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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
Aaagogo
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Feb 19, 2009 19:03 |  #1861

this one is good bw!

Tunneruk wrote in post #7358293 (external link)
I've just witnessed a Midget guy being pick pocketed ...............
...............How could anyone stoop so low!


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Radtech1
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Feb 19, 2009 21:29 |  #1862

From FAILBLOG - and I don't think it's a fail - I think it's a great example of quick thinking a directly addressing a problem with an innovative and unexpected solution.

http://www.youtube.com​/watch?v=5KZ2EVIDDbY (external link)


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SoccerRef
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Feb 20, 2009 08:06 |  #1863

An old biker dude goes into a bar in South Georgia and as he sits down at the bar notices that there is a huge jar behind the counter full of $20 bills.

He says to the bartender, “Wow, that’s one hell of a tip jar! Why do you leave it sitting there on the counter? Aren’t you afraid someone’s going to steal it?”

“Nobody’s going to steal it, I got one hell of a mean watchdog”, said the bartender, “and besides it ain’t mine. You see I have a few odd jobs that need done, and a standing bet, and if you put up $20 I’ll tell you what they are and if you accomplish them, the money’s yours.”

“There’s got to be damn near $20,000 or more in that jar! Three jobs! Hell, here’s my $20. What do I got to do?”

“Well, the bet is that you can’t drink this gallon jug of home brewed whiskey. And the two jobs are these: That watchdog I spoke of, well, he's a bull dog, and he's out back with two bad teeth that need pulled. The other job is that I got a grandma upstairs who lost her husband a while back and wants to be pleasured. She’s got to climax, but if you can do those three things, the money’s yours!”

The biker dude thinks about it a minute and says, “OK, you’re on! I can hold my whiskey, I ain’t scared of no dog, and there ain’t a woman alive I can’t pleasure. So does it matter in which order I do these three things?”

“Nope, just got to do all three!”

“Well, I’ll start with the whiskey then, I'm a better fighter and Lover when I’m drunk anyhow.”

A half an hour later the gallon of whiskey was gone, but the biker was plastered. He stumbled out the back door to go find the dog. The patrons were all quiet as they listened to the man with the dog outside. There was a bunch of barking, growling, crashing and banging, and then some pitiful whining, but about 20 minutes later, he emerged back into the bar, clothes torn and bloody, with pliers in hand and said, “OK, so where’s the old lady that needs some teeth pulled!?...”


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bryanj87
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Feb 20, 2009 18:12 |  #1864

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."


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5x5 ­ photography
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Feb 21, 2009 04:13 |  #1865

How do crazy folks get through the forest?.....

They take the psycho path.


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Citizensmith
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Feb 22, 2009 11:32 |  #1866

bryanj87 wrote in post #7370260 (external link)
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."

AKA

What do you call a mushroom that buys you lots of drinks? A Fungi to be with. :)


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binliner
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Feb 23, 2009 07:45 |  #1867

A man rings up his local news paper, to put in an obituary for his late wife.
he hasn't a lot of money so he can only afford to put 3 words...
"Margret Smith, Dead!"

The chap at the news paper feels a bit sorry for him and says
"I tell you you what mate, you can have 3 more words for free"

So The man says ok... "Margret Smith, Dead! Fiesta for sale"


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Phil ­ Light
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Feb 23, 2009 20:44 |  #1868

USEFUL MATH CONVERSIONS

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of figs falling 1 meter = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision


Please disregard all opinions in this post
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eddarr
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Feb 23, 2009 20:59 |  #1869

Phil Light wrote in post #7391940 (external link)
USEFUL MATH CONVERSIONS

:lol:Thats classic.


Eric

  
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SoccerRef
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Feb 26, 2009 15:05 |  #1870

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they cut up every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'



One thing you can say about Rednecks... They know how to get'r done.


SoccerRef - PergerPhotography.com (external link) - SUPPORT POTN HERE (external link)My Canon Gear - 7D, Gripped 40D, Gripped 20D, SD780IS, EFS 17-85 f/4.0-5.6 IS, EF 28-135 IS, 420EX
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Darsk47
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Mar 01, 2009 19:46 |  #1871

SoccerRef wrote in post #7412916 (external link)
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they cut up every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

One thing you can say about Rednecks... They know how to get'r done.

Same but different.... when the son calls his elderly father from jail and says he hid the money in a hole out back by the shed. blah blah blah.....2 days later another phone call, "did they dig up the tomato garden for you dad? Good, cuz obviously I can't from this cell...."


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Darsk47
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Mar 01, 2009 19:54 |  #1872

A guy walks up to a night club and is stopped by the doorman.

Doorman says ties are mandatory, no men allowed without a tie.

The guy tries to talk his way into it, but the doorman doesn't bite. Doorman tells him go away, find a tie, anything...necktie, bow tie, bollo tie....something but you're not getting in without a tie.

Dude goes back to his car, looks to see what he's got, but can only find a set of jumper cables. So he swings them around his neck and ties a big knot in the front of them and heads back to the nightclub.

Doorman stops him again, looks him over, up & down, and finally says " alright,.... you can go in...but don't start anything ! "


Darcy
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Radtech1
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Mar 01, 2009 22:40 |  #1873

A guy walks into a bar and notices a sign on the wall. It says "Ask about our special challenge".

He asks the bartender what its all about.

The bartender says points to two large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling about three and a bit yards up and says "If you can jump up and touch those pieces of meat then you can drink in this bar free for a year.

However if you don't manage to reach them then you have to buy everyone here two rounds each."

The guy thinks about it and muses it over.

He looks at the meat then at the barman then at the meat then looks at the barman and says "Nah, pal. The steaks are too high."


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Radtech1
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Mar 01, 2009 22:49 |  #1874

Morris starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. Morris realizes the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past Morris' apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee ... do you think he'll remember us?"


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Be humble, for you are made of the earth. Be noble, for you are made of the stars.

  
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Radtech1
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Mar 01, 2009 22:53 |  #1875

Phil Light wrote in post #7391940 (external link)
USEFUL MATH CONVERSIONS

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
...

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

You forgot this one:

Milihelen = the amount of beauty required to launch one ship.

.


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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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