Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

A gentleman had been a widower for many years when
he met and fell in love with a smart, upper class widow of similar age.......
After a few months courting they agreed it was time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner at a posh restaurant and had a long serious conversation regarding their future.........
They discussed housework, finances, living arrangemrnts, holidays and so on......
Finally he decided it was time to broach the question of the physical side of marriage.
"How do you feel about sex"? he asked rather shyly......"I would like it infrequently" she replied.
Our hero sat quietly for a while, adjusted his spectacles, leaned over and enquired " Is that one word or two"

Q. Whats the difference between a management consultant and a prostitute?

A. The prostitute knows what she is doing.

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."
- Jack Handey

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.' I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....

They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way 'Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock ,when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..' I said,'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked.

Long ago, persons who sacrificed their, spirit, their life, their identity, their wealth, their laughter were called Saints. now... they are called HUSBANDS!

Knock knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
To whom

/lame joke

neil_r wrote in post #10761075
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. [...]

This reminded me of another one:

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.......

a blonde, brunette and a redhead gets stuck on a deserted island...
while foraging for food, they find a lamp and as they were wiping the dust off the lamp a genie pops out...

genie supposed to wish one master 3 wish but in this case, he grants each, one wish...

all three of them starts to yell how they want to get off the island...

genie suggest they take turn, run towards the ocean and yell out a name of anything like a bird or a whale and you will be transformed to what you yell out and when you get home, you'll turn back to yourself...

red head runs towards the ocean and yells "WHALE"
and she turns to a giant whale and swims home...

brunette runs and yells "BIRD"
she becomes a bird and flies home...

blonde runs... runs... runs... and trips over a tree and yells... "OH Sh!t"

/thud...

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

lanno wrote in post #9076146
What is god's first name?


Peter.

Sirrussly...you mean you've never heard someone say "Thanks Peter God"?

Actually it is Howard......

Our Father which is in heaven Howard be thy name........

Bullitt05 wrote in post #10793701
Actually it is Howard......

Our Father which is in heaven Howard be thy name........

Actually, God is a Welshman...

"Our Father, who art in heaven, Aled be thy name..."

Bend The Light wrote in post #10793750
Actually, God is a Welshman...

"Our Father, who art in heaven, Aled be thy name..."

That was made up by a Welsh priest, the Reverend Evans, amen.

What did one snow man say to the other?

Do you smell carrots?

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.....

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed...

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years...How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again...


On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you.