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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
FlyingPhotog
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Sep 30, 2009 19:02 |  #2746

lanno wrote in post #8737157 (external link)
:lol:

perhaps, but only to the extent that it does not seek to deny the right of other bodily proteins, regardless of lifestyle or worldview, to have the potential to contribute, as they see fit, to a colour-paradigm of their choosing

let not chemistry stand in the way of a protein's right to choose

ugh, i need coffee

Uh, Right ON! :lol:


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Citizensmith
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Sep 30, 2009 20:08 |  #2747

F4 Cyborg wrote in post #8734801 (external link)
er twer it a joke er a dissertation?

Fortunately there is an edit option on posts. You may want to take advantage of that. :)


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F4 ­ Cyborg
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Oct 01, 2009 01:56 |  #2748
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Na, it'z der az I putz it.


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Guineh
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Oct 01, 2009 09:57 as a reply to  @ F4 Cyborg's post |  #2749

Radtech1 wrote in post #8730895 (external link)
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister."

"I do?" questions the confused youngster. "Sure," responds the dad, "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"


:eek:

Ouch.

bjordan wrote in post #8736502 (external link)
In a sane world, we would have had the main dish for a nice neighborly pot-luck.

Heh. Roast duck anyone?


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tim
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Oct 02, 2009 06:09 |  #2750

It was the first day of a school in America and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty , or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!"

Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed, Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "Al Gore to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're f**ked!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq ........2007 when they didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction"


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F4 ­ Cyborg
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Oct 02, 2009 10:00 |  #2751
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/\ /\ /\
Now that there was funny I tell you what, I don't care who you are that there was funny, Spinner Son. :lol:


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Digital ­ Aurora ­ Photography
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Oct 02, 2009 10:29 |  #2752

Good Joke Tim.


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Oct 02, 2009 11:15 as a reply to  @ Digital Aurora Photography's post |  #2753

Bush barfed on Japan PM.



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FlyingPhotog
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Oct 03, 2009 01:48 |  #2754

You had me at General Custer .. beyond that... <Meh..>


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Scottes
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Oct 03, 2009 12:18 |  #2755

Tim Conway destroys his castmates during a "Mama's Family" sketch on the "Carol Burnett Show" by refusing to let the scene continue until he can finish a story about a circus elephant. Unedited!

http://www.youtube.com​/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY (external link)


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20droger
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Oct 03, 2009 12:37 as a reply to  @ Scottes's post |  #2756

George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill, along with the message, "Dear Winston: Here are two tickets for yourself and a friend, assuming you have a friend."

Churchill returned the tickets with the note,"Dear Bernard. A prior engagement prevents my attending opening night. Please replace these with tickets for the second night, assuming there is a second night."




  
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thomascanty
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Oct 03, 2009 13:19 |  #2757

FlyingPhotog wrote in post #8751664 (external link)
You had me at General Custer .. beyond that... <Meh..>

Yep... There's nothing that can suck the humor out of a joke quicker than continuing on after the punchline has been delivered... :rolleyes:


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Radtech1
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Oct 04, 2009 01:37 as a reply to  @ Citizensmith's post |  #2758

Hangover Ratings

1 star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 star hangovers

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full Denny's breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangovers

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime a girl walks by you gag because the perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a liter of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangovers

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangovers

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... Very gently.

6 star hangovers

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.

Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

So that's it, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!

Thought so!!


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Oct 04, 2009 09:11 |  #2759

Radtech1 - You are not alone. Find someone who has been there, done that, and has successfully walked away from Mr Al K. Haul. He is a fiend who pretends to have an "R" in his name...

My six star story was pretty similar, except I didn't fight anything in a taxi unfortunately... I woke up and found my car parked in the front yard... Still don't remember the 20 minute trip between friend's house and home, doubt I ever will. I'm damn fortunate someone isn't dead to remember that night by.

But it was my wakeup call.

Al and I haven't seen each other in years now, and while I still occasionally think about him, I don't miss him much at all... LIFE is too precious.


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Oct 04, 2009 09:35 |  #2760

I had a 6 star in Krakow recently on a freinds stag do. Unfortunately my flight home was at 4pm and I had to get out of our accomodation at 10am. So I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon looking for strategic places to projectile vomit every 30 minutes without upsetting the locals and tourists. Standing in line to check in was probably the single most difficult thing I have ever done. How I ever made it on that flight I will never know. Took me a week to recover.


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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)
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