Whats Your Favorite Joke? (Please don't report bad jokes)

Tony Romo, Michael Vick and Eli Manning walk into a bar......

to watch the playoffs.

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this ****ing badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR ****ING BADGE!"

^^^ I liked this one!

Ricardo222 wrote in post #15431878
Icopus, I first heard that from the BBC many years ago, and you got it pretty much word for word correct. It might be an oldie, but its also a beauty...so thank you for reminding us and sharing.

I tend to like the old ones best... as long as they're not from grade school.

EDIT: Oops... almost a faux pas there. The jokes on this page have been most excellent.

How to Insult Foreign People

http://www.2spare.com/​item_51487.aspx

Reasons to Play Golf

http://www.keithwhite.​us/playgolf.html

Girl...
.

Fun Kid:

http://i1.wp.com/i.img​ur.com/S8Dwo.gif

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says,'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!' *
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, a second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says,'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

x_tan wrote in post #15442118
Girl...
.

Just picking her nose, mate!

icopus wrote in post #15443019
Just picking her nose, mate!

Isn't that what one does when shopping for rhinoplasty?

20droger wrote in post #15443233
Isn't that what one does when shopping for rhinoplasty?

Would one want a nose like x_tan's? (see x_tan avatar)

Neil, I used to tell that one a lot. I forgot all about it. It's been a while since I've told that one.

A man takes his dog to the vet:

Man: "Doc, King's tongue has turned blue!"

Vet: "Your toilet cleaner is too strong."