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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
20droger
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Jul 28, 2009 18:41 as a reply to  @ post 8358453 |  #2386

A man, still sober, reaches for his drink and bumps the glass, spilling it.

As the bartender wipes it up and get him a new one he says," Man, you should get your vision checked. That's the third time you've missed your glass!"

"There's nothing wrong with my vision! For example, I can see that black cat in the doorway has only one eye."

"Oh yeah? Well, that cat is going out, not coming in!"




  
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Sean921172
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Aug 03, 2009 13:59 as a reply to  @ 20droger's post |  #2387

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the
last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to
call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an *******!" and
hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar
with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for.. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that
spot. The idiot ignored me I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window . .
so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* ( I had his
number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW *******, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an *******."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had
a problem, I had two *******s to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used
to be

So, I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.

"Hello."

"You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen.."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"*******, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

Then I called ******* #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, *******," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two *******s beating the crap out of each other in
front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best


400d 18-55 55-200 Nifty-Fifty
A good friend will always bail you out of jail. A best friend will be sat next to you saying "Damn! That was fun!!"

  
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F4 ­ Cyborg
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Aug 03, 2009 14:08 |  #2388
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^^^ Funnyy LMAO >< I know just the two to set that on. ROFLMAO


Cyborg: part Man, part Machine (the machine gives a hoot!)

  
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S.n.a.f.u.
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Aug 03, 2009 14:41 |  #2389

what bird brings the babies?

the stork of course!

what bird brings no babies?

a little swallow!

i know slightly crude but funny all the same


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Citizensmith
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Aug 03, 2009 21:01 |  #2390

When you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?


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Citizensmith
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Aug 03, 2009 21:02 |  #2391

It was the wife's birthday yesterday and she had told me she wanted a ring. "Happy birthday," I said...before putting down the phone and going out for a beer.


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F4 ­ Cyborg
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Aug 03, 2009 21:19 |  #2392
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so what color does a smurf turn


Cyborg: part Man, part Machine (the machine gives a hoot!)

  
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3Turner
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Aug 03, 2009 21:23 as a reply to  @ F4 Cyborg's post |  #2393

Sean921172 wrote in post #8391545 (external link)
Anger Management


:lol::lol::lol::lol:
Great one!


Robert [¯Ô¯] | Gear | Gallery (external link)

  
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Skip ­ Souza
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Aug 03, 2009 23:13 |  #2394

Citizensmith wrote in post #8393787 (external link)
It was the wife's birthday yesterday and she had told me she wanted a ring. "Happy birthday," I said...before putting down the phone and going out for a beer.

Oh, your're going to pay for that one. Love it! :lol:


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WMS
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Aug 04, 2009 00:05 |  #2395

Citizensmith wrote in post #8393787 (external link)
It was the wife's birthday yesterday and she had told me she wanted a ring. "Happy birthday," I said...before putting down the phone and going out for a beer.

Speaking for all of the Jewelers everywhere WE can get you out of the doghouse .... I would suggest something around 3 carats. :oops:

And yes I can make some suggestions ......

Wayne ;)


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Radtech1
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Aug 06, 2009 19:50 as a reply to  @ post 8312502 |  #2396

HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END:

It works so I'm sending it on!

****COMPLETELY NWS****

(That means NOT WORK SAFE - so don't even think of clicking on the link if anyone is or might look over your shoulder or if the IT manager scours your cache. Probably not Spouse Safe either - mine just rolled her eyes and said that I was an idiot.)

Click Here (external link)


.
.

Be humble, for you are made of the earth. Be noble, for you are made of the stars.

  
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Citizensmith
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Aug 06, 2009 21:31 |  #2397

Radtech1 wrote in post #8413407 (external link)
HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END:

It works so I'm sending it on!

****COMPLETELY NWS****

(That means NOT WORK SAFE - so don't even think of clicking on the link if anyone is or might look over your shoulder or if the IT manager scours your cache. Probably not Spouse Safe either - mine just rolled her eyes and said that I was an idiot.)

Click Here (external link)


Hey that's some really nice, umm javascript.

Small movements left or right seem best folks.


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Sean921172
Member
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Aug 10, 2009 17:55 as a reply to  @ Citizensmith's post |  #2398

WRAPPING A PRESENT WITH A CAT

1 Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2 Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
3 Open door and remove cat from closet.
4 Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5 Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6 Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . .
7 Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8 Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
9 Remove present from bag.
10 Remove cat from bag.
11 Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12 Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13 Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
14 Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
15 Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
16 Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.
17 Place present on paper.
18 Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
19 Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.
20 Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
21 Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
22 Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
23 Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
24 Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
25 Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
26 Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
27 Put present in box, and tie down with string.
28 Remove string, open box and remove cat.
29 Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
30 Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.
31 Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.
32 Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door)
33 Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)
34 Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.
35 Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
36 Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
37 Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
38 Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
39 Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
40 Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
41 Go to store and buy a gift bag


400d 18-55 55-200 Nifty-Fifty
A good friend will always bail you out of jail. A best friend will be sat next to you saying "Damn! That was fun!!"

  
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Traci_Ann
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Aug 10, 2009 20:18 |  #2399

Sean921172 wrote in post #8435285 (external link)
WRAPPING A PRESENT WITH A CAT

1 .....

Thats funny and having a cat, I know so much of this is true.


Sevas Tra...

  
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WMS
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Aug 10, 2009 20:23 |  #2400

Sean921172 wrote in post #8435285 (external link)
WRAPPING A PRESENT WITH A CAT

There is a simpler solution

1) find cool dark location to enclose cat
2) wrap present
3) retrieve cat


I'm just a simple maker of love charms and tokens,who occasionally takes a picture or two.
Gear list: more toys than I need, Fewer than I want.

  
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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