Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bi*ches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Do you ever wonder what Mrs. Claus gives Santa for Christmas?

Well, he does come only once a year.

So, Santa is preparing his sleigh on Christmas Eve when a man in a suit and sunglasses walks up and says: "Mr Claus? I'm Fred Smith from the FAA and it's time for your flight exam."

Santa continues his preparations and is saddled up ready to go when Fred climbs into the sleigh as well with a shotgun in his hand.

Santa asks" "Mr Smith, I've had many flight exams over the years but none of them involved firearms before. Why the shotgun?"

Smith replies: "Well Santa, I probably shouldn't give you any advanced warning, but this year, I have to see how you handle losing one on take off..."

Seems a lot of chat is creasing in amongst the jokes, can we keep it a joke thread only please

You know you might have been a better spouse last year when your mate gets you a new camera for Christmas...

...a film camera.

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

Radtech1 wrote in post #9237730
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

Ok, the joke was funny but what really cracked me up was your signature line! That's great!

FlyingPhotog wrote in post #9220852
I have to see how you handle losing one on take off..."

decked the monitor with globs of coffee

top joke!

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

Where will large numbers of people be spending Christmas this year?

In airports in the northeast.

OdiN1701 wrote in post #9244650
Your problem was that it wasn't funny in the first place.

Then don't laugh and simply move on. I really don't care.

A priest had just arrived in town and was making his way on foot, from the bus station, to the local convent where some kind of ecclesiastical business was to take place.

During his perambulation he passed by a provocatively-clad lady who enquired of him:

"Hey mister, you wanna quicky? Only $20!"

The poor innocent priest had no idea what his inquisitor was reffering to, so he averted his eyes and walked on.

Very soon after he came upon another similarly attired entrepeneur, was also asked him:

"Hey mister, you wanna quicky? Only $20!"

Thoroughly confused, the priest kept his eyes straight and continued walking briskly to the convent.

After being asked a third time by yet another gal-of-the-scanty-cladding he eventually made it to the convent and was shown into the Mother Superiour's office. They chin-wagged for hours about all manner of pastoral matters. At the conclusion of the discussion, the priest thought he might try to clear up his earlier confusion about the questions he'd been ask during his walk.

"Mother Superiour, I'm curious... what is a 'quicky' ??"


"$20, same as down the road!"

boom-boom

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

LBaldwin wrote in post #9246964
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters

Highlight of my day...

i heard this in my childhood and still remember it to this day...

"ruldolf the red nose reindeer...
had a very shiny gun..
and if you ever saw it..
you would drop your pants and run..

all of the other reindeer..
used to always call him names..
they never let poor ruldolf..
join in any hunting games...

then one foggy christmas eve...
santa came to say...
ruldolf with your gun so bright...
wont you shoot my wife tonight...

then how the reindeers loved him...
and they shouted out with glee...
ruldolf the red nose reindeer..
you'd go down in historyy...
(as a murder!)"