Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

snyderman wrote in post #15061053
Thoughts of Grandpa.
"When I go, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa ... unlike the other three in his car!"

Yep. An oldie but goodie:
Will Shriner - " I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

icopus wrote in post #15061480
Yep. An oldie but goodie:
Will Shriner - " I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

My granpa was a bus driver

Some people are like slinkies

Some people are like slinkies
.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit.

She landed on a 'science' square and was asked this question:
'If you are in a vacuum with someone and they talk to you, will you be able to hear them?'

She thinks for a very long time and then asks.......is the vacuum on or off?

x_tan wrote in post #15068989
Some people are like slinkies
.

Too true

"Mother Of The Year"

"Mother Of The Year"
.

Always There

Always There

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

A magical chastity belt
One day, as King Arthur mulled over the maps in his war room, he realized his current crusade would take him far out of the way of Camelot for quite a good many months. Fearing for Guinevere's safety by herself in a castle full of men for that amount of time, he requested of Merlin that some form of device be forged for her protection.

Finishing the task quickly, Merlin presented to his highness a magical chastity belt with a small hole in the underside to allow the Queen to relieve herself, and a very tiny guillotine which slid cleanly across the opening. With his worries put to rest, Arthur made haste to his crusades, leaving a small number of the Knights behind.

Upon his return, he called them all into a room and addressed them: "My lads," he said "I have nothing to ask of you, except that you drop your pants." Every single one of them did as they were told, with a look of pained shame on their faces, revealing that each one of them was missing a part of his manhood. All except for Lancelot.

The king embraced him immediately saying "Lance, Lance my dearest friend, I cannot respect you enough for your chastity. What have you to say for yourself?" Lancelot gave him a shocked expression, but proceeded slowly to say: "Mmf, mah ruuuh woaaah mhffhm oahhham arh!"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

Yeah, I suck at telling jokes.

Harrier Fleet Farewell Formation

The British government has scrapped the famous Harrier jet fleet, and on their farewell formation flypast over the houses of Parliament the RAF gave the government something to remember.
.

Joe and Carl are playing golf and getting set to tee-off at the final 450 yard hole.
As Joe stands over his ball preparing for his shot, he waggles a few times, steps away, returns and waggles a few more times.
Carl is getting impatient and asks Joe why he is taking so long to tee-off.
Joe says that his wife is on the clubhouse deck watching and he's a bit nervous as he wants to make a perfect shot.
Carl replies....'Relax, it's over 450 yards, you'll never hit her from here'.

Hammy74 wrote in post #15104065
Joe and Carl are playing golf and getting set to tee-off at the final 450 yard hole.
As Joe stands over his ball preparing for his shot, he waggles a few times, steps away, returns and waggles a few more times.
Carl is getting impatient and asks Joe why he is taking so long to tee-off.
Joe says that his wife is on the clubhouse deck watching and he's a bit nervous as he wants to make a perfect shot.
Carl replies....'Relax, it's over 450 yards, you'll never hit her from here'.

Love it!

Joe can try, can't he? Might be worth waiting for the wind to pick up just a little...jus sayin!

Women's rights

The Recession has hit everybody.....

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali
pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh
Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the
people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.