Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.

An photographer asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your fine art prints."

"That's wonderful," the photographer exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

My New Year's resolution is to make no smart-ass remarks in 2013.

I figure that should last for about eight hours.

When I was really young my Dad told me a joke and I didn't get it; he had to explain:

If your nose is running, and your feet smell, maybe you're upside down.

20droger wrote in post #15429709
My New Year's resolution is to make no smart-ass remarks in 2013.

I figure that should last for about eight hours.

So how did that work out, Rog? :p

Thank You Mario! But The Daddy Is In Another Castle …
.

Ricardo222 wrote in post #15430210
So how did that work out, Rog? :p

Quite well, until he woke up this morning . . . :{)#

I'm just wondering about all those who partied so heartily last night.

What a joy it must be to start off the new year feeling like your head got hit by a Mack truck and your stomach is a cement mixer churning with elephant dung.

To me, this is just another day.

Happy New Year.

LOL, I hear ya Roger! Was home by 8:30 and it was also my 10th anniversary!

Not just another day though, now it's difficult to write a check. all those new numbers, dang hard to remember!

And thanks for getting to that before I did Jon!

Happy New Year Everybody!

Back to non-New-Years jokes....

Never confuse the Vaseline with the Vick's Vapo-Rub in the dark.

20droger wrote in post #15431210
Back to non-New-Years jokes....

Never confuse the Vaseline with the Vick's Vapo-Rub in the dark.

That was one of the funniest elements of the book "Trainspotting" why it never made it into the film i do not know.

Though it has probably been posted here before, I'm not searching 371 pages. It's an oldie but goody but maybe some haven't seen it and those that have maybe will enjoy it again.

Donald Smirthwaite, adjustor
Standish Insurance Company, Inc.
473 Ogallala Ave
Sioux City, IA 51101

Re: Claim no. 54784
(More detailed explanation)

Dear Mr. Smirthwaite:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put, quote ... poor planning ... unquote, as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and so I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry all of the bricks down six flights of stairs a few at a time, I decided to lower them in an empty barrel someone had left behind, using a pulley which was conveniently attached to a projecting beam on the side of the building at the sixth floor.

First, I procured a stout rope twice as long as the height of the building at the sixth floor and threaded it through the pulley. Then I rigged a sling for the barrel, attached it to the rope, and went down and secured the rope at ground level to a small tree, with a slip knot. I then went back to the roof, swung the barrel out and carefully loaded the bricks into it. They all went in nicely. Then, quite pleased, I went back to the ground and pulled the slip knot loose, holding the rope tightly to ensure the slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks.

The next sequence of events occurred in much less time than it takes to relate them.

You will note, in block number eleven of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 145 pounds. Thus I was unsuccessful in slowly lowering the barrel of bricks. As soon as the rope was untied, I was propelled upward at an astonishing velocity. Dazed at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I momentarily lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I collided with the descending barrel, which explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only briefly, I continued my rapid ascent, stopping only when the fingers of my right hand entered the pulley, explaining the contusions and abrasions of the fingers. Fortunately, by this time I regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope despite the pain of my injuries, which you can imagine.

At precisely that moment, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground. Did I mention that it was an old wooden barrel? Anyway, the bottom burst, spilling all the bricks. Devoid of the bricks, of course the barrel became considerably lighter. I refer you again to my weight in block eleven, 145 pounds. As you may imagine, I began a very rapid descent down the side of the building.

Again, in the vicinity of the third floor, I met the now empty barrel coming up. This accounts for the multiple contusions and the lacerations to my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed my fall barely enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks, resulting, fortunately, in only three cracked vertebrae and badly sprained ankles.

I am sorry to report, however, that, as I lay there on the bricks, in agony, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I'm afraid I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. Which explains the internal injuries, broken ribs and upper body lacerations.

I hope this explanation will suffice for your office. Have a nice day!

Yours sincerely,

Bjorn Luzer

Yeah, that would suck...

Icopus, I first heard that from the BBC many years ago, and you got it pretty much word for word correct. It might be an oldie, but its also a beauty...so thank you for reminding us and sharing.

A husband and wife are walking through a park and
notice a couple making out passionately on a bench.

The wife asks her husband why he doesn't do that.

The husband replies..'I would, but I don't even know her'.