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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
Citizensmith
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Apr 24, 2009 19:12 |  #2026

WMS wrote in post #7786531 (external link)
I have a better way to reduce the budget overage, fire Congress!!!!

Or perhaps wh should have Gladiatorial contests pitting the two congressmen with the most seniority against each other, OK make that the most senior Republican verses the most senior Democrat in a duel to the death, telivise it on pay per view and use the revinews to offset the Budget Deficate, Not THERE is a Government program which would work.

Wayne

I dunno, be a bit better if it was various politicians vs someone like Chad Dawson. Maybe not against Darth Chaney though. Those dark jedi powers of his may make it a bit unfair.


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Belmondo
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Apr 25, 2009 10:02 as a reply to  @ Citizensmith's post |  #2027

Two little boys are sitting in the schoolyard, and a little girl walks by.

One little boy says to the other, "Her neck's dirty."

The other little boy replies, "Her does??"


I'm not short. I'm concentrated awesome!

  
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Woolburr
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Apr 25, 2009 10:06 |  #2028

Belmondo wrote in post #7801226 (external link)
Two little boys are sitting in the schoolyard, and a little girl walks by.

One little boy says to the other, "Her neck's dirty."

The other little boy replies, "Her does??"

ROFL...I didn't know you had been visiting the mountains!


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S7000
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Apr 25, 2009 11:26 |  #2029

SoccerRef wrote in post #7766898 (external link)
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he Hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron”.

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.”

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked.

He says to the frog, “Wow that's amazing”.

You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, “Ribbit, Lucky frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

“What do you think frog?” The man asks.

“Ribbit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit, Las Vegas”

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now What?”

The frog says, “Ribbit, Roulette.”

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should Bet?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit $3,000 on Black 6”. Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.

He sits the frog down and Says, “Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit KissMe.”

The man thinks for a moment, and then he figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog immediately turned into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”


Ah Haha! Gold!!!


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Shudderbug
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Apr 25, 2009 15:21 |  #2030

Disorder In The Court

Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


CC


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tim
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Apr 25, 2009 23:53 |  #2031

Belmondo wrote in post #7801226 (external link)
Two little boys are sitting in the schoolyard, and a little girl walks by.

One little boy says to the other, "Her neck's dirty."

The other little boy replies, "Her does??"

I don't get it...


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Skip ­ Souza
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Apr 26, 2009 01:02 |  #2032

Necking=kissing :lol:


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ryant35
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Apr 26, 2009 01:07 |  #2033

So far, this is as old as I've been.

-The late, great George Carlin



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brecklundin
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Apr 26, 2009 01:46 |  #2034

What kind of meat do Priests eat on Friday?

Why nun of course, it's a habit of theirs...


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Skip ­ Souza
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Apr 28, 2009 00:34 |  #2035

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2..25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes", "Yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger :lol:


Bless the recently fallen and their family and friends.
I have a Cannon with me at all times. You can't take the shot if you don't have something with which to shoot. :rolleyes:
That which does not kill me ~~ Should Run.
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20droger
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Apr 28, 2009 00:37 |  #2036

tim wrote in post #7804824 (external link)
I don't get it...

Some are beyond hope....




  
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brecklundin
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Apr 28, 2009 01:03 |  #2037

Skip Souza wrote in post #7817022 (external link)
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2..25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes", "Yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger :lol:

...Skip, maaaan that was a GOOD ONE!! hahahahaha...


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{Ok...ok, some of use just have a PnS but it it always makes me happy! :D}
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brecklundin
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Apr 28, 2009 01:05 |  #2038

What is a Smack?


it's what Smurf's do when they smuck...


Real men shoot Pentax because we're born with our own Canon's!!
{Ok...ok, some of use just have a PnS but it it always makes me happy! :D}
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Skip ­ Souza
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Apr 28, 2009 01:07 |  #2039

GROAN!! :lol:


Bless the recently fallen and their family and friends.
I have a Cannon with me at all times. You can't take the shot if you don't have something with which to shoot. :rolleyes:
That which does not kill me ~~ Should Run.
5DMkII, 7D, 70-300L IS, 24-105L,
No more PayPal gift payment requests.
"PERSONAL MESSAGING REGARDING SELLING OR BUYING ITEMS WITH MEMBERS WHO HAVE NO POSTS IN FORUMS AND/OR WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW FROM FORUMS IS HEREBY DECLARED STRICTLY STUPID AND YOU WILL GET BURNED."

  
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brecklundin
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Apr 28, 2009 01:39 |  #2040

snickersnicker...that one never fails!!  :p


Real men shoot Pentax because we're born with our own Canon's!!
{Ok...ok, some of use just have a PnS but it it always makes me happy! :D}
Pentax K5, K20D, Three Amigos (Pentax FA 31/1.8 Limited Silver, Pentax FA 43/1.9 Limited Silver, Pentax FA 77/1.8 Limited Silver), Pentax DA 35mm F2.8 Macro Limited, Sigma 24-60/2.8

  
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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