Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

When I opened the washing machine I found a single sock and thought...
Gee, that's odd.

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey . The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them . Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them . He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls . To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole .
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table . . . whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball . "
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left .

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him . He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar . The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar . He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it .

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it . The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man .
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy .
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first .

Smart monkey!

RedSloth wrote in post #15252625
Smart monkey!

And I hear he move to Japan....

A guy goes to the movies and in the end of the movie is surprised when he sees a dog clapping.
He goes to the owner and asks him:
- Don't you find this surprising?
The owner of the dog says:
- Yes, I do! He read the book and didn't like it....

Sooo without Twinkies, what's the point in legalizing pot?

CameraMan wrote in post #15255593
Sooo without Twinkies, what's the point in legalizing pot?

it's all part of the conspiracy.

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep or too much pressure from my job, but now I've found out the real reason that I am always tired. I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

14,800,000 people work for State and City Governments. That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Given that there are 1,211,998 people in prisons, that leaves just two people to do the work, you and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!

D. Vance wrote in post #15256735
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep or too much pressure from my job, but now I've found out the real reason that I am always tired. I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

14,800,000 people work for State and City Governments. That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Given that there are 1,211,998 people in prisons, that leaves just two people to do the work, you and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!

Then going by your math, which left out the 2.3 million people not working collecting welware and disabile. It's a good thing we have almost 2.8 illegals in the country to do the work.

(Garda = Irish Police)

A Cavan driver is pulled over by a Garda on the N3 from Dublin on his way home. The Garda approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Garda ?"

The Garda says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The Cavan man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The Garda is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The Garda says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The Garda says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the Garda is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Garda looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five Garda cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior Garda from the serious crimes squad slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior Garda says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Garda ?"

"One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The Garda responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The Garda says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The Garda, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my Garda claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the Garda. The Garda opens the wallet and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my Gardas told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

^ HAH!

With 6 law enforcement officers now involved, the dude is going down for SOMETHING!

Probably been posted here before, but a fave!

Safeway = Convenience store (for those who never heard of it)


How do you get an elephant into a Safeway??
.
.
.
.
.
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(hint, take the 'S' out of 'Safe' and the 'F' out of 'Way')

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an ar** ho*e. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.
So Mary called him a W**ker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.

^^That is one of the funniest yet!

I can't wait to try it!