Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

A chap walks into the Glasgow Public Library and asks "Do you have any books on suicide?"
"Go away! You'll nay be bringing it back!"

A longish one...

LITTLE BARRY

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making his dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:


"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry, of course, thought he did.


Barry's mother, being a good Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and
tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up he letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God, this is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.


LETTER 3:


Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner", his mother said.

Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of
the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut
the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.


LETTER 4:

I HAVE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed

YOU KNOW WHO

OK, another one...

Biology Lesson

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked
her class,"Which human body part increases to ten
times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and
said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a
question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the principal, who will
then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question
again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its
size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to
those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around
nervously, and said, "The body part that increases
10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned
to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I
have three things to say...

- One, you have a dirty mind

- Two, you didn't read your homework

- And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.......



Best regards,
Andy

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the barman "I'd like a beer....and a mop"

Shamelessly copied from another forum ...

Jamaican Math Test

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman s aid. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,

"Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"SO, WHEN I START?"

Hope you like.

Best regards,
Andreas

OK, another one...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only €1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "€90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking €950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of €900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape ...............

...........
...........
...........
...........

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

.

Best regards,
Andy

A strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his mate in the corner. Sitting in the corner is a strip of red tarmac. The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: "I'm not going near him" it says, "he's a cyclepath!"

There's an old lady and an old man, that are married, are sitting in a church. The lady whispers to the man and says "I just farted a silent one". The man says "I think you need new batteries for your hearing aid".

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

An Englishman taking holiday in Australia. He is at the front of the que at the port of entry. The questions go along "Reason for your visit? How long will you be staying, etc, etc"

When it gets to the question "Any felonious convictions?" the Brit replies, "Blimey, no! I didn't know it was still a requirement!"

There are 3 types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't.

ChickenGod wrote in post #3698874
There are 3 types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't.

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.

I have been having so much fun reading this thread... I feel like I gotta post something just so that it doesn't drift away. This is an old one, and since it's not graphic I'm hoping it's not too risque.

One night Superman is out flying around Metropolis. Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's apartment. To his surprise, he sees through her window that she's at home, writhing naked in her bed. Superman thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her and be gone before she knows it." So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out. Startled, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What the hell was that?" "I don't know," replies the Invisible Man, "but my ass is killing me."

My wife hates that joke.

Here is another one I got in an email that I thought was funny.

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most Honorable Sir,
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and She leave house. I follow.
He and She go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window.
He kiss She. She kiss He.
He strip She. She Strip He.
He play with She. She play with He.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.

No Fee,
Chen Lee.