Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

lanno wrote in post #9166034
good thing google isn't

thx for the lead!

Or you could search THIS THREAD! (By now, there is nothing new here!)

FlyingPhotog wrote in post #9165996
Also under the heading of "Not a Big Confidence Booster"...

Those who have been to Big Bear, California are familiar with this.

(This sign - though not this exact shot - was my first paid photo. Back in the late 70's, (or was it early 80's - those decade are kind of blurry) just after the sign went up, I was the first to send it to the Car and Driver Magazine "Backfires" feature, they printed it and paid me $50 bucks!)

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Radtech1 wrote in post #9167457
Or you could search THIS THREAD! (By now, there is nothing new here!)

oh dear, how embarrassment. before i started posting gags i read all the way through, just so I could avoid the oft-repeated reposting of a reposting.

I read the beef'ns in a farming newspaper last night and thought they'd be fitting - oh well, next time I'll have to remember WWDJD.

Radtech1 wrote in post #9167457
Or you could search THIS THREAD! (By now, there is nothing new here!)

I posted that joke before? ... Oh my word.

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

Answer:
A crazy b**** who WILL find you

Just got this from a friend in the midwest. Claimed it was "Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!"

(No editorial comment, but it does make an amusing yarn)

Roping A Deer------- ( Names have been removed to protect the Stupid! )

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run..

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

Radtech1 wrote in post #9170914
Just got this from a friend in the midwest. Claimed it was "Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!"

(No editorial comment, but it does make an amusing yarn)

Roping A Deer.........

Nice - I need some screenwipes again!

Haha, yeah deer look so cute and innocent but they're tough, wild animals. I'm sure you've seen the youtube video of a buck beating the stuffing out of a bowhunter.

That reminds me of another story I came across when I had an '84 Trans-Am (yeah, yeah, hahaha) and lurked at thirdgen.org

by RJR99SS at thirdgen.org "moments of stupendous automotive stupidity"

This story is affectionatly known as "The day rusty found out what immolation means"

Well i have this 1990 buick riviera as my daily driver that i still drive today, its held up quite well considering circumstance.

I do love the P.O.S but one thing that always drove me crazy was the electric trunk, its just a stupid idea to begin with. But the damn thing had a habit of breaking every year. I'd clean the grounds and mess around with it and such and it would work again, but it always just seemed to break down on me.

So i decided i'd just try to rip that electric crap out and make it into a regular trunk.I stood out in the driveway and actually did a nice job of it too, i had it set up all nice, used several very clever techniques i thought. So i had it all ready to test; i slammed the trunk down to see if it will catch....Blam! then the trunk just bounces back up.

I try it again, Blam! the trunk bounces up again. Well as others may be able to relate too the only way to see why it wasnt closing was to get into the trunk and see what the latch is doing. now it didnt close before so it sure as hell isnt going to close with me in it right?? wrong...

I get in there and pay close attention to the trunk latch, pull it ever so gently down....*click*. oh no...."you whore!!!" i shouted.

Here i was stuck in the trunk at 10 in the morning. Nobody would be home until at least 2 in the afternoon. Well its all cool i guess, i'm a laid back guy. Guess i'll just lay back and try to get a little sleep, its a buick trunk so its nice and padded and comfy.

So i got some sleep and soon enough i hear my brothers camaro pulling in the driveway. I hear his door slam as he gets out so i start shouting "randy!!! HEY!!! HELP!! DAMNNIT!!". I was screaming and shouting and kicking the walls of the trunk and making as much noise as i thought was humanly possible. Then i hear the front door open....and close. He's gone inside, didnt even hear me.

Oh lord....well mom is coming home around 5 so i guess i'll just wait for her then.

I hear moms poorly tuned van pull in and i start making all the damn noise in the world again....and she just walks inside and closes the door.

Well....my brother ryan should be home around 5 in the morning....i didnt really want to wait for that.

So i started my mcgiver phase. I took an inventory of the entire trunk, a gallon of trans fluid, a window scraper, a cigarette lighter, a cassette player, and as luck would have it i found a 3/4 craftsman wrench....except it was in the middle of winter so the wrench was frozen to the floor of trunk. I poured some trans fluid on it hoping maybe that would melt the ice....it just made the ice much more slippery.

Finally i got it loose by constantly kicking it. Then as i held it in my hand i realized.....the bolts to the trunk latch are 10 mm arent they? yep, sure enough they were. i searched every square inch of that damn trunk looking for anything to fit the wrench on...didnt find anything.

I then started to to to kick the trunk open, that didnt work. Tried to look for that supposed saftey latch that you can push to open the trunk if you ever got stuck in it...but guess what? That little switch was a part of the motor that powered the trunk, which i conviently removed.

So time passed....my sanity began to wane, and i hadnt eaten all day. It must of been around 5 am when my brother came home. Same story as always, i put even more energy into screaming and yelling like a maniac....but my older brother just went inside.

All three of them came out for work in the morning...completly oblivious to my desperate screaming and ranting.

At this point i began kicking and stabbing at the back seat with my wrench trying to break through into the car. That damn seat was insanely well built....didnt put a scratch in it.

So i was stuck in a car for at least 28 hours when my brother came home around two the next day and i hadnt eaten at all. So its safe to say i was clinically insane. My master plan to get someone to notice me?

As soon as randy pulled into the driveway, i set the insulation of the trunk on fire. I caught suprisingly fast, VERY suprisingly. WIthin about thirty seconds then entire front portion of the trunks interior was ablaze. The whole time i was screaming with all my strength and shaking the trunk.

My brother took his sweet time noticing...he actually went inside and didnt notice the commotion until about 5 minutes after the car was set on fire. by the time he noticed i was stuck in the middle of a roaring fire, i myself wasnt in danger of being set on fire, as i moved all the insulation away from me...but my oxygen supply was being rapidly eaten by the fire.

My brother finally noticed as he by chance just looked out the window. He said he literally thought a gate to hell had been opened in my car, it was shaking and smoking and flame licked the interior.

He said he became conviced some sort of demon was in the car as he went outside and heard the insane screeching coming from the trunk. Luckily the garden hose was just in reach of my car and was already on, so he just ran and opened the door and sprayed it down.

he finally heard my crying for him to let me out and he replied i swear to *** "oh no, i seen the twilight zone, i let you out of there you're going to take the world over or something."

I think this has gone on too long anyway, but basically i convinced him i wasnt a demon and he let me out. i had to go to the hospital for smoke inhalation and malnutrition. But i still drive the car today as it is, its the butt of alot of jokes....

neil_r wrote in post #9144587
Two parrots standing on a perch, one says, "Can you smell fish?"

Two Goldfish in a tank, one says, "Do you have any idea how to drive this thing?"

LOL love these.

There's something going on in Mexico this very moment............AND IT MUST BE STOPPED!!!

It's called Cat Juggling.

Tixeon wrote in post #9184805
There's something going on in Mexico this very moment............AND IT MUST BE STOPPED!!!

It's called Cat Juggling.

Where's PETA when you need them!

Besides being obscenely cruel, cat juggling is a dangerous sport. Always remember, a cat has six ends—five of which are pointy.

Tixeon wrote in post #9184805
There's something going on in Mexico this very moment............AND IT MUST BE STOPPED!!!

It's called Cat Juggling.

Old School Steve Martin! I like it...

Then there was the throw away line (I forget which album):

"So I'm sitting around the house doing things to my dog with a fork..."

An immortal being.
A secret polar base.
Covert surveillance of a vast number of innocent person worldwide.
Documents listing people's behaviors.
A large number of small pointed-eared minions.
A unique flying craft capable of unbelievable speeds.
An ability to enter locked homes by secret means.
An ability to roam vast distances through public spaces completely unobserved.

Is it Santa Claus or a government/alien conspiracy?

20droger wrote in post #9188010
An ability to roam vast distances through public spaces completely unobserved.

What do you mean? NORAD tracks Santa every year!

Guineh wrote in post #9188237
What do you mean? NORAD tracks Santa every year!

Yes, they do. But then, I might point out that NORAD is itself a mostly secret part of the government. Is it not possible that they are an integral part of the conspiracy?