Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Bodryn wrote in post #9291693
I don't know how true this is, but I heard that the Puritans came to this country so they could worship as they please, and make others do the same.

So that explains it.

I heard this one somewhere, I don't know where. (Apologies to lanno)

A young man joins a strict monastic order where a monk is allowed to speak only once every ten years. As a new initiate, he keeps his silence at first. But after ten years he feels the need to speak up and so he says"I like oatmeal!"

Ten more years go by and then another monk speaks up and says: "I don't like oatmeal!"

Ten more years go by and a third monk says "Shut up and let's eat!"

You know why divorces are expensive ?

Because they're really worth it.

TC_Fenua wrote in post #9319494
You know why divorces are expensive ?

Because they're really worth it.

Nice... Foxworthy or Engvall?

The other one I heard Foxworthy throw out that nearly made me wreck the car:

Why do Men die before Women?

Because they WANT to...

Bodryn wrote in post #9318849
I heard this one somewhere, I don't know where. (Apologies to lanno)

A young man joins a strict monastic order where a monk is allowed to speak only once every ten years. As a new initiate, he keeps his silence at first. But after ten years he feels the need to speak up and so he says"I like oatmeal!"

Ten more years go by and then another monk speaks up and says: "I don't like oatmeal!"

Ten more years go by and a third monk says "Shut up and let's eat!"

Ten more years go by and the second monk speaks up again "But, now it's set up like concrete!"

FlyingPhotog wrote in post #9319640
Nice... Foxworthy or Engvall?

That made me laugh more than the "joke"...

FlyingPhotog wrote in post #9319640
Nice... Foxworthy or Engvall?

The other one I heard Foxworthy throw out that nearly made me wreck the car:

Why do Men die before Women?

Because they WANT to...

I have no idea , a friend told me the joke and I liked it

What's the difference between bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

Why does a bride wear white?

Because all the kitchen appliances should match.

Not technically a joke, but it made me laugh.

US woman punched McDonald's drive-through window because restaurant had no Mcnuggets

pennypue wrote in post #9324395
What's the difference between bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up, however, is optional.

Damn Right!!!

The young minister was asked by a funeral director to conduct a graveside service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The emetery was way back in the country, and the minister got lost. Finally, he saw the backhoe in the field and the gravediggers standing by, but no hearse was in sight. He dashed over to the grave and saw the vault lid was already in place. He opened up his Bible and began to preach. He preached about God's mercy and the parable of the Prodigal Son and the hope of the Resurrection, and then he bowed his head in prayer. And one of the workers said, "I ain't never seen anythink like this before...and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Got this in my inbox:

Lee Sum Wan:Hello!Can I speak to Annie Wan?
Mr Sori: Yes,you could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan:No,I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori: You are talking to someone!Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan:I'm Sum Wam.And I need to talk to Annie Wam!It's urgent.
Mr Sori: I know your someone and you want to talk to anyone!But what's this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wam:Well,just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident.Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital.Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident,that isn't an urgent matter!You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!!!!
Lee Sum Wan: You are rude.Who are you?
Mr Sori: I'm Sori.
Lee Sum Wan:You should be sorry.Now give me your name!
Mr Sori: I'm Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan:I don't like your tone of voice Mr,and I don't care.Now give me your name?
Mr Sori: Look lady,I told you already I'm Sori!!I'm SORI!!I'm Sori!!You didn't even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan:I told you before I'm Sum Wan!!You better be careful. My father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori: Oh,I'm so scared(sarcastically). Look I don't care about your uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks he's top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan: No. Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.
Mr Sori: Like I said I don't care which one of your aunt loves everybody and I also know that not everybody works here!Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan: Wee Che Wan is my sister!
Mr Sori: I don't know which one is your sis! Why in God's name you think I do? Look I got work to do and if I'm feeling mischievious,I'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying.""Attention,soe​one called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident.But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital.But everyone is going to the hospital anyways.The father maybe a somebody but if you're their uncle,you're a nobody. Also which one is someone's sister?". "How bout that!"
Toot....Toot....Toot..​............

Okay let's get back to posting jokes.