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Thread started 26 Sep 2005 (Monday) 09:27
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Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

 
neil_r
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Nov 11, 2009 01:49 |  #3091

Two guys were sitting in a pub and one asked the other "What is the significance of that ring you are wearing?" "It's my wedding ring" the other replies, "Well you have it on the wrong finger" said the first. "I know, I married the wrong woman!"


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neilwood32
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Nov 11, 2009 06:28 |  #3092

neil_r wrote in post #8994645 (external link)
Two guys were sitting in a pub and one asked the other "What is the significance of that ring you are wearing?" "It's my wedding ring" the other replies, "Well you have it on the wrong finger" said the first. "I know, I married the wrong woman!"

Now that deserves a rimshot - http://www.instantrims​hot.com/ (external link) :D


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Radtech1
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Nov 12, 2009 14:32 as a reply to  @ neil_r's post |  #3093

Top 10 things that NEVER happen in the Trek Universe:

10) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.

9) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.

8) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.

7) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

6) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

5) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.

4) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.

3) Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.

2) Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.

And Finally

1) Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."


.
.

Be humble, for you are made of the earth. Be noble, for you are made of the stars.

  
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ryant35
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Nov 12, 2009 16:14 |  #3094

Radtech1 wrote in post #9003446 (external link)
Top 10 things that NEVER happen in the Trek Universe:

10) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.

9) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.

8) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.

7) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

6) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

5) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.

4) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.

3) Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.

2) Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.

And Finally

1) Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."

Did you see the Family Guy episode where Stewie kept saying Will Weaton? Great stuff.



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WorkingClassHero
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Nov 12, 2009 17:24 |  #3095

Radtech1 wrote in post #9003446 (external link)
Top 10 things that NEVER happen in the Trek Universe:

10) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.

Ensign Ricky :D

http://www.youtube.com​/watch?v=WJn9Wqm2Ryk (external link)


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hslxsmd
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Nov 12, 2009 20:48 as a reply to  @ WorkingClassHero's post |  #3096

not sure if this was told

PROOF THAT GIRLS ARE EVIL

1st we state that girls require time and money
Girls = Time x Money

and we know that "time is money"
Time = Money

Girls = Money x Money = (money)^2

and because "money is the root of all evil"..
Money = Evil ^1/2

Therefore
Girls - (Evil ^1/2)^2

and we conclude that
Girls = Evil


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Radtech1
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Nov 12, 2009 20:56 |  #3097

hslxsmd wrote in post #9005421 (external link)
Girls = Evil

Those have always been my favorite! More exciting!


.
.

Be humble, for you are made of the earth. Be noble, for you are made of the stars.

  
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bjordan
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Nov 12, 2009 22:55 |  #3098

WorkingClassHero wrote in post #9004391 (external link)
Ensign Ricky :D

http://www.youtube.com​/watch?v=WJn9Wqm2Ryk (external link)

I was half expecting to hear that we're no strangers to love...


"...this was the destiny of our lives. A long time ago this was our future, looking now for a lost pomegranate at Big Sur." -R. Brautigan

  
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chadmcm
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Nov 12, 2009 23:23 |  #3099

Radtech1 wrote in post #9003446 (external link)
Top 10 things that NEVER happen in the Trek Universe:

10) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.

I loved how they handled "Guy" in Galaxy Quest, too. It's not so funny when you're not just an actor who could be on a soap opera the next week...:p


Chad McMurry
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20droger
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Nov 12, 2009 23:40 as a reply to  @ chadmcm's post |  #3100

One is approximately equal to two, for large values of one and small values of two.

Sorry, but if you're mathematically challenged, you'll never understand.




  
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Thalagyrt
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Nov 13, 2009 00:16 |  #3101

20droger wrote in post #9006154 (external link)
One is approximately equal to two, for large values of one and small values of two.

Sorry, but if you're mathematically challenged, you'll never understand.

I bought a shirt for one of my calculus professors (300 level) that said 2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2 as a joke. I went to visit the school about 4 years later and ran into him, it was a weekend and he was just going for a jog on campus and was wearing the shirt. :D


James

  
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oldtimingman
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Nov 13, 2009 05:25 |  #3102

for the fortunate among us....


Grandparents


1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes
of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she
applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma,
you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put
lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper
good-bye...


2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the
children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood
was like: "We used to skate outside
on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front
yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little
girl was wide-eyed,
taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you
sooner!"


5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how
you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are
we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.


6 A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he
asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."


7 I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided
to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She
would tell me and
was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed
for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of
these, yourself!"


8 When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from
attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing
them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa, now the mosquitoes
are coming after us with flashlights."


9 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."


10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother,
more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting,"
she said,"how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You
just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."


11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant
means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means
carrying a child."


12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day
when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another.
"He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."


13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she
lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when
we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I
don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and
they blame their dog.

.....old


John Wayne was right....

  
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troutfisher
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Nov 13, 2009 11:51 |  #3103

Just Recieved this
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M

N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21

22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5

= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing

will take you:
A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+1​4+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Cheers


Chris
" Age and treachery will always defeat youth and enthusiasm"

  
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Citizensmith
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Nov 13, 2009 11:54 |  #3104

That (the grandparents post) was like one of those email circulars the woman in accounting insists on sending everyone, along with all the cute kitten posts.


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bjordan
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Nov 13, 2009 12:48 |  #3105

Citizensmith wrote in post #9008556 (external link)
That (the grandparents post) was like one of those email circulars the woman in accounting insists on sending everyone, along with all the cute kitten posts.

Don't forget the 108pt blue comic sans font.


"...this was the destiny of our lives. A long time ago this was our future, looking now for a lost pomegranate at Big Sur." -R. Brautigan

  
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