematician are asked "which is it better to have, a wife or a mistress", after careful thought the scientist says "A wife so that you can have a loving relationship and help to continue the human race". The engineer says "No you want a mistress, have fun, but no be tied down and able to travel around when you need to". The Mathematician just laughs at the, "Dolts the answer is both, and you make sure they know about each other, that way your wife will think you are with the mistress and your mistress will think you are with your wife and you can go and get some work done without interuption"

BearSummer


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Radtech1
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Sep 08, 2006 11:18 as a reply to  @ post 1950682 |  #119

Lars and Ole are out golfing one morning and the round is going pretty good with one exception - the two women in front of them are going just too slowly. After a half dozen holes of Lars and Ole waiting and waiting and waiting for these gals, Lars finally tells Ole, "Hey, Ole, go up der and tell dem vemmen to speed it up."

So Ole approaches and when he gets a good look, he ducks his head and quickly steals back - "I can't talk to dose vemmen," he tells Lars, "vun uh dem is my vife, and de odder is my misteress!"

"Oh fer cripes sake!" says Lars, "I'll just go tell dem myself". Moments later, he creeps back and says to Ole, "Boy! It's a small vorld, isn't it!"


.
.

Be humble, for you are made of the earth. Be noble, for you are made of the stars.

  
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tag141
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Sep 08, 2006 12:40 |  #120

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.




  
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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