Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Simplistic wrote in post #14914996
^^ I laughed pretty loud just now.

Careful or you will be in BIG trouble.

I'm not too worried. I married a "low maintenance" girl. My uncle told me to when I was 10 years old.

It means a girl who doesn't need fancy and expensive stuff.

So I get to spend my money on photography. :P

This one is a photography related


I think my wife is cheating on me


So lately my wife has been working a lot of late shifts and the past couple of months she's been carpooling with a male co-worker. At first I didn't mind as it saves gas and in case she has car trouble or something like that, but it seems like they've become a little bit more than friends. You know....the phone calls that hang up, she starts wearing nice clothes to work and talking about him all the time...then abruptly stops leaving an uncomfortable silence.

If I'm out in the garage when she gets home (usually after midnight) he just drops her off and leaves, but if the lights are off in the garage and I'm in the house (they think I'm sleeping) they sit out in the car for about 20 minutes.

I asked her once what they were doing and she said, "Just talking". Whatever!

So, last night I decided to see what's really going on out there. So, I leave the garage door open and turn all the lights off. I go out in the garage and wait. In a few minutes his car pulls into my driveway and as I'm hiding behind some of my camera stuff the headlights shine through my garage and I see something that I just can't believe.

Rats have been chewing the cord of my strobe lights!! Not real bad, but enough. How long should I let it go before I replace it?

A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store
and told the owner that he
wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a
little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a
good spot for the box, and decided
he would start off by taking his new
pet to the bar with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to the bar with
me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited
a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going to the bar with me
and have a beer?"

But again,
there was no answer from his new
friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede
one last time.

This time he put his face up against
the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go
to the bar for a beer?"
.....

This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I'm putting my F@@k'n shoes on!"

It was laundry day and a husband and wife were sorting clothes.
The man turns to his wife and says that perhaps they should wash her pants in SlimFast and maybe she would lose a few inches off her behind.
His wife was not amused by the comment but says nothing.
The next morning, the man grabs a pair of underwear from his drawer, gives them a shake only to find himself in a cloud of powder.
He turns to his wife and asks why she put talcum powder in his underwear.
She replies, it's not talcum powder.....it's Miracle Gro.

my wife hates when i channel surf...

she asked me "why do you have to constantly change channels all the time?!?!"

i replied:
"honey, i'm trying to watch 36 channels and i really need to concentrate..."

i think she gave up.

Apparently, Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon...

...then follow them up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

philwillmedia wrote in post #14937239
Apparently, Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon...

...then follow them up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

HA!! Very COOL!!

I guess Lance Armstrong could tell similar unfunny jokes about being minutes ahead of the competition and finish with the same line....

Just think, he'll be sooo much faster now without all those medals weighing him down!

Still #1 in my book, just sayin...

Oh yeah, hey Pete, maybe that guy that carpools with your wife is good at electronics repair...might save you a fortune!

Ah, life!

I was born with nothing, and so far I've managed to keep most of it.

Olympic Bloomers - (they Said It!!)..
Sports commentators show their intelligence...

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.. .......Oh my God, what have I just said?"

troutfisher wrote in post #14946652
Olympic Bloomers - (they Said It!!)..
Sports commentators show their intelligence...

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.. .......Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Absolutely hilarious stuff!

troutfisher wrote in post #14946652
Olympic Bloomers - (they Said It!!)..

You mean bloopers, I hope.

tim wrote in post #14947332
You mean bloopers, I hope.

His bloomers were a blooper.