Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

troutfisher wrote in post #9008540
Just Recieved this
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M

N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21

22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5

= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing

will take you:
A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+1​4+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Cheers

What it really proves is that every athlete who claims to give 110% is a bullshifting ass kisser, as well as a failure at grade-school mathematics.

A bloke joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "Well, it's about time," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

lanno wrote in post #9022207
A bloke joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "Well, it's about time," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

Thats good!

bjordan wrote in post #9008871
Don't forget the 108pt blue comic sans font.

Hmm, lets try that....

for the fortunate among us....


Grandparents


1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes
of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she
applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma,
you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put
lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper
good-bye...


2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the
children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood
was like: "We used to skate outside
on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front
yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little
girl was wide-eyed,
taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you
sooner!"


5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how
you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are
we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.


6 A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he
asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."


7 I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided
to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She
would tell me and
was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed
for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of
these, yourself!"


8 When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from
attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing
them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa, now the mosquitoes
are coming after us with flashlights."


9 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."


10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother,
more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting,"
she said,"how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You
just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."


11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant
means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means
carrying a child."


12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day
when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another.
"He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."


13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she
lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when
we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I
don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and
they blame their dog.

.....old

Is that better?

Guineh wrote in post #9023547
Is that better?

Well its pretty damn close. Still missing random capitalization, font size and color changes, and mostly random clip art. Various cartoon animals laughing would be spot on.

Guineh wrote in post #9023547
Hmm, lets try that....

for the fortunate among us....

Is that better?

Gaaaah...

You should be beaten!

Guineh wrote in post #9023547
Hmm, lets try that....
for the fortunate among us....
Is that better?

FlyingPhotog wrote in post #9024926
Gaaaah...

You should be beaten!

Vigorously!!!

And not only that, Pekka should send you a bill for unnecessarily wasted server space!

(But then, he'd be billing most of us, wouldn't he?)

20droger wrote in post #9024972
And not only that, Pekka should send you a bill for unnecessarily wasted server space!

(But then, he'd be billing most of us, wouldn't he?)

Speak for yourself John Smith...

(Guilty As Charged)

FlyingPhotog wrote in post #9025018
Speak for yourself John Smith...

(Guilty As Charged)

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

Guineh wrote in post #9023547
Hmm, lets try that....

[SIZE=5][COLOR=RoyalBl​ue][B][FONT=Comic Sans MS]for the fortunate among us....

Posted last week, in a MUCH less annoying font!

neilwood32 wrote in post #9023819
(Written to a woman who accidentally walked into a men's restroom...)

Brilliant! People around me at work must be wondering why i'm sitting here cracking up!

Guineh wrote in post #9023547
for the fortunate among us....

y'know, "that" canon joke would look good with this treatment!

what do you call it when an internet troll gets really angry?


goad rage

lanno wrote in post #9027762
what do you call it when an internet troll gets really angry?

Funny?

Citizensmith wrote in post #9024358
Well its pretty damn close. Still missing random capitalization, font size and color changes, and mostly random clip art. Various cartoon animals laughing would be spot on.

and don't forget to pass it on to "everyone that needs a laugh" or at least 10 people.