Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

He was bringing a duck surely

Scam targeting older men.

BEWARE!!!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's or Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over a short period of time I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

My wallet was stolen on December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, and again this morning!

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Thanks,
Paul

PS - Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart, but I bought them out.

A preacher is buying a used lawn mower. He asks "How's it run, anything I need to know?"
Seller say, "Starting it is tricky, you gotta open the throttle, pull the starter cord and cuss at it."
Preacher says, "I've been a preacher for 20 years, I don't even know how to cuss."
Seller says, "Start pulling on that cord, it'll come to ya."

hslxsmd wrote in post #9247402
i heard this in my childhood and still remember it to this day...

"ruldolf the red nose reindeer...
had a very shiny gun..
and if you ever saw it..
you would drop your pants and run..

all of the other reindeer..
used to always call him names..
they never let poor ruldolf..
join in any hunting games...

then one foggy christmas eve...
santa came to say...
ruldolf with your gun so bright...
wont you shoot my wife tonight...

then how the reindeers loved him...
and they shouted out with glee...
ruldolf the red nose reindeer..
you'd go down in historyy...
(as a murder!)"

Truly Amazing. You're lucky there are no young kids on this forum!! VERY BAD!!

911 calls

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired
of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

A man was riding his Harley along a
California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and in a
booming voice the Lord said, "Because
you have tried to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a
bridge to Hawaii ' so I can ride over
anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is
materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking;
the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete
and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can
do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that
could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long
time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I
and all men could understand women; I
want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me
the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, why she snaps and
complains when I try to help, and how I
can make a woman truly happy..'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes
or four on that bridge?'

I decided I could take it no more - I decided to go out and buy a tin-foil hat. But it must be a conspiracy: they aren't being sold ANYWHERE!

1000arms wrote in post #9272374
Foiled again!

That was punny! Good one!

Do You Know How to Keep a MORON in Suspense???

Gordon

Seamaster007 wrote in post #9261525
Truly Amazing. You're lucky there are no young kids on this forum!! VERY BAD!!

You're kidding right? I remember singing that when I was in the first grade. As well as others that were even worse.

Had a guy come over to lay out a large brick patio in August. He did such a great job that I had him replace some tiles that had fallen off one of my garden fountains. When I asked him how much I should pay him for the materials and labor, he said "no charge"!

When I asked him why he worked for free he said that he was a freemason.

I don't know how true this is, but I heard that the Puritans came to this country so they could worship as they please, and make others do the same.

It's true.

Jon wrote in post #9292968
It's true.

yup.