Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

^^^Great list Les...laughed all the way through it.

Here's another item for you....

Things are so bad here that friends of mine can't even afford names for their children!

LBaldwin wrote in post #15110800
The Recession has hit everybody.....

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali
pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh
Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the
people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

That last one really got me.

nice ones, Les!

Receipts

Receipts
.

Loved Hedberg. RIP

RIP Mitch Hedberg.

Another Hedberg -

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."

Woman walks past a building site and one builder says to another "I'd give her one" She hears him and shouts at him 'men like you disgust me, what makes you think I'd ever have sex with you..? The builder replies 'sex? What ya f'ckin on about love? I was marking you outta 10....!

Props

Most definitely not my "favourite joke", but the most recent (old) joke I have read:

We shoot every 3rd salesman....
The 2nd one just left.

A cute blonde girl who is deaf has just started working in my office.
I'm going to ask her out for a quiet drink.

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed a supply of blood in case a transfusion was needed.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & a large amount of money.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him:
"I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied:

"Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".

^

A man is sitting by himself at a bar just staring at his drink.
A tough biker comes in, knocks him off his stool, grabs his drink and swallows it in one big gulp.
Wiping his mouth, the biker glares at the man and asks him what he is going to do about it.

The man replies:
'Nothing, I just can't do anything right and everything goes wrong for me...
I just got fired from my job...
I came home to find my wife in bed with another man...
As I left the house, my dog bit me...
I was so depressed, I came here and finally got up the courage to end it all and I can't even get that right....
I was waiting for all of the poison to dissolve and you took my drink.'

brilliant!