Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

I was in the shop today, and there was a little boy crying because he wanted some chocolate buttons.

"I haven't got enough money," his mother said to him.

"I've got some spare change on me, I'll buy them," I said to her.

"Are you sure about that?," she said.

"Of course," I replied, "I haven't had chocolate buttons in ages, so it'll be a nice treat for me."

philwillmedia wrote in post #14992679
I was in the shop today, and there was a little boy crying because he wanted some chocolate buttons.

"I haven't got enough money," his mother said to him.

"I've got some spare change on me, I'll buy them," I said to her.

"Are you sure about that?," she said.

"Of course," I replied, "I haven't had chocolate buttons in ages, so it'll be a nice treat for me."

Are you on a particular joke group on Facebook?

How much does a hipster weigh?


a. A instagram

wannabegood wrote in post #14939817
I guess Lance Armstrong could tell similar unfunny jokes about being minutes ahead of the competition and finish with the same line....

Just think, he'll be sooo much faster now without all those medals weighing him down!

Still #1 in my book, just sayin...

Things always seem funnier when you are on meds.

So Prince Charles & Camilla are touring NZ, and during the tour, they have a royal visit with the Maori King at Turangawaewae. Charles and the King have been through the formal part of the proceedings and are chatting in a quiet moment.

The King is curious about the hat that Charles is wearing; its like a Davy Crockett coonskin cap, with the tail hanging down and all, but its made from fox fur. So he says to Charles, "Hey, Charlie, cuz, what's with the funny-looking hat, bro?"

Prince Charles replies, "Well, you see, I was on the telephone this morning to Mummy, and I said to her, "Mummy, today I'm going to Ingarooare-waaheah to see the Maori King", and she said to me, "Oh, Ingarooare-waaheah, wear the fox hat.""

(if you don't get it, say it out loud)

My spouse and I are both writers. During dinner conversations, we often tell our children about our working days. It wasn't clear how much they absorbed until one day I overheard my seven-year- old, Lucy, cry out in frustration at her five-year-old sister, Charlotte, "You, you... you editor!"

tim wrote in post #15017460
(if you don't get it, say it out loud)

fur fox sake...

mail mans last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "**** him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea.

^^^Nice one Hoochy!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it
needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under
the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the
garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check
left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so
that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep
it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been
searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the
flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't
remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together..
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.
'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '$1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says,
'Don't start that **** with me again. You're in my closet now.'

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie: "Pick a night."

I'm starting to work a 4 day week.

I've gone from TGIF to Sure Happy Its Thursday.

Jazz, that golfer joke puts a twist on handicap doesn't it? LOL