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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
ryant35
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Jul 20, 2009 18:29 |  #2356

The Old Cowboy.....

Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian



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3Turner
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Jul 20, 2009 18:35 |  #2357

:lol: Good one Ryan.


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F4 ­ Cyborg
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Jul 20, 2009 18:38 |  #2358
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A lesbian trapped in a mans body. LMAO


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SoccerRef
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Jul 21, 2009 07:30 |  #2359

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please, 'and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says,

'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,

'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'



'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers,

'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.'


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pennypue
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Jul 21, 2009 08:47 |  #2360

SoccerRef wrote in post #8317235 (external link)
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers,

'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

:lol:

It could have been worse. He could have gotten me instead.;)


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Andy_T
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Jul 21, 2009 18:49 |  #2361

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags begins to rip and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK - Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"WELL YOU KNOW ... not everybody pays".

***************

Hope you like it!
Best regards, Andy


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ryant35
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Jul 21, 2009 20:33 |  #2362

Andy_T wrote in post #8320856 (external link)
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags begins to rip and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK - Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"WELL YOU KNOW ... not everybody pays".

***************

Hope you like it!
Best regards, Andy

Oh my.



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Citizensmith
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Jul 21, 2009 21:21 |  #2363

ryant35 wrote in post #8314227 (external link)
It's better with a real Scottish name like Shamus the Goat F***er.

Funny then that you should pick the name Shamus which isn't Scottish at all. :)

I think you are thinking Irish there m'lado


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F4 ­ Cyborg
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Jul 21, 2009 22:45 |  #2364
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fer shamus onz ye there lad'e. I be tink'n he might have'a point.

Anyone know how ya keep's a person of lesser IQ in suspense?


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Citizensmith
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Jul 21, 2009 23:16 |  #2365

F4 Cyborg wrote in post #8321999 (external link)
Anyone know how ya keep's a person of lesser IQ in suspense?

While everyone is working that out I've got another test for y'all. Read the following numbers very carefully.

1 2 3 4

5 6

7 8 9 10

11

12 13 14 15 16

17 18

19 20


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Citizensmith
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Jul 21, 2009 23:17 |  #2366

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Tomorrow we'll do the alphabet.

You guys are easily entertained aren't you. :)


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F4 ­ Cyborg
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Jul 21, 2009 23:37 |  #2367
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I'm tink'n mabe, you put a wee bit more time in dat than you shoulda.


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ryant35
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Jul 21, 2009 23:39 |  #2368

Citizensmith wrote in post #8321559 (external link)
Funny then that you should pick the name Shamus which isn't Scottish at all. :)

I think you are thinking Irish there m'lado

I've heard enough Scottish jokes with the name Shamus to believe it.:lol:



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ZGMF-X20A
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Jul 22, 2009 13:10 |  #2369

When I read Shamus, i think of Shamu


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Jul 22, 2009 14:38 |  #2370

ryant35 wrote in post #8322279 (external link)
I've heard enough Scottish jokes with the name Shamus to believe it.:lol:

But that just means you know lots of people who are about as connected to Scotland as James Doohan and assume that because its vaguely foreign sounding it must be Scottish. Now if we want a nice stereotypical Scottish name we can go for Angus. Never actually met a Scot called Angus but at least it has the right heritage.


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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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