Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

1000arms wrote in post #9073075
http://www.canon.com/a​bout/mark/origin.html

cool!

thankyou for baring on arms

pennypue wrote in post #9072814
It's all so draining. Pull the plug.

awww...don't be harshing our buzzard

*groan*

Cant get rid of such a live source of humour

neilwood32 wrote in post #9075104
Cant get rid of such a live source of humour

Is that what you call it?

awww...hug?

What is god's first name?


Peter.

Sirrussly...you mean you've never heard someone say "Thanks Peter God"?

Guineh wrote in post #9075161
Is that what you call it?

I think we need to give you a little spark to get you going

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair at all, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her full hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

Poor Richard's Almanac: Early to bed and early to rise make a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Poor Roger's Almanac: Go to bed late and get up early makes a man cross, mean, and surly.

Housewife One: "I'm so mad. My husband never notices what I cook or what I wear!"

Housewife Two: "You're lucky! My husband always notices what I cook and what I wear!"

When flying home from New York, why is it that the airline delivers you to Walla Walla and your luggage to Honolulu, but never the other way around?

A couple are preparing for a dinner party. they're planning a pretty fancy spread including escargot which they bought from their local SnailsRus emporium earlier that day. Unfortunately, about an hour or so before the guests are to arrive the wife discovers that the snails are off - the dish is completely ruined unless more raw material can be found at short notice. She rings SnailsRus but they're closed for the evening. She has a brilliant idea and calls the husband in, hands him a bucket and tells him to head down to the local park to pick up some snails from the acres of lush garden beds.

Off he trots to the park and spends a quarter of an hour or so filling the bucket with big juicy specimens. Just as he's about to head home to save the dinner party he spies an old flame who's been jogging in the park. as she jogs past him she recognises her former beau and stops for a chat - as is often the case in stories like this one thing lead to another and they were soon ensconsed in a passionate embrace and much more besides. Time stood still as they rekindled their old, um, feelings. So much so that several hours elapsed before the husband remembered what he was doing in the park in the first place. So, rushing to dress himself and brush off the dirt and grass from rolling in the bushes, he grabbed his bucket of snails and raced back home. When he got home he found the house silent - the party having long since wrapped up and the guests retired. Tip-toe-ing through the front door he tripped over some ill-placed item and went sprawling into the hallway, the bucket and snails along with him and an awful din ensued. Naturally this was the cue for his enraged wife to get out of bed and have it out with him - hearing her moving in the bedroom upstairs he recovered and started to think very very quickly. The wife appeared at the top of the stairs to find
her husband crouched in front of a dozens of snails scattered about the hallway entrance shouting to them:

"COME ON BOYS, WE'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Some topical jokes...

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Tiger Woods needs a new driver, one for the Cadillac and the other to replace the one that his wife wrapped around his head.

I always said golf was a dangerous game...all this happened because Tiger picked up another birdie.

Tiger woods has been dropped by Gilette after admitting this incident was his closest shave ever....

"Tiger's got a great Caddie, but it's not enough to get him out of the rough on this one."

What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegiens.

Why did Tiger's wife use the 9-iron to bust his windows? She didn't like the driver!

What club did Elin use to 'rescue' her husband? A **** wedge.

Creative Puns for "Educated Minds"

· The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

· I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

· She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

· A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

· The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

· No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

· A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

· A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

· Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

· Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

· A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

· Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

· Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head’.

· I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. And, then it hit me.

· A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass’.

· A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet’.

· A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

· The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

· The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

· A backward poet writes inverse…

· In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

· When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

· Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!