Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Husband and wife had a spat.

Wife called up her mom and said, “He argued again with me again last night! That's it, I'm moving in with you”.

Mom said, “No, no no. He must pay for his mistake, I'm moving in with you.”

The mother superior of a convent was perfect in every way, deeply religious, pious and meek however she had one failing. God had blessed her with a wonderful figure and an perfect bust. She was incredibly proud of her figure and deeply regretted the fact that no man would ever get to see her naked

One day she was pondering this whilst relaxing in her bath, her musings were interrupted when there was a knock on the door and a young novice nun said. "I am really sorry to bother you mother superior but there is a blind man here to see you".

The mother superior thought about this for a minute and decided that God in his own peculiar way was giving here the opportunity she so wanted, without her actually committing a sin.

"Show him in" she called to the novice....

With that the bathroom door opened, in walked a man in overalls carrying a very long package. "Hello gorgeous" he said, "Where do you want these blinds?"

Classic! Rimshot!!

neilwood32 wrote in post #10821830
Classic! Rimshot!!

The old ones are the best ones

Finding a woman sobbing on the side the road, a passing soldier is told that she had locked her keys in her car.

The soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically, the door opens!

"That's so clever" the woman gasps.

"How did you do it?"

"Easy" replies the soldier;

"These are my khakis"

So my brother came over for dinner this week, and shared an amusing anecdote that happened to him at work two days ago. I figured you all would enjoy it. And yes, this is a true story.

For background, my brother is a ramper at a local regional airline, which means he handles bags and customer service on the tarmac. The airline uses a courtesy baggage cart for carry-on bags that won't quite fit in a small plane's overhead compartment. As you walk up to board the airplane, you put your bag on a little cart and the rampers roll it over to the rear of the plane and load the bags into the plane's cargo hold. They will unload them immediately when you land so your bag is right there on the cart waiting for you when you walk off the plane. It's super handy, but most people aren't familiar with the process. As a result, all the rampers have to explain this to passengers on a regular basis.

So my brother was working the ramp next to the bag cart when a husband/wife walk up and start to board the plane. They are an East Indian couple in full traditional garb, colorful clothes, dot on the forehead, the whole nine yards. The husband walks onto the plane first and the wife is following behind carrying their larger suitcase. My brother recognizes that there's no way that the bag is going to fit in the overhead bin, so he intercepts the woman and redirects her to the bag cart. Her husband, oblivious to this, continues on and boards the plane.

My brother starts to explain to the woman that she needs to put her bag on the cart, that they will load it up and she will get it back afterward. He soon realizes that she doesn't understand a word of English. All she can say is "My Husband!" and point to the plane, then say "Sacramento!" and point at the plane again. She repeats these two phrases again and again, becoming increasingly distraught. My brother explains more calmly and patiently, with many hand gestures, that the bag needs to go on the cart, that it will go on the plane and will get to Sacramento safely. She does not seem to want to follow his instructions, repeating "My Husband! Sacramento!" while gesturing wildly at the plane. My brother gives a nod and a gentle smile to show that he understands her concerns and that it will be okay, but that there is no choice in the matter and she needs to follow his instructions, patting his hand on the baggage cart.

The woman gives up on trying to speak English and goes into a flurry of exclamations in Hindi, throwing her arms up in the air and looking to the heavens as if for some sort of divine intervention. No help arrives, so finally a look of resignation comes over her face..... and.... she climbs up onto the baggage cart.

As if on cue, another passenger walks up, sets their bag on the cart then continues on and boards the plane.

The woman watches this happen, then the light bulb comes on.

DirePenguin wrote in post #10793436
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

This made my day.

No wonder men are happier....

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Bugs are just things to kill not run away from. Goes for snakes, mice, rats, and spiders too! You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. Burping and farting is just funny, especially in public.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. All the other holidays are just an excuse for us to barbeque, and/or drink beer.

No wonder men are happier.

Best regards,
Andy

Andy_T wrote in post #10864384
No wonder men are happier....

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Bugs are just things to kill not run away from. Goes for snakes, mice, rats, and spiders too! You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. Burping and farting is just funny, especially in public.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. All the other holidays are just an excuse for us to barbeque, and/or drink beer.

No wonder men are happier.

Best regards,
Andy

Everything here is so true!

The thing which I find the funnest about this is that with few exceptions women could have life just as simple, but seem to choose not to.

Wayne

WMS wrote in post #10865157
The thing which I find the funnest about this is that with few exceptions women could have life just as simple, but seem to choose not to.

Wayne

And I don't think man will ever completely understand woman. It's as if women were engineered as a perpetual paradox for men.

krepta wrote in post #10865196
And I don't think man will ever completely understand woman. It's as if women were engineered as a perpetual paradox for men.

Women are exceedingly easy to please all it takes is an unlimited supply of money, and the ability to be invisible.

Wayne

WMS wrote in post #10865322
Women are exceedingly easy to please all it takes is an unlimited supply of money, and the ability to be invisible.

Wayne

Aah, so that's the secret! Where is The Invisible Man?

(But he is only one man. There is no hope for the rest of us.)

krepta wrote in post #10865196
And I don't think man will ever completely understand woman. It's as if women were engineered as a perpetual paradox for men.

Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt did a movie called "What Women Want" that takes a pretty funny look at this issue. It is billed as a "romantic comedy," i.e., chick flick. It does get a bit rude, but it is funny.

hairy_moth wrote in post #10865469
Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt did a movie called "What Women Want" that takes a pretty funny look at this issue. It is billed as a "romantic comedy," i.e., chick flick. It does get a bit rude, but it is funny.

I have seen it. That was quite some years ago. I thought the idea was clever but the movie was meeh. Of course my mom and sister loved it and laughed hysterically while watching it. Now, if they could do a movie with the opposite situation, "What Men Want"!