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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
20droger
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Apr 21, 2009 18:37 as a reply to  @ post 7771372 |  #2011

O'l John wakes up in a cold sweat. His friend Bill asks, "what's the matter."

John: "I dreamed I was in Hell."

Bill: "What was it like."

John: "I was in a room with a barrel of 12-year-old single malt whiskey and the most beautiful naked girl imaginable."

Bill: "That sounds more like heaven."

John: "Yeah, but the barrel had a hole in it, and the girl didn't!"




  
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Shudderbug
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Apr 21, 2009 21:33 |  #2012

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.


Chris
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Shudderbug
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Apr 22, 2009 20:57 |  #2013

How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said,"Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said,"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said,"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said,"How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said,"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said,"We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.


Chris
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SoccerRef
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Apr 22, 2009 21:48 |  #2014

Shudderbug...

This is the "Whats your Favorit Joke?" thread. NOT The "Cut and Paste News Stories from the Newspaper Thread"...


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Shudderbug
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Apr 22, 2009 22:05 |  #2015

I'll keep it in mind, however I did not take any of those jokes from anywhere. I'm not trying to be offensive if you find them so.


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Radtech1
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Apr 22, 2009 22:40 |  #2016

Shudderbug wrote in post #7785442 (external link)
I'll keep it in mind, however I did not take any of those jokes from anywhere. I'm not trying to be offensive if you find them so.


CC

I believe that SoccerRef was making a joke himself, that your post about the night watchman was so accurate that it could be mistaken for an actual news story that was "cut and pasted".

Forgive him. He's kind of new at this whole Internets thing, and doesn't know that he should have put in a smiley, to let people know he is kidding when his post might be taken seriously. Like this ---> :lol:

Rad


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Citizensmith
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Apr 22, 2009 23:41 |  #2017

I was talking to a friend who said he had a new girlfriend. Gorgeous, great body, great in bed, AND, she was a twin and he was getting the same fantastic action there too. I asked him how he tells the twins apart. He said its easy, her brother has a mustache.


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tim
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Apr 23, 2009 01:01 |  #2018

Wow, that's one of the best bad taste jokes i've heard in a while! :D


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WMS
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Apr 23, 2009 01:36 |  #2019

Shudderbug wrote in post #7784941 (external link)
How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said,"Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said,"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said,"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said,"How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said,"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said,"We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

I have a better way to reduce the budget overage, fire Congress!!!!

Or perhaps wh should have Gladiatorial contests pitting the two congressmen with the most seniority against each other, OK make that the most senior Republican verses the most senior Democrat in a duel to the death, telivise it on pay per view and use the revinews to offset the Budget Deficate, Not THERE is a Government program which would work.

Wayne


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neil_r
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Apr 23, 2009 04:16 |  #2020

Citizensmith wrote in post #7785979 (external link)
I was talking to a friend who said he had a new girlfriend. Gorgeous, great body, great in bed, AND, she was a twin and he was getting the same fantastic action there too. I asked him how he tells the twins apart. He said its easy, her brother has a mustache.

First one to get an "out loud" laugh from me in a while :-)


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20droger
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Apr 23, 2009 08:57 |  #2021

WMS wrote in post #7786531 (external link)
I have a better way to reduce the budget overage, fire Congress!!!!

Or perhaps wh should have Gladiatorial contests pitting the two congressmen with the most seniority against each other, OK make that the most senior Republican verses the most senior Democrat in a duel to the death, telivise it on pay per view and use the revinews to offset the Budget Deficate, Not THERE is a Government program which would work.

Wayne

"Budget Deficate"?!! I know the economy is in deep doo-doo, but what a crappy thing to say!!!




  
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Belmondo
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Apr 23, 2009 09:03 |  #2022

20droger wrote in post #7787759 (external link)
"Budget Deficate"?!! I know the economy is in deep doo-doo, but what a crappy thing to say!!!

:lol::lol::lol:

It seems appropriate to me, Roger.


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Shudderbug
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Apr 23, 2009 20:00 |  #2023

Politics Made Simple
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Pure Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Anarchy-Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Olympics-ism: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.


CC


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cfpackerfan
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Apr 24, 2009 10:30 |  #2024

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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Apr 24, 2009 19:09 |  #2025

neil_r wrote in post #7786865 (external link)
First one to get an "out loud" laugh from me in a while :-)

Same from me when I heard it. I had to share. :)


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